The Walrus and the Warwolf

in his day, aye, and taught me much. Mad as he is, no doubt he told the Court the truth as he sees it. Let's look at this truth.

'Muck claims I was cook's boy on a pirate ship. Well, that's true enough, I won't deny it. As I've told the Court already, I'm a gentle chap, with precious little fight in my bones. So I was low in the rank when I were with the pirates, for I never had the heart to match cutlass with cutlass, or do foul things to fair women captured.

'As Gouda Muck has told the Court, my time on the pirate ships saw me diligent in prayer, raising my voice to the god I was taught to worship when I were but a lad, scraping around for whatever sacrifices lay within my means.

'The Court sees me, then, for what I am – shy, pious, eager for religion. And never raising a hand against the man who kicked and beat me all those years.

'Now, on to Runcorn. What has Muck to tell of Runcorn? Why, that he got there one evening and left the next night, or thereabouts. And did he see me much in all that time? Why, from his own testimony, no.

'For he spent the first evening resting at the inn. Next morning he spent deep in conversation with some Aard Lox. Who's he? I never heard of him before today, I'll tell you that for real.

'Anyway. This Aard Lox sells Muck a certain document you've all heard tell of. The Book of Witness. Aye. Well, paper's one thing, truth's another. There's people in Selzirk making a right good living selling maps to cities of buried treasure. Aye. The maps sell well – that's why they're treasure maps.'Laughter from the audience. The judge frowned.

T didn't mean for them to laugh!' protested Drake. 'But it's true! There's fools who will believe anything. As for Muck – what wouldn't the man believe, him with his Flame and all? What I'm saying is, let's not believe everything that's down on paper. If all such is believable, then there's an ocean of treasure out there!'No laughter this time.Drake continued:

'Anyway, with paper purchased, Muck goes to a square to find there's a riot. Did I start it? No. Muck himself says

I was doing my best to stop it. And how? By talking the people from looting to the honest business of slaving, which, as the Court knows well, is highly respected in Selzirk as elsewhere.

'You've had all kind of sorry troubles come from out of the north, but, as Muck has told it well, I was never mixed with any mad plans for invading Selzirk.

'Now how long did Muck see me for? Scarce long enough to hear me shout that I was Arabin lol Arabin. After that, he had troubles of his own.

'Out of this little, Muck makes much. A handful of words. Some paper bought from a stranger. From that, he makes me ruler of Runcorn. A strange turn of events!

'As the Court has heard, for years I was meek, mild, yielding without anger to all kinds of punishment, praying most diligent to my god, doing a humble job as cook in a sea ship's kitchen. But next moment I'm suddenly conjured into this conqueror of Runcorn, a terrible swordsman who kills people in open duel, and all the rest of the wild things you've heard.

'Now the truth is easy enough explained. I parted from the pirates right enough, for reasons you'll know yourselves by now. That wasn't my style. They'd probably have murdered an innocent boy like me if I'd kept with them that much longer. So I took to shore, and to honest work.

'My apprenticeship I never finished. Aye. That's much to be regretted. But I could cook. So in Runcorn I got a job as cook of sorts, aye, for this Arabin lol Arabin. Now he was a mighty magnificent man, and right bloody dangerous into the bargain. But what means his name, Arabin lol Arabin? Why, in Galish it's plain enough: it means he was the son of some fellow Arabin.

'But, me, I'm the son of Teff Douay, the nephew of Oleg Douay, the grandson of Vytor Douay, and so on back through fifty generations, all of them Douay. So I could never have any Arabin as my father, that's for real.'Anyhow.

'There I was in Runcorn, scratching an honest living as cook for this Arabin lol Arabin, when he came upon troubles which I don't rightly pretend to understand; seeing as I'm not political at all, I don't hold with messing with the business of me betters. And in the riot he was killed.'So.

'Something had to be done, or these anarchist types who were rioting would have torn the town apart. Now, I'm not a man of action, but I felt it my duty to try. So up I got on my two hind legs, and tried to turn them from reckless riots to honest slaving, which, as all the world knows, is an admirable kind of enterprise to be engaged in.

'But they wouldn't answer to my leadership. So I thought myself to impress them with the fact that the old leader was dead – partly because it was his death they were raging for, so if they knew him finished the trouble would die down. So I went to shout out that 'I am here with the news that Arabin lol Arabin is dead.'

'But that's a proper mouthful, and I'm no speaker. So in the heat of the moment, my tongue tripped upside down, and nothing cameoutbut 'lam Arabin lol Arabin'. Well, and the worthy Gouda Muck heard that right enough, and a lot of misunderstanding there's been of it since.

'Let's talk about these treasure maps Muck bought, some papers called The Book of Witness, all about this Arabin fellow. There was one bit I didn't hear right the first time, so I got it read out a second, aye, and Gouda Muck swore it was told right to the Court.'You all heard it.

'There was hot words said in the City Hall in Runcorn. A regular uproar, after which none knew just what had been said. But there was some Record, which must mean a Record in writing. And you've heard that this Arabin fellow called attention to what the Record said, which was 'No'.'Was that me?'How could it have been?'For I be but an ignorant apprentice, who knows not the letter Ac0wae from any other. I couldn't read in any Record to save my life.

'Now, after I left Runcorn, I came to this fair city of Selzirk, most beautiful city I've ever set eyes on. And, bye and bye, I heard how Muck was in town. Aye, with a woman Zanya with him.

'Now this fancy document which Muck picked up in Runcorn, it tells how Arabin lol Arabin had a woman named Zanya. Now so he did. But I had a woman, too, and her name was also Zanya. And the Court won't deny that two women can share the same name. Now I'm a mild fellow, as the Court's heard, but there's one time when I did fight true.'

And Drake looked at Zanya. And she gazed back at him. And he knew she was sitting in judgment on him. She would be called to the witness stand next. And she would make his life or break it. Yes.

'Zanya,' he said, making love to her name as he spoke it. 'I saw her first when I was floating in the sea, a horizon away from Stokos. I was the sole survivor of a shipwreck. I fell in love with her then at first sight. But cruel circumstances later parted us. I was never able to court her as I wished to.

'Where did we meet again? Why, on Burntos – an island to which I went on a ship then engaged in honest trade. Briefly we met, but, after a few days, parted.

'We next met in an arena in the city of Dalar ken Halvar. I was tumbled there by a kind of magic. And if the Court doubts that, they can ask the fair and most beautiful lady Zanya for the proof of it, for there she sits by that old fellow there who's wearing the straw hat.'

'Take that hat off!' shouted Judge Syrphus, who had not until then noticed that anyone was wearing a hat in his court.

'Why,' said Drake, as the hat came off. 'Now we can see her plainer. Aye, and a beautiful sight she makes. We were reunited, as I've told, when I'd been tumbled by magic to an arena built for killing.

'There she stood, tied to a slaughter post. Aye, and there were monsters afoot in the arena, huge things brutal with teeth and claws.

T was rightly minded to run, for my legs were wet with terror. Aye, and the magic which had tumbled me to the arena gave me a Door I could have fled through, tricing away in an instant. But no. She were of such beauty that I could not leave her for the slaughter.

'So I drew the steel I carried, as every pirate must be he cook's boy or captain. And I went chest to chest with the monster, aye, and slaughtered it. My one act as a hero. And it was for her that I killed.

'Thus she was with me when I came to Runcorn to go to work as a cook. And a hard life we had there, aye, always so much to be done, we'd scarce time to kiss twice in a day. Which was a fault of circumstances, not of she or me.

'Since then, as you've heard, she's been guardian of the purity of Gouda Muck. We've not heard from Muck exactly what that means, though I've got my own ideas about it: And if I've any quarrel with Gouda Muck, then it's