Screw her and her eighty-five-million book sales right in the ear.
32
Knock it off!
33
Ten points if you caught the Bowie reference.
34
You know what? I’m too embarrassed to even finish that sentence.
35
Read: boring.
36
And they don’t ask any pesky questions about my research methods.
37
Or Colorado.
38
What, they didn’t?
39
Mrs. Patel’s words, not mine.
40
Okay, technically, we
41
Can’t actually frown.
42
Picture the Playboy Mansion, only with more ivy and less booty.
43
Give or take a few kajillion hundred.
44
Furniture and men.
45
Kind of like RuPaul is a tad dramatic.
46
Note to self: Subscribe to
47
Now with twenty percent more plastic grapes!
48
Also, I’m getting tired of throwing out all my good pans.
49
FYI, kids, flashing gang signs is a lot less scary when you’re wearing mittens. I suggest you either buy gloves or wait until it’s warmer to represent.
50
Apparently in her world, it’s not fourteen degrees outside.
51
Her words, not mine.
52
You know what I mean.
53
Figurative Shat — would that not be an excellent postpunk band name?
54
Which is impossible.
55
Kara’s a nationally syndicated sex and dating advice columnist and not just a conduit for dirty correspondence. When she was pitching her work, I begged her to call the column “The Kara Sutra,” but apparently that’s already a porn site. Damn.
56
Polish for “grandmother.”
57
Like I said, protein is a priority.
58
Earnest money is what you put down in a real estate transaction to secure a buying contract. Typically it’s about five percent of the purchase price, and the point is to show the seller the buyer has skin in the game. Once the house is under contract, the earnest money doesn’t get returned if the buyer flakes out for any reason other than a bad inspection. This public service message has been brought to you by HGTV.
59
Also,
60
The exact word he used was “moron.”
61
Theoretical, of course.
62
Apparently harvest gold and avocado appliances are not the new black.
63
Yes, I gave in and hired a maid service after this. When the universe drops heavy shit on you, you tend to listen.
64
According to Mac, you never know when you might need to disperse a riot in front of your house.
65
My dad now owns an auto body shop in Ohio. Was he inspired by Keith in
66
Literal translation is “my little froggy.” This term of endearment never quite caught on in English.
67
Without the mole. Maybe eighty-one with it.
68
A bean of some sort?
69
Yeah. I went there.
70
Apparently I enjoy “not packing” almost as much as I enjoy “not writing.”
71
The one on
72
What, you
73
Mac says you may as well be firing a staple gun if you’re going to use a.22-caliber weapon.
74
Pun intended.
75
It would be indelicate for me to mention that anyone with $9.99 and a broadband Internet connection could watch Vienna “perform jobs.”
