relate in a human way to one another, and that we check our roles, our degrees,
our money, and our BMW roadsters at the door.»
«Amen,” said Julius.
«Amen,” chimed in Tony, who added, «I`m with Gill, and, just for the
record, I bought that roadster used and it`s put me in hock for the next three
years.»
«And Bonnie,” Gill continued, «in your go–round what you did was focus
exactly on those external things—professions, money, successful kids. None of
those relate to why you are the least important person in this room. I consider you
very important. You`re a key member; you`re engaged with all of us; you`re
warm, giving; you even offered me a place to sleep a couple of weeks ago when I
didn`t want to go home. You keep the group focused; you work hard here.»
Bonnie held her ground. «I`m a drag; my whole life has been about shame
for my alcoholic parents, always lying about my family. Inviting you home, Gill,
was a big event for me—I could never invite kids home, full of fear that my father
would show up drunk. What`s more, my ex–husband was a drunk, my daughter`s
a heroine addict...”
«You`re still evading the point, Bonnie,” said Julius. «You talk of your
past, your daughter, your ex, your family...butyou, where areyou ?»
«Iam these things, a composite of all these things; what else can I be? I`m a
boring pudgy librarian, what I do is to catalog books...I...I don`t know what you
mean. I`m confused, I don`t know where or who I am.» Bonnie began to cry,
pulled out a tissue, blew her nose loudly, closed her eyes, raised both hands and
drew circles in the air, and, between the sobs, muttered, «This is enough for me;
it`s all I can take today.»
Julius shifted into another gear and addressed the entire group. «Let`s take a
look at what`s happened the past several minutes. Who`s got some feelings or
observations?» Having succeeded in moving the group into the here–and–now, he
advanced to the next step. In his view the work in therapy consisted of two
phases: first interaction, often emotional, and second, understanding that
interaction. That`s the way therapy should proceed—an alternating sequence of
evocation of emotions and then understanding. So he now attempted to switch the
group into the second phase by saying, «Let`s back up and take a dispassionate
look at what`s just transpired.»
Stuart was about to describe the sequence of events when Rebecca jumped
in: «I think the important thing was Bonnie giving her reasons for feeling
unimportant and then assuming we would all agree. That`s when she became
confused and cried and said she had had enough—I`ve seen her do that before.»
Tony said, «Yeah, I agree. Bonnie, you do get emotional when you get a lot
of attention. Are you embarrassed by the spotlight?»
Still sobbing, Bonnie said, «I should have been appreciative, but look what
a mess I made of it. And look at how much better others would`ve used this time.»
«The other day,” Julius said, «I had a conversation with a colleague about
one of his patients. He said she had a habit of catching spears thrown at her and
then stabbing herself with them. Maybe I`m being a little loose here, Bonnie, but
that popped in mind when I saw how you take things and punish yourself with
them.»
«I know you`re all feeling impatient with me. I guess I still don`t know how
to use the group.»
«Well, you know what I`m going to say, Bonnie. Exactlywho here was
impatient? Look around the room.» The group could absolutely count on Julius
asking this question. He had never been known to let such a statement go by
without honing in on it and asking for names.
«Well, I think Rebecca wanted me to stop.»
«Whhhattt? Why I...”
«Hold up a minute, Rebecca,” Julius was being unusually directive today.
«Bonnie, what exactly did you see? What cues did you pick up?»
«About Rebecca? Well, she was silent. Didn`t speak a word.»
«I can`t win. I was doing my best to be quiet so you couldn`t accuse me of
taking attention from you. Can`t you recognize a gift?»
Bonnie was about to respond when Julius asked her to continue with her
descriptions of who was bored.
«Well, nothing I can spell out concretely. But you can just tell when people
are bored. I bore myself. Philip wasn`t looking at me, but then he never looks at
anyone. I know the group was waiting to hear from Philip. What he said about
popularity was far more interesting to the group than my whining.»
«Well, I wasn`t bored with you,” replied Tony, «and I didn`t see anyone
else bored either. And what Philip had to say wasnot more interesting; he stays so
much in his head that I don`t get real excited by his comments. I don`t even
remember them.»
«I do,” said Stuart. «Tony, after you commented about how he was always
in the center of things despite saying so little, he said that Bonnie and Rebecca
had a very similar problem. They`re overinvested in the opinions of others:
Rebecca gets too inflated and Bonnie too deflated—it was something like that.»
«You`re being a clicker again,” said Tony, pantomiming holding a camera
and taking pictures.
«Right. Keep me honest. I know, I know—less observations, more feelings.
Well, I agree that Philip is somehow central without having to say much. And it
does feel like breaking the rules to confront Philip about anything.»
«That`s an observation and an opinion, Stuart,” said Julius. «Can you go to
the feelings?»
«Well, I guess I have some envy about Rebecca`s interest in Philip. I felt
that it was odd no one asked Philip how he felt about that—well, that`s not quite a
feeling, is it?»
«Closer,” said Julius. «First cousin to a feeling. Keep going.»
«I feel threatened by Philip. He`s too smart. Also I feel ignored by him.
And don`t like being ignored.»
«Bingo, Stuart, now you`re honing in,” said Julius. «Any questions for
Philip?» Julius labored to keep his tone soft and delicate. His job was to help the
group include, not to threaten and exclude Philip by insisting he perform in a
manner not yet possible. It was for that reason he called upon Stuart rather than
the more confrontative Tony.
«Sure, but it`s hard to ask Philip questions.»
«He`s right here, Stuart.» Another fundamental Julius rule: never allow
members to speak of one another in the third person.
«Well, that`s the issue. It`s hard to talk to him...” Stuart turned to Philip, «I
mean, Philip, it`s hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Like right
now. Why is that?»
«I prefer to keep my own counsel,” said Philip, still gazing toward the
