ceiling.
Julius was poised to leap into the discussion if needed, but Stuart stayed
patient.
«I don`t follow.»
«If you ask something of me, I want to search within myself, free of any
distractions, in order to give you my best possible answer.»
«But your not looking at me makes me feel we`re not in contact.»
«But my words must tell you otherwise.»
«How about walking and chewing gum?» interjected Tony.
«Pardon?» Philip, puzzled, turned his head but not his eyes toward Tony.
«Like, how about doing both at the same time—looking at himand giving a
good answer?»
«I prefer to search my own mind. Meeting the gaze of the other distracts me
from searching for the answer the other might wish to hear.»
Silence prevailed while Tony and the others mulled Philip`s response.
Stuart then posed another question: «Well, let me ask you, Philip, all that
discussion about Rebecca`s preening for you—how did that make you feel?»
«You know,” Rebecca`s eyes showed fire, «I amreally beginning to resent
this, Stuart...it`s as though Bonnie`s fantasy has now passed into the books as
gospel.»
Stuart refused to be diverted. «Okay, okay. Delete that question. Philip, I`ll
ask you this: how did you feel about all the discussion about you the last
meeting?»
«The discussion was of great interest, and I am unflaggingly attentive.»
Philip looked at Stuart and continued, «But I have no emotional responses if that`s
your inquiry.»
«None? That doesn`t seem possible,” replied Stuart.
«Before beginning the group I read Julius`s book on group therapy and was
well prepared for the events of these meetings. I expected certain things to
happen: that I would be an object of curiosity, that some would welcome me and
some not, that the established hierarchy of power would be unsettled by my
entrance, that the women might look favorably upon me and the men unfavorably,
that the more central members might resent my appearance while the less
influential ones might be protective of me. Anticipating these things has resulted
in my viewing the events in the group dispassionately.»
Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip`s response and lapsed
into silence as he digested Philip`s words.
Julius said, «I`ve a bit of a dilemma...” He waited a moment. «On the one
hand,” he continued, «I feel it`s important to follow up this discussion with Philip,
but I`m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look
distressed, and I know you`ve been trying to get in.»
«I`m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by
Stuart.»
«Keep going.»
«There`s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self–centered,
not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I
resent it.»
«I know what that`s like,” said Julius. «I have those same knee–jerk
reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I`ve learned to do. The real trick is
to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it`s accurate. The
way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own
experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true?
I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about
other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on
one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?»
«That`s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.» Rebecca clasped her hand to
her sternum. «Right here.»
«Give that tightness a voice. What`s it saying?»
«It`s saying, вЂ?How will I look?` It`s shame. It`s being found out. This
business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes
me want to say, вЂ?It`s none of your fucking business—it`s my hair—I`ll do what I
want with it.`”
In his most teacherly voice Julius responded, «Years ago there was a
therapist named Fritz Perls who started a school called gestalt therapy. You don`t
hear much about him nowadays, but, anyway, he did a lot of focusing on the
body—you know, вЂ?Look what your left hand is doing right now,` or вЂ?I see you
stroking your beard a lot.` He`d ask patients to exaggerate the movement: �Keep
making a tighter fist with your left hand,` or �Keep stroking that beard more and
more vigorously and stay aware of what gets evoked.`
«I always felt there was a lot to Perls`s approach because so much of our
unconscious is expressed through body movements that lie out of our own
awareness. But I`ve never made much use of it in therapy. The reason? Exactly
because of what`s happening now, Rebecca. We often get defensive when others
spot us doing things of which we are unaware. So I understand how
uncomfortable you feel, but even so, can you stay with it and try to learn if there`s
something of value in the feedback?»
«In other words, you`re saying вЂ?be mature.` I`ll try.» Rebecca sat up
straight, took a breath, and with a determined demeanor began, «First, itis true
that I like attention and that I first came to therapy upset about my aging and
about no longer being stared at by men. So I may have been preening for Philip
but not consciously.» She turned back to the group. «So, mea culpa. I like to be
admired, I like to be loved and adored, I like love.»
«Plato,” Philip interjected, «observed that love is in the one who loves, not
in the one who is loved.»
«Love is in the one who loves not in the one who is loved—That`s a great
quote, Philip,” Rebecca said, flashing a smile. «You see, that`s what I like about
you. Comments just like that. They open my eyes. I find you interesting.
Attractive too.»
Rebecca turned to the group. «Does that mean I want to have an affair with
him? Nope! The last affair I had just about did my marriage in, and I`m not
shopping for trouble.»
«So Philip,” said Tony, «you have feelings about what Rebecca just said?»
«I said before that my goal in life is to will as little as possible and to know
as much as possible. Love, passion, seduction—these are powerful sentiments,
part of our hardwiring to perpetuate our species and, as Rebecca has just made
clear, they may operate unconsciously. But, all in all, these activities serve to
derail reason and interfere with my scholarly pursuits, and I want nothing to do
with them.»
«Every time I ask you something, you give me an answer that`s hard to
