“Ugh! Why can’t Hell stay where it’s at? Why does it always have to break loose?” she whined.
I tried to smile at her, but my mouth wouldn’t cooperate. I couldn’t tell her the truth and I didn’t want to lie. “It just wasn’t working.”
“What are you talking about? You’ve been talking about forever with this guy.”
I looked up at the vent in the ceiling and then back to Beth. “It’s the only way I know how to save him.”
Beth grew quiet. “Save him from what?”
“Me.”
Chapter Sixteen
The Arrangement
“Just keep walking,” Beth said, coaxing me into class.
Jared stood against the wall beside the door. He didn’t speak or approach me; he only watched as Beth led me in. My chest ached at the exhausted look in his eyes. He hadn’t slept.
Day after day, Jared continued to wait at the doorway of any place necessary for me to enter. By the end of the week I would feel a sick feeling in my stomach anytime I was coming or going. Sometimes he watched me walk past, sometimes he kept his eyes to the ground, but he was always there.
The second week was more difficult than the first. Jared still waited for me in random places on campus, and my friends began to ask questions. Ryan guessed there was trouble and proceeded to grill me about the details. I was glad that he noticed it was too painful to discuss, and let me suffer in silence.
Jared’s eyes darkened from midnight blue to black each time he saw Ryan walking happily beside me. It was unfair to let his worst fear play out in front of him, and I regretted not explaining to him the night I ended things that he would never have to suffer through that. I couldn’t be with someone else knowing that I could never truly love them the way I should, least of all Ryan. He deserved someone’s whole heart, and I had left mine with Jared.
Ryan knocked on my door every day, several times a day to visit or walk me to class, and I welcomed the company. It was easier to function when I was around him; he became my main distraction from all things Jared. Any obligation I felt for him had disappeared. As more time passed, I realized it wasn’t just him; I didn’t feel anything around anyone. I concentrated so hard on keeping Jared from sensing my grief that I felt numb most of the time.
By the second week of April, I had learned to keep my emotions in check. Kim, Beth and I passed Jared on our way into the Ratty and as usual, but I couldn’t get quite past him without my eyes involuntarily glancing in his direction. When I did so, his eyes caught mine and for the first time in a month, he reached out and firmly pulled my arm, bringing me just inches from his face.
Beth and Kim stood a few feet away. They didn’t protest, but they didn’t leave me alone. I assumed they thought they might get an insight on the strange situation with Jared if they stuck around to eavesdrop.
I stood in front of him, obstinately silent.
Jared scanned my face in confusion. He didn’t speak so I took a step toward the door. He pulled me back.
His sweet scent floated around me and my chest tightened. Feeling something other than hollow sent a wave of panic over me and I lashed out at him. “What do you want, Jared?”
He winced at my acerbic tone. “I’ve been patient. I’ve given you space. But it’s time we talked.”
I pulled my coat from his grip. “You haven’t given me space! You’re everywhere.”
“I thought maybe you’d break down and talk to me. This has to stop, Nina,” he said, working to stay calm.
“You’re right. This has to stop. You can do your job without being in my life. You’ve done it before.”
Jared pulled up my hand, viewing his ring still firmly in place. “If you don’t care about me, then why are you so adamant in keeping your promise?”
“It’s still a promise…no matter who it’s to,” I said, pulling my hand away. My wrist ached at the remaining warmth from his grip.
“That ring will be slightly inconvenient when you get married one of these days, don’t you think?”
“I can take it off if you’d like,” I shrugged.
Jared’s shoulders relaxed and the exhaustion set in. “Don’t act like you’re not hurting over this.”
“I…,” I should have lied to him and told him I was fine, but I couldn’t. The grief in his eyes was unbearable, so I retreated to the Ratty.
Jared’s hand shot out and grabbed the sleeve of my coat again, but this time I turned and jerked my arm down and away, and then yanked the door open. Beth and Kim quickly followed.
I sat between Ryan and Tucker, quietly picking at my food.
“Nina, you don’t eat much anymore,” Ryan said. “You look like you’ve lost some weight. I’m starting to worry about you.”
“I’m fine,” I mumbled.
He rolled his eyes and threw his french fry to his plate. “I know you’re fine. You’ve been fine for a month.”
“I’m fine!” All eyes in the room seemed to dart in my direction, looking for the source of the commotion. I stood and walked out, leaving my tray on the table.
I stormed past Jared and walked straight to my dorm, deciding to skip my afternoon class. Concentrating so hard on being void of any emotion took up so much of my energy that I tended to take naps more often than not. I rolled into a ball under my blanket and cleared my mind. Before long, I drifted off.
I woke to a knock at the door. It was dark; I had been asleep for hours. My muscles felt heavy and congealed, so I waited for Beth to answer.
“Hey, what’s up?” she asked the visitor in a hushed voice.
“Is Nina here?” Ryan asked, peering around her.
“She’s sleeping,” Beth whispered.
“No, I’m up. Come in, Ryan,” I said.
Ryan stepped across the room, and I bounced when he plopped onto my bed. “You need to pull yourself together.”
“Shut up, Ryan,” I said, wiping the inevitably smeared mascara from my eyes.
He pressed his thumb gently under my eye to fix a place that I missed. “We’re going out. I want you to come with us.”
I shook my head. “No thank you. I don’t….”
“I know you don’t want to, Nina. You never want to do anything. But you need to,” he said, flattening the parts of my hair that were out of place. “Things suck right now. You’re miserable, we all see it, but maybe if he thinks you’re happy he’ll back off.”
I looked up at him. “What?”
“I just meant that he’s probably hanging around because he’s worried about you. You look so unhappy. If he thought you were okay without him…maybe he’d let you live your life.”
I grabbed his shoulders and pulled him tightly to me, and then scrambled across the room to pull on my jacket.
“Walk with me,” I said, holding the door open.
He raised an eyebrow and stood up reluctantly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m perfect, let’s go,” I said, hurrying him out the door.
I pulled him along by his hand, dragging him to the parking lot. When we got to my car, Ryan paused. “We’re going somewhere?”
“Just get in.”
He didn’t move. “You’re weirding me out, Nigh.'
“Please?”
