The Bro Code

what her rack was like. The two Bros waged a terrible war over this chick — a war that could have been avoided had the Bros been familiar with the most basic Bro Code: Bros before hos. Troy put up a good fight, but the Spartan navy was very powerful. Soon hordes of Spartan seamen burst through the Trojan barrier, and Helen got half the gold for the next eighteen years.

Hundreds of years later, appropriately in Philadelphia (the City of Bro Love), a little known delegate named Barnabas Stinson scratched on parchment what is now considered the earliest attempt to record the Bro Code. Over the years Bros have amended and added rules, but Stinson's elegant words remain as the glorious preamble to the Bro Code.

While the original document is housed two stories beneath sea level in an undisclosed, vacuum-sealed, bulletproof chamber, I was able to gain access long enough to manufacture this replica.

July 4, 1776

The Bro Code

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for Bros to settfe a dispute, decent respect to the opinions of Bro-kind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to argue, though prudence says it's probably a chick. We hold these truths to he self evident, that all Bros are created equal — though not necessarify with the same good looks or sense of style — and that they are endowed with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of tail. To secure these rights, we present the Bro Code. If is the right of Bros to after or to abolish it, and to institute a new code, but let's face it — that's a lot of work.

Be it here resolved that, henceforth, when and if two gentfemen cover the company of the same wench, the Bro who first called dibs on said wench shall be entitled sufferance for such time as it takes to reasonably strike out, or the time it takes sand to fill one half of an hourglass, whichever comes first. At no point is it permissible for a Bro to violate this right and codpiece block his Bro, even if he hath consumed copious quantities of ale.

THE BRO CODE

ARTICLE 1

Bros before ho's.

The bond between two men is stronger than the bond between a man and a woman because, on average, men are stronger than women. That's just science

DID YOU KNOW…

Article 1 can trace its genesis all the way back to Genesis. No, not the Peter Gabriel/Phil Collins pop triad, but the biblical book. The discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls has unearthed a once- lost passage that documents the earliest infringement of the Bro Code.

BOOK OF BARNABAS 1:1

And everything of need was provided in the Garden. Fruit, water, companionship. But one day, Adam came upon a naked chick, Eve, and desired her olive leaf. And so Adam wenteth behind an apple tree to know Eve, totally ditching his Bro, Phil, who had Knicks tickets. Courtside. Long story short, humankind became self-aware, paradise was lost, and well, we all know what happened to the Knicks.

ARTICLE 2

A Bro is always entitled to do something stupid, as long as the rest of his Bros are all doing it.

NOTE: Had Butch Cassidy come charging out of that cabin alone, people would have been like, 'Dude, come on.' If only one Spanish dude had decided to run down the street in front of a bunch of angry bulls, people would Ve been like, 'Dude, come on.' If only Tommy Lee had worn eyeliner in the early days of Motley.Crue, people would have been like, 'Lady, come on.' The license to be stupid is why we have Bros in the first place.

ARTICLE 3

If a Bro gets a dog, it must be at least as tall as his knee when full-grown.

COROLLARY: Naming a lapdog after a pro wrestler or a character from a Steve McQueen movie does not absolve a Bro from the spirit of this article.

ARTICLE 4

A Bro never divulges the existence of the Bro Code to a woman. It is a sacred document not to be shared with chicks for any reason... no, not even that reason.

NOTE: If you are a woman reading this, first, let me apologize: it was never my intention for this book to contain so much math.

Second, I urge you to look at this document for what it is — a piece of fiction meant to entertain a broad audience through the prism of stereotypical gender differences. I mean, sometimes it really is like we're from different planets! Clearly, no real person would actually believe or adhere to the vulgar rules contained within.[5] Those boots are adorable, b-t-dub.

ARTICLE 5

Whether he cares about sports or not, a Bro cares about sports.

ARTICLE 6