The Bro Code

A Bro shall not lolly gag if he must get naked in front of other Bros in a gym locker room.

COROLLARY: If a Bro gets naked in the locker room, all other Bros shall pretend that nothing out of the ordinary is happening while, at the same time, immediately averting their eyes. When in doubt, remember the old adage: 'If a towel drops to the floor, so should your eyes.'

ARTICLE 7

A Bro never admits he can't drive stick. Even after an accident.

ARTICLE 8

A Bro never sends a greeting card to another Bro.

There are no sentiments between Bros that cannot be articulated through the convenience and emotional distance of electronic mail. The following are a few emails for any Brocassion that succinctly get the message across without costing you the trouble and expense of having to find and then send an actual greeting card.

EMAILS FOR ANY BROCCASION

SYMPATHY

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Dude

Sorry, Bro.

CONGRATULATIONS

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Bro!

Nice, Bro!

GET WELL SOON

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Bro…

Don't give up, Bro.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

To: Bro

From: Bro

Subject: Bro…

Drinks on me, Bro.

THINKING OF YOU

To: N/A

From: N/A

Subject: N/A

N/A

ARTICLE 9

Should a Bro lose a body part due to an accident or illness, his fellow Bros will not make lame jokes such as 'Gimme three!' or 'Wow, quitting your job like that really took a lot of ball.' It's still a high five and that Bro still has a lot of balls... metaphorically speaking, of course.

ARTICLE 10

A Bro will drop whatever he's doing and rush to help his Bro dump a chick.

It's normal for a Bro to get confused and disoriented when dumping a chick. For some reason he's worried she'll become agitated or even violent after he calmly explains his desire to have sex with her friends. This is when a Bro most needs his Bro to remind him that there are plenty of chicks in the ocean, and that a breakup need not be hazardous, stressful, or even time-consuming.

SIDE-BRO: HOW TO DUMP A CHICK IN SIX WORDS OR LESS

'Maybe try a side salad instead.'

'Cute! You're growing a mustache, too!'

'She looks like a younger you.'

'I will finance a boob job.'

'Sorry I threw out your shoes.'

'Your sister let me do that.'

ARTICLE 11

A Bro may ask his Bro(s) to help him move, but only after first disclosing an honest estimate on both time commitment and number of large pieces of furniture. If the Bro has vastly underestimated either, his Bros retain the right to leave his possessions where they are — in most cases, stuck in a doorway.

ARTICLE 12