The Bro Code

ARTICLE 22

There is no law that prohibits a woman from being a Bro.

Women make excellent Bros. Why? Because they can translate and navigate the confusing and contradictory whims that comprise the Chick Code.

DO CHICKS REALLY HAVE THEIR OWN CODE?

Yes, I'm afraid so. One morning, just before slipping out the door while my hostess was in the shower, I happened upon a copy of the rumored tome. I didn't have time to flip much past the pink bedazzled cover, but here are some of the phrases I remember seeing on the frilly pages within:

• A chick shall not sleep with another chick's ex-boyfriend, unless she does.

• A chick never pays for anything. Ever.

• If two chicks get into a fight, they shall make catty remarks and pretend to ignore each other, rather than simply stripping down and wrestling it out.

• If a chick hears a chick-empowerment song like 'I Will Survive,' she shall stop whatever she's doing, grab another chick's hand, and shriek the lyrics at the top of her lungs.

• A chick may get a dog as a pet, but only if it fits in her mailbox.

• If two chicks are wearing the same outfit, each retains the right to accidentally spill a drink on the other.

• A chick shall not operate a motor vehicle in a safe manner.

• A chick has a free pass to slut it up on Halloween.

ARTICLE 23

When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boohs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics, and on some occasions, surgery programs.

ARTICLE 24

When wearing a baseball cap, a Bro may position the brim at either 12 or 6 o'clock. All other angles are reserved for rappers and the handicapped.

ARTICLE 25

A Bro doesn't let another Bro get a tattoo, particularly a tattoo of a girl's name.

The average relationship between a man and a woman lasts eighty-three days. The relationship between a man and his skin lasts a lifetime and must be nurtured, because as we all know, the skin is the largest and second most important organ a man has.

BARNEY STINSON'S FIELD GUIDE TO TATTOOS

TRANSLATION: 'Hey, everybody, look at me! Not only have I made the foolish mistake of choosing a lifetime of monogamy, but I have permanently branded myself as off limits.'

TRANSLATION: 'Hey, everybody, look at me! This band looks like a scar of manhood that I earned after my village banished me to the hinterlands for seven days with no food or water… like in that Kevin Bacon basketball movie.'

TRANSLATION: 'Hey, everybody, look at me! I have a fearsome dragon on my arm! Are you scared? Good, because I'm hoping this baby wards off intruders from my mom's basement,^K

TRANSLATION: 'Hey, everybody, look at me! I'm governed by an Eastern philosophy, as these significant Cantonese and/or Mandarin characters chiseled into my flesh may or may not indicate. If I spoke or read this particular language, perhaps I could explain my perspective more clearly, but I guess you'll just have to take the scary-looking tattoo artist's word for it I know I did.'

TRANSLATION: 'Hey, everybody, look at me! There's an important message inked on my fingers. It has to be ten letters or less and you can only read it when I'm waterskiing or getting arrested, but still, it's an important message that wholly represents my creed.'

ARTICLE 26

Unless he has children, a Bro shall not wear his cellphone on a belt clip.

ARTICLE 27

A Bro never removes his shirt in front of other Bros, unless at a resort pool or the beach.

COROLLARY: A Bro with a coat of fur on his back keeps that thing covered at all times, even at a resort pool or the beach. Sorry, Bro.

ARTICLE 28

A Bro willy in a timely manner, alert his Bro to the existence of a girl fight.

A Bro must, in a timely manner, communicate the possibility of fisticuffs between two humans of the female variety (Henceforth 'girl fight'), in an effort to make possible and probable that another Bro or Bros can partake in observation. A 'timely manner' is open to interpretation based on the initial Bro's viewing and