The Bro Code

ARTICLE 37

A Bro is under no obligation to open a door for anyone. If women insist on having their own professional basketball league, then they can open their own doors. Honestly, they're not that heavy.

ARTICLE 38

Even in a fight to the death, a Bro never punches another Bro in the groin.

ARTICLE 39

When a Bro gets a chick's number, he waits at least ninety-six hours before calling her.

SIDE-BRO: ASK UNCLE BARNEY

Q: I'm confused — if a woman gives me her phone number, doesn't that mean she wants me to call her? Why do I have to wait so long?

A: Broflation — an unreasonable increase in female expectations about how Bros should act. You call a woman the next day, she tells her friends you called the next day, and soon enough, women everywhere will expect guys to call them the next day. Before you know it, Bros the world over will find themselves trapped in relationships, and all because you couldn't wait ninety-six little hours.

Q: Okay, I've waited ninety-six hours. When's the best time of day to call?

A: Call during the middle of the day. You'll have a better chance of catching her voice mail, which ultimately means less conversation. With any luck you'll be able to set something up without ever having to talk to her. Note: Never call after 9 PM — late-night phone calls are the province of the booty call, and only the booty call. See Article 92 for further elaboration.

Q: I 've always heard you wait three days? Why does the Bro Code specify four?

A: If you've always heard that a Bro should wait three days before calling, you can bet that women have, too. By waiting an extra day, you can make a chick feel special.

ARTICLE 40

Should a Bro become stricken with engagement, his Bros shall stage an intervention and attempt to heal him. This is more commonly known as 'a bachelor party.'

ARTICLE 41

A Bro never cries.

EXCEPTIONS: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.[7]

ARTICLE 42

Upon greeting another Bro, a Bro may engage in a high five, fist bump, or Bro hug, but never a full embrace.

EXECUTING A BRO HUG

Step 1: Interlocking hand clasp

Step 2: Lean torsos together, maintaining safe groin perimeter

Step 3: One pat on the back

ARTICLE 43

A Bro loves his country, unless that country isn't America.

ARTICLE 44

A Bro never applies sunscreen to another Bro.

EXCEPTION: If the Bros are within 7 degrees latitude of the equator.

ARTICLE 45

A Bro never wears jeans to a strip club.

WHY A BRO NEVER WEARS JEANS TO A STRIP CLUB

1. Cloth pockets are roomier and more elastic, allowing for a thicker wad of cash.

2. Denim clashes with a club's leopard, zebra, or other safari animal motif.

3. One word, two syllables, three hours in the ER: zipper.

4. It's a performance, and deserves respect. These erotic dancers have practiced tirelessly on a technically demanding piece of choreographed art. Would you wear dungarees to a ballet? [8]

5. You don't feel it as much on your kazoo.