Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

Here’s my prescription for you, Henry: a new consultant, and a new GP. I mean, who are these people— witch doctors? If the manufacturer of the drug goes to all the bother of putting a big yellow label on the front which says “AVOID ALOCHOL,” then—here’s a crazy idea—how about avoiding alcohol? It ain’t complicated. Y’know, I can’t believe doctors sometimes. I think the problem is that docs like to knock a few back themselves. I had this one bloke in London, and every time I went into his surgery, the place stank of gin, his nose glowed bright red, and he chained-smoked while he scribbled down his dodgy prescriptions in a little pad. I stopped going to see him in the end. I felt worse coming out of there than I did when I went in.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My doctor has prescribed Vicodin for a degenerative disc problem in my back, but my physical therapists say I should find an alternative besides narcotics. What do you think?

Bob, Georgia

I was hooked on that shit for a long time. Vicodin and me were made for each other—I love it. Especially Vicodin ES (for Extra Strength). But trust me, when you’re hooked on Vicodin, it’s almost fucking impossible to kick. I was popping 25 a day at one point, and that’s very dangerous, ’cos Vicodin is cut with stuff that can be extremely bad for your liver. Having said that, if you take Vicodin as your doctor prescribes it, you should be okay. If it says “take one every 6 hours” on the bottle, that’s what you’ve got to do. With me, I’d end up taking 6 every one hour, and blame it on my dyslexia. So you need to decide if you trust yourself. Or, if you think you need the meds and you don’t trust yourself, give the bottle to a relative or friend, so it ain’t within easy reach.

DR. OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY

Don’t Get Me Down

¦ Alcohol is basically a downer, even though it can make you do crazy hyperactive shit if you drink enough of it. That’s ’cos it reduces activity in the brain and central nervous system—the same thing that barbiturates, benzodiazepines, and modern sleeping medications like Zolpidem do.

¦ Barbiturates have long been used as “truth serums” by psychiatrists and the military—mainly thanks to an American doc, William Blackwenn, who discovered the benefits of “narcoanalysis” in the 1930s. Meanwhile, the Russians are thought to have a secret truth drug called SP-117 with no taste, no smell, no colour, and no obvious side-effects.

¦ Mixing downers with uppers might seem like a brilliant idea at 11pm on a Saturday night, but the U.S. Food and Drug Administration doesn’t agree: in 2010, it told the makers of Four Loko—nicknamed “blackout in a can”—to stop mixing caffeine and booze. The up/down combination leaves you “wide-awake drunk,” according to some experts, meaning you don’t realise how pissed you’re getting. Irish coffee is still legal, though…

¦ Another downer is chloral hydrate—which became famous when a Chicago bartender, Mickey Finn, was accused of spiking his customer’s drinks with it in 1903 (so he could rob ’em when they passed out). That’s why if you’re drugged in a bar it’s known as being “slipped a Mickey.” I bought some chloral hydrate myself once: it came in little gel caps and worked great on overly aggressive fans.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

To numb pain in my lower back, I’ve been “chipping” with heroin—ie, only doing it once every few days. But I’m getting scared, because now I’m counting the hours until I can do it again. I’m not stupid: I know what smack can do to people. But I also hate people’s attitudes to it. They’ll skip off to the bathroom for a few lines of cocaine—just as destructive!—yet would be shocked at my smoking heroin (I don’t inject). If you could give me any advice, I would very much appreciate it.

Zadie, Glasgow

This ain’t a good idea. I’ve seen the same thing happen so many times: you start “chipping”; then the smoking becomes more regular; then all of a sudden it’s not enough, and it leads straight to the needle. I’ve lost so many good friends because of that. Also: when you take street heroin—unlike an opiate that’s been prescribed by a doctor—you don’t know what you’re getting, man. I tried street heroin twice in my life, and it made me violently sick. You’ve also got to realise that it takes a lot of special training to administer heavy-duty pain drugs. That’s why hospitals have anaesthesiologists. I know it can be difficult to get pills from a doctor, but if you have a genuine condition, it shouldn’t be a problem. If you’re anything like me, you’re probably using your back pain as an excuse. Either way, find a GP or an addiction clinic—and be honest with ’em. There’s a lot of help out there, and you don’t have much time to lose.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m thinking of giving up booze. Does beer count?

Antony, Bristol

The first rule of alcoholism is that beer doesn’t count. Neither does vodka, wine, cognac, scotch, gin… Unfortunately when you realise you don’t want to be an alcoholic any more, everything counts. That’s why you can’t touch a drop. Anything else is a deal with the devil, and you’ll only ever lose.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

My teenage daughter, who is half-Chinese, suffers from red flushes when she drinks alcohol—a common complaint for her ethnicity. But she says that if she takes a stomach acid tablet just before she goes out, it can be controlled. Is this dangerous, do you think?

Anonymous, Berkshire

So let me get this straight, Mr. Anonymous from Berkshire: you’re worried about the stomach acid tablet… but not the booze? Well, here’s a little secret: I’ve been thrown in jail more times than I can remember; I’ve almost died on a number of other occasions; and I once tried to kill my own wife. None of this happened because of Pepto Bismol.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I live in Southern California and have been prescribed legal “medical marijuana” (for muscle pain), but it’s making me paranoid. How can I reduce this side-effect—and what do you think of the claimed link between pot and schizophrenia?

Lisa, Los Angeles

When I used to smoke pot, it was happy stuff: you’d get the munchies, have a laugh, and go to sleep. These days, when you have a joint, you end up holding onto your drawers and hoping you don’t go insane. I don’t know about the link with schizophrenia, but I do know that they fuck around with marijuana now, creating all these genetically altered mutant varieties. In the old days, a joint’s THC content—the chemical that gets you high, basically—used to be something like 4 per cent. Today, you hear of it being 20 per cent or even 40 per cent. It’s a bit like walking into a bar one day and being given a Bud Light, and the next being given something likes looks exactly like a Bug Light, and tastes exactly like a Bud Light, but which has the same effect on you as four bottles of vodka. As for reducing your paranoia: back in the 1970s, the way to do it was to have a beer.

It didn’t work, though. It just made you drunk and paranoid.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

In your opinion, which alcoholic beverage delivers the least unpleasant hangover—ie, red wine versus vodka or beer? As the festive season approaches, I’d like to indulge in the seasonal merriment, while making the mornings-after bearable.

Rod, Canterbury