Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

You’re asking me the wrong question. Trying to cure your hangover while you’re still drinking ain’t gonna have a happy ending, no matter what kind of booze you avoid. Alcohol is Alcohol. If you drink enough of it, nothing on the planet can save you. And after the third glass, any rule you’ve made up for yourself before you started to get slaughtered is gonna go straight out of the window. So the only thing you can really do is treat the hangover. Now, over the years, I developed a fail-safe cure for the morning-after. Basically, I’d mix four tablespoons of brandy with four tablespoons of port, throw in some milk, a few separated eggs, and—if I was in a festive mood—some nutmeg. Then I’d mix it up and down it the second I woke up. The way it works is very clever: it gets you instantly blasted again, so you don’t feel a thing. The only problem? Unless you keep drinking, the hangover that eventually catches up with you is about a thousand gazillion times worse than it would have been otherwise.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m a heavy boozer and now I get pains in my side quite often when I drink. I still have my appendix, both kidneys, and of course my liver. Which organ is the problem, do you think?

Kyle, British Columbia

I had the exactly same thing, and it turned out to be a damaged nerve from my kidneys to my liver. It was a big relief, to be honest with you, ’cos I was shitting myself that I had cirrhosis—I’ve lost many a good friend to that disease, and it ain’t a pretty way to go, believe me. If you’re gonna persist in drinking, my advice is to get regular blood tests, to see if your liver and kidneys are still holding up. Even better: quit altogether. I’ll never forget what happened to this guy Mickey I used to know. He was told by his doctor to stop boozing, so he went straight to the pub for his last pint, took one sip, and dropped stone dead, right there at the bar. Whatever you do, don’t end up like him.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m considering using Rohypnol—the “Date Rape Drug”—as a relaxant. Is this wise?

Catherine, Newcastle

I tried it in Germany a few years back. I’d gone to see this guy to buy some sleeping pills, but he was sold out, so he asked if I wanted to try some Rohypnol instead. Now, as it happened, I’d heard all about Rohypnol: the press was going crazy about it at the time, calling it the “date-rape drug,” but I thought it was all bullshit. A drug that could completely paralyse you while you remained fully awake? It seemed too good to be true. So I bought a couple of doses of the stuff and decided to try it out—my own little science experiment. I gulped down the pills with a nip of booze as soon as I got back to my hotel room. Then I waited. “Well, this is a load of bollocks,” I said to myself. Then two minutes later—while I was lying on the edge of the bed, trying to order a movie on the telly with the remote control—it suddenly kicked in. I couldn’t move… but I was wide awake! It was the weirdest feeling, man. The only trouble was that I’d been dangling on the edge of the bed when my muscles seized up, so I ended up sliding to the floor and whacking my head on the coffee table on the way down. It hurt like fuck. I spent five hours trapped between the bed and the radiator, unable to move or talk.

So I can’t say I recommend it.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve been drinking heavily for a few years now, and find myself turning redder and redder. What can I do?

Jim, Devon

I looked like Rudolph the Alcoholic Reindeer by the end of my drinking days. They say blueberries can help. In my experience, though, not being off your nut 24 hours a day is a safer bet.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’m 72 years old and have been taking Temazepam for tinnitus for a number of years (without any side effects), but I’ve decided recently that I’d like to come off the medication. I was going to go “cold turkey,” but your comments about the trouble you had coming off sleeping pills have frightened the living daylights out of me!

What should I do?

Debbie, Lancaster

The most important thing to do is talk to whoever gave you the prescription. Temazepam is a very powerful drug, so don’t listen to the Prince of Darkness (or anyone else) until you’ve had a professional opinion. For what it’s worth, it took me a year and a half to get off the same stuff. You go through hell. The problem is that the drugs make you used to sleeping artificially, so the withdrawal is evil. You have to do it very, very slowly. At 72, if you ain’t having any side-effects, ask yourself if it’s really worth the trouble.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Is it true that if you drink a pint of milk before going on the booze—to “line your stomach”—you can avoid a hangover?

Gareth, Durham

I used to have a similar hangover cure, but it involved putting booze in the milk. The fact is, everyone who drinks too much has these ridiculous old wives’ tales, but there’s only one medically proven way to avoid a hangover: don’t fucking drink in the first place. If you want to have a pint of milk and a hangover, fine, but don’t kid yourself into thinking a glass of semi-skimmed before a heavy night is gonna do any good. That’s bullshit.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

A friend of mine was hit by a car during his teens, and he’s never been quite the same since. We’ve both now developed a taste for high-strength weed, but I’ve now realised that it makes him crazy and delusional (he says he’s slept with Lady Gaga). He was put in care for a while, but as soon as he got out he went back to the dope. All my friends have tried telling him to stop, but it just makes him violent.

What should I do?

Anonymous

You can’t make anyone do anything—but you can say to your friend, “Look, I’m here if you ever want me help.” What I’ve realised is, there are some who can have one joint every so often and be perfectly happy with that, and there are some who can’t. For me, I started with weed, and ended up on heroin. A lot of people also make the mistake of thinking weed is harmless, but they should ask themselves the question: if you were gonna have open-heart surgery, and you had the choice between a doctor who’d just smoked a couple of joints, and a doctor who was clean, which one would you choose?

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

Here in Denmark, people believe you can get drunk by bathing your feet in tub of vodka, as the skin absorbs the booze in the same way as the lining of your stomach. Is this true?

Henrick, Copenhagen

Yes and no. I tried it once, but got bored after a few minutes and started drinking from the tub. The next morning, I wasn’t sure if it was my feet or my mouth that had given me the hangover.