empty of him. Sometimes Lilith sat alone with him, touched him, gained the empty attention of those eyes briefly. But the man himself had already gone. Perhaps he was with Ayre, or caught between her and Ayre-between this world and the next.
Or was he aware, but isolated in some part of his mind that could not make contact with anyone outside- trapped in the narrowest, most absolute solitary confinement-until, mercifully, his heart stopped.
That was brain damage-one form of brain damage. There were other forms, many worse. She saw them in the hospital over the months of Sam's dying.
He was lucky to have died so quickly.
She had never dared speak that thought aloud. It had come to her even as she wept for him. It came to her again now. He was lucky to have died so quickly.
Would she be equally lucky?
If the Oankali damaged her brain, would they have the decency to let her die-or would they keep her alive, a prisoner, permanently locked away in that ultimate solitary confinement?
She became aware abruptly that Nikanj had come into the bathroom silently and sat down opposite her. It had never intruded on her this way before. She stared at it, outraged.
'It isn't my ability to cope with your physiology that anyone questions,' it said softly. 'If I couldn't do that, my defects would have been noticed long ago.'
'Get out of here!' she shouted. 'Get away from me!' It did not move. It continued to speak in the same soft voice. 'Ooan says humans won't be worth talking to for at least a generation.' Its tentacles writhed. 'I don't know how to be with someone I can't talk to.'
'Brain damage isn't going to improve my conversation,' she said bitterly.
'I would rather damage my own brain than yours. I won't damage either.' It hesitated. 'You know you must accept me or ooan.'
She said nothing.
'Ooan is an adult. It can give you pleasure. And it is not as . . . as angry as it seems.'
'I'm not looking for pleasure. I don't even know what you're talking about. I just want to be let alone.'
'Yes. But you must trust me or let ooan surprise you when it's tired of waiting.'
'You won't do that yourself-won't just spring it on me?'
'No.'
'Why not?'
'There's something wrong with doing it that way- surprising people. It's . . . treating them as though they aren't people, as though they aren't intelligent.'
Lilith laughed bitterly. 'Why should you suddenly start to worry about that?'
'Do you want me to surprise you?'
'Of course not!'
Silence.
After a while, she got up and went to the bed platform. She lay down and eventually managed to fall asleep.
She dreamed of Sam and awoke in a cold sweat. Empty, empty eyes. Her head ached. Nikanj had stretched out beside her as usual. It looked limp and dead. How would it be to awaken with Kahguyaht there instead, lying beside her like a grotesque lover instead of an unhappy child? She shuddered, fear and disgust almost overwhelming her. She lay still for several minutes, calming herself, forcing herself to make a decision, then to act on it before fear could silence her.
'Wake up!' she said harshly to Nikanj. The raw sound of her own voice startled her. 'Wake up and do whatever it is you claim you have to do. Get it over with.'
Nikanj sat up instantly, rolled her over onto her side and pulled away the jacket she had been sleeping in to expose her back and neck. Before she could complain or change her mind, it began.
On the back of her neck, she felt the promised touch, a harder pressure, then the puncture. It hurt more than she had expected, but the pain ended quickly. For a few seconds she drifted in painless semiconsciousness.
Then there were confused memories, dreams, finally nothing.
7
When she awoke, at ease and only mildly confused, she found herself fully clothed and alone. She lay still, wondering what Nikanj had done to her. Was she changed? How? Had it finished with her? She could not move at first, but by the time this penetrated her confusion, she found the paralysis wearing off. She was able to use her muscles again. She sat up carefully just in time to see Nikanj coming through a wall.
Its gray skin was as smooth as polished marble as it climbed onto the bed beside her. 'You're so complex,' it said, taking both her hands. It did not point its head tentacles at her in the usual way, but placed its head close to hers and touched her with them. Then it sat back, pointing at her. It occurred to her distantly that this behavior was unusual and should have alarmed her. She frowned and tried to feel alarmed.
'You're filled with so much life and death and potential for change,' Nikanj continued. 'I understand now why some people took so long to get over their fear of your kind.'
She focused on it. 'Maybe it's because I'm still drugged out of my mind, but I don't know what you're talking about.'
'Yes. You'll never really know. But when I'm mature, I'll try to show you a little.' It brought its head close to hers again and touched her face and burrowed into her hair with its tentacles.
