'Mine had too many nuts,' another one of them said. 'Rule #961 clearly states that the Council of Elders' hot fudge sundaes cannot have more than fifteen pieces of nuts each, and mine might have had more than that.'
'I'm very sorry to hear that,' Klaus said, not adding that anyone who is so picky about a hot fudge sundae should make it themselves.
'We've stacked up the dirty ice cream dishes in the Snack Hut,' the third one said. 'Tomorrow afternoon you'll wash them as part of your uptown chores. But we came to tell Hector something.'
The children looked up to the top of the ladder, thinking that Hector would have to turn around and speak to them now, no matter how skittish he was. But he merely gave a little cough, and continued to scrub at Fowl Fountain. Violet remembered what her father had taught her to say when he was unable to come to the phone, and she spoke up.
'I'm sorry,' she said. 'Hector is occupied at the moment. May I give him a message?'
The Elders looked at one another and nodded, which made it look like their hats were pecking at one another. 'I suppose so,' one of them said. 'If we can trust a little girl like you to deliver it.'
'The message is very important,' the second one said, and once again I find it necessary to use the expression 'bolt from the blue.' You would think, after the mysterious appearance of not one but two poems by Isadora Quagmire at the base of Nevermore Tree, that no more bolts from the blue would appear in the village of V.F.D. A bolt of lightning, after all, rarely comes down from a clear blue sky and strikes the exact same place more than once. But for the Baudelaire orphans, life seemed to be little else than bolt after unfortunate bolt from the blue, ever since Mr. Poe had delivered the first bolt from the blue in telling them that their parents had been killed, and no matter how many bolts from the blue they experienced, their heads never spun any less, and their legs never got less wobbly, and their bodies never buzzed any less with astonishment when another bolt arrived from the blue. So when the Baudelaires heard the Elders' message, they almost had to sit down in Fowl Fountain, because the message was such an utter surprise. It was a message that they thought they might never hear, and it is a message that only reaches me in my most pleasant dreams, which are few and far between.
'The message is this,' said the third member of the Council of Elders, and she leaned her head in close so that the children could see every felt feather of her crow hat. 'Count Olaf has been captured,' she said, and the Baudelaires felt as if a bolt of lightning had struck them once more.
Chapter Six
Although 'jumping to conclusions' is an expression, rather than an activity, it is as dangerous as jumping off a cliff, jumping in front of a moving train, and jumping for joy. If you jump off a cliff, you have a very good chance of experiencing a painful landing unless there is something below you to cushion your fall, such as a body of water or an immense pile of tissue paper. If you jump in front of a moving train, you have a very good chance of experiencing a painful voyage unless you are wearing some sort of train-proof suit. And if you jump for joy, you have a very good chance of experiencing a painful bump on the head, unless you make sure you are standing someplace with very high ceilings, which joyous people rarely do. Clearly, the solution to anything involving jumping is either to make sure you are jumping to a safe place, or not to jump at all.
But it is hard not to jump at all when you are jumping to conclusions, and it is impossible to make sure that you are jumping to a safe place, because all 'jumping to conclusions' means is that you are believing something is true even though you don't actually know whether it is or not. When the Baudelaire orphans heard from the three members of V.F.D.'s Council of Elders that Count Olaf had been captured, they were so excited that they immediately jumped to the conclusion that it was true.
'It's true,' said one of the Elders, which didn't help things any. 'A man arrived in town this morning, with one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.'
'It must be Olaf,' Violet said, jumping to conclusions.
'Of course it is,' the second Council member said. 'He matched the description that Mr. Poe gave us, so we arrested him immediately.'
'So it's true,' Klaus said, joining his sister in the jump. 'You've really captured Count Olaf.'
'Of course it's true,' the third woman said impatiently. 'We've even contacted
'Hooray!' cried Sunny, the last Baudelaire to jump to conclusions.
'The Council of Elders has called a special meeting,' said the woman who appeared to be the eldest Elder. Her crow hat bobbed in excitement as she spoke. 'All citizens are required to go to Town Hall immediately, to discuss what is to be done with him. After all, Rule #19,833 clearly states that no villains are allowed within the city limits. The usual punishment for breaking a rule is burning at the stake.'
'Burning at the stake?' Violet said.
'Of course,' an Elder said. 'Whenever we capture rulebreakers, we tie them to a wooden pole and light a fire underneath their feet. That's why I warned you about the number of nuts on my hot fudge sundae. It would be a shame to light you on fire.'
'You mean the punishment is the same, no matter what rule you break?' Klaus asked.
'Of course,' another Elder replied. 'Rule #2 clearly states that anyone who breaks a rule is burned at the stake. If we didn't burn a rule-breaker at the stake, we would be rulebreakers ourselves, and someone else would have to burn us at the stake. Understand?'
'Sort of,' Violet said, although in truth she didn't understand it at all. None of the Baudelaires did. Although they despised Count Olaf, the children didn't like the idea of lighting him on fire. Burning a villain at the stake felt like something a villain would do rather than something done by fowl devotees.
'But Count Olaf isn't just a rulebreaker,' Klaus said, choosing his words very carefully. 'He has committed all sorts of terrible crimes. It would seem best to turn him over to the authorities, rather than burning him at the stake.'
'Well, that's something we can talk about at the meeting,' a Councilwoman said, 'and we'd better hurry or we'll be late. Hector, get down from that ladder.'
Hector didn't answer, but he got down from the ladder and followed the three members of the Council of Elders away from Fowl Fountain, keeping his eyes on the ground at all times. The Baudelaires followed Hector, their stomachs fluttering as they walked through the uptown district to the downtown one, where the crows were roosting as they had been yesterday, when the children had first arrived in V.F.D. Their stomachs were fluttering with relief and excitement, because they believed that Count Olaf had been captured, but also with nervousness and fear, because they hated the idea that he might be burned at the stake. The punishment for V.F.D. rulebreakers made the Baudelaires remember their parents' deaths, and they didn't like the idea of anyone being lit on fire, no matter how vile a person they were. It was unpleasant to feel relief, excitement, nervousness, and fear all at once, and by the time they arrived at Town Hall, the stomachs of the Baudelaire orphans were as fluttery as the crows, which were muttering and scuffling as far as the eye could see.
When one's stomach is as fluttery as all that, it is nice to take a short break to lie down and perhaps sip a fizzy beverage, but there was no time for such things. The three members of the Council led the way to the large room in Town Hall decorated with portraits of crows. The room was in pandemonium, a phrase which here means 'filled with Elders and townspeople standing around arguing.' The Baudelaires scanned the room for a sign of Olaf, but it was impossible to see anyone over the bobbing crow heads.
'We need to begin the meeting!' called one of the Council. 'Elders, find your places on the bench. Townspeople, find your places on folding chairs.' The townspeople stopped talking at once and hurried into their seats, perhaps afraid that they would be burned at the stake if they didn't sit down quickly enough. Violet and Klaus sat down next to Hector, who was still staring at the floor in silence, and picked up Sunny so she could see.
'Hector, place Officer Luciana and Count Olaf on the platform for discussion,' an Elder ordered, as the last few townspeople sat down.
'There's no need,' called out a grand voice from the back of the room, and the children turned around to see Officer Luciana, with a big red grin beneath the visor of her helmet. 'I can get to the platform myself. After all, I'm the Chief of Police.'
