'That's true,' another Elder said, and several other people on the bench nodded their crow hats in agreement as Luciana strolled to the platform, each of her black boots making a loud
'I'm proud to say,' Officer Luciana said proudly, 'that I've already made the first arrest of my career as Chief of Police. Isn't that smashing?'
'Hear, hear!' cried several townspeople.
'And now,' Luciana continued, 'let's meet the man we're all dying to burn at the stake — Count Olaf!'
With a grand gesture, Officer Luciana stepped off the platform, clunked to the back of the room, and dragged a frightened-looking man out of a folding chair. He was dressed in a rumpled suit with a large rip across the shoulder, and a pair of shiny silver handcuffs. He wasn't wearing any shoes or socks, and as Officer Luciana marched him to the platform the children could see that he had a tattoo of an eye on his left ankle, just like Count Olaf had. And when he turned his head and gazed around the room, the children could see that he had only one eyebrow, instead of two, just like Count Olaf had. But the children could also see that he wasn't Count Olaf. He wasn't as tall as Count Olaf, and he wasn't quite as thin, and there wasn't dirt under his fingernails, or a nasty and greedy look in his eyes. But most of all the Baudelaires could see that he wasn't Count Olaf the way you could tell that a stranger wasn't your uncle, even if he were wearing the same polka-dot coat and curly wig that your uncle always wore. The three siblings looked at one another, and then at the man being dragged onto the platform, and they realized with a sinking feeling that they had been jumping to conclusions about Olaf's capture.
'Ladies and gentlemen,' Officer Luciana said, 'and orphans, I give you Count Olaf!'
'But I'm not Count Olaf!' the man cried. 'My name is Jacques, and — '
'Silence!' commanded one of the meanest-looking members of the Council of Elders. 'Rule #920 clearly states that no one may talk while on the platform.'
'Let's burn him at the stake!' cried a voice, and the children turned to see Mr. Lesko standing up and pointing at the trembling man on the platform. 'We haven't burned anyone at the stake for a long time!'
Several members of the Council nodded their heads. 'That's a good point,' one of them said.
'He's Olaf, all right,' Mrs. Morrow called from the far side of the room. 'He has one eyebrow instead of two, and there's a tattoo of an eye on his ankle.'
'But lots of people have only one eyebrow,'
Jacques cried, 'and I have this tattoo as part of my job.'
'And your job is villain!' Mr. Lesko called out triumphantly. 'Rule #19,833 clearly states that no villains are allowed within the city limits, so we get to burn you at the stake!'
'Hear, hear!' called several voices in agreement.
'I'm not a villain!' Jacques said frantically. 'I work for the volunteer — '
'Enough is enough!' said one of the youngest Elders. 'Olaf, you have already been warned about Rule #920. You are not allowed to speak when you are on the platform. Do any more citizens wish to speak before we schedule the burning of Olaf at the stake?'
Violet stood up, which is not an easy thing to do if your head is still spinning, your legs are still wobbly, and your body is still buzzing with astonishment. 'I wish to speak,' she said. 'The town of V.F.D. is my guardian, and so I am a citizen.'
Klaus, who had Sunny in his arms, stood up and took his place beside his sister. 'This man,' he said, pointing at Jacques, 'is not Count Olaf. Officer Luciana has made a mistake in arresting him, and we don't want to make things worse by burning an innocent man at the stake.'
Jacques gave the children a grateful smile, but Officer Luciana turned around and clunked over to where the Baudelaires were standing. The children could not see her eyes, because the visor on her helmet was still down, but her bright red lips curled into a tight smile. 'It is you who are making things worse,' she said, and then turned to the Council of Elders. 'Obviously, the shock of seeing Count Olaf has confused these children,' she said to them.
'Of course it has!' agreed an Elder. 'Speaking as a member of the town serving as their legal guardian, I say that these children clearly need to be put to bed. Now, are there any adults who wish to speak?'
The Baudelaires looked over at Hector, in the hopes that he would overcome his nervousness and stand up to speak. Surely he didn't believe that the three siblings were so confused that they didn't know who Count Olaf was. But Hector did not rise to the occasion, a phrase which here means 'continued to sit in his folding chair with his eyes cast downward,' and after a moment the Council of Elders closed the matter.
'I hereby close the matter,' an Elder said. 'Hector, please take the Baudelaires home.'
'Yes!' called out a member of the Verhoogen family. 'Put the orphans to bed and burn Olaf at the stake!'
'Hear, hear!' several voices cried.
One of the Council of Elders shook his head. 'It's too late to burn anyone at the stake today,' he said, and there was a mutter of disappointment from the townspeople. 'We will burn Count Olaf at the stake right after breakfast,' he continued. 'All uptown residents should bring flaming torches, and all downtown residents should bring wood for kindling and some sort of healthy snack. See you tomorrow.'
'And in the meantime,' Officer Luciana announced, 'I will keep him in the uptown jail, across from Fowl Fountain.'
'But I'm innocent!' the man on the platform cried. 'Please listen to me, I beg of you! I'm not Count Olaf! My name is Jacques!' He turned to the three siblings, who could see he had tears in his eyes. 'Oh, Baudelaires,' he said, 'I am so relieved to see that you are alive. Your parents — '
'That's enough out of you,' Officer Luciana said, clasping her white-gloved hand over Jacques's mouth.
'Pipit!' Sunny shrieked, which meant 'Wait!' but Officer Luciana either didn't listen or didn't care, and she quickly dragged Jacques out the door before he could say another word. The townspeople rose up in their folding chairs to watch him go, and then began talking among themselves as the Council of Elders left the bench. The Baudelaires saw Mr. Lesko share a joke with the Verhoogen family, as if the entire evening had been a jolly party instead of a meeting sentencing an innocent man to death. 'Pipit!' Sunny shrieked again, but nobody listened. His eyes still on the floor, Hector took Violet and Klaus by the hand and led them out of Town Hall. The handyman did not say a word, and the Baudelaires didn't, either. Their stomachs felt too fluttery and their hearts too heavy to even open their mouths. As they left the council meeting without another glimpse of Jacques or Officer Luciana, they felt a pain even worse than that of jumping to conclusions. The children felt as if they had jumped off a cliff, or jumped in front of a moving train. As they stepped out of Town Hall into the still night air, the Baudelaire orphans felt as if they would never jump for joy again.
Chapter Seven
In this large and fierce world of ours, there are many, many unpleasant places to be. You can be in a river swarming with angry electric eels, or in a supermarket filled with vicious long-distance runners. You can be in a hotel that has no room service, or you can be lost in a forest that is slowly filling up with water. You can be in a hornet's nest or in an abandoned airport or in the office of a pediatric surgeon, but one of the most unpleasant things that can happen is to find yourself in a quandary, which is where the Baudelaire orphans found themselves that night. Finding yourself in a quandary means that everything seems confusing and dangerous and you don't know what in the world to do about it, and it is one of the worst unpleasantries you can encounter. The three Baudelaires sat in Hector's kitchen as the handyman prepared another Mexican dinner, and compared with the quandary they were in, all their other problems felt like the small potatoes he was chopping into thirds.
'Everything seems confusing,' Violet said glumly. 'The Quagmire triplets are somewhere nearby, but we don't know where, and the only clues we have are two confusing poems. And now, there's a man who isn't Count Olaf, but he has an eye tattooed on his ankle, and he wanted to tell us something about our parents.'
'It's more than confusing,' Klaus said. 'It's dangerous. We need to rescue the Quagmires before Count Olaf does something dreadful, and we need to convince the Council of Elders that the man they arrested is really Jacques, otherwise they'll burn him at the stake.'
'Quandary?' Sunny said, which meant something along the lines of 'What in the world can we do about
