'Me neither,' Colette said, 'but today's visitors were certainly excited about the carnival's new attraction. Everyone does seem to love violence.'
'And sloppy eating,' Hugo said, dabbing at his mouth with a napkin. 'It's certainly an interesting dilemma.'
'I don't think it's an interesting dilemma,' Klaus said, squinting at his coworkers. 'I think its a terrible one. Tomorrow afternoon, someone will jump to their deaths.' He did not add that the Baudelaires planned to be far away from Caligari Carnival by then, heading out to the Mortmain Mountains in the invention Violet planned to construct early tomorrow morning.
'I don't know what we can do about it ' Kevin said. 'On one hand, I'd rather keep on performing at the House of Freaks instead of being fed to the lions. But on the other hand — and in my case, both my hands are equally strong — Madame Lulu's motto is 'give people what they want,' and apparently they want this carnival to be carnivorous.'
'I think it's a terrible motto,' Violet said, and Sunny growled in agreement. 'There are better things to do with your life than doing something humiliating and dangerous, just to make total strangers happy.'
'Like what?' Colette asked.
The Baudelaires looked at one another. They were afraid to reveal their plan to their coworkers, in case one of them would tell Count Olaf and ruin their escape. But they also couldn't stand resolute, knowing that something terrible would happen just because Hugo, Colette, and Kevin felt obliged to be freaks and live up to Madame Lulu's motto.
'You never know when you'll find something else to do,' Violet said finally. 'It could happen at any moment.'
'Do you really think so?' Hugo asked hopefully.
'Yes,' Klaus said. 'You never know when opportunity will knock.'
Kevin looked up from his soup and gazed at the Baudelaires with a look of hope in his eye. 'Which hand will it knock with?'
'Opportunity can knock with any hand, Kevin,' Klaus said, and at that moment there was a knock at the door.
'Open up, freaks.' The impatient voice, coming from outside the caravan, made the children jump. As I'm sure you know, when Klaus used the expression 'opportunity will knock,' he meant that his coworkers might find something better to do with their time, instead of leaping into a pit of hungry lions just to give some people what they wanted. He did not mean that the girlfriend of a notorious villain would actually knock on the door and give them an idea that was possibly even worse, but I am sorry to say that it was Esmй Squalor who was knocking, her long fingernails clattering against the door. 'Open up. I want to talk to you.'
'Just one moment, Ms. Squalor,' Hugo called, and walked over to the door. 'Let's all be on our best behavior,' he said to his coworkers. 'It's not often that a normal person wants to talk to us, and I think we should make the most of this opportunity.'
'We'll be good,' Colette promised. 'I won't bend into a single strange position.'
'And I'll use only my right hand,' Kevin said. 'Or maybe only my left hand.'
'Good idea,' Hugo said, and opened the door. Esmй Squalor was leaning in the doorway with a wicked smile on her face.
'I am Esmй Gigi Geniveve Squalor,' she said which was often how she announced herself, even when everyone nearby knew who she was. She stepped inside the freaks' caravan, and the Baudelaires could see that she had dressed for the occasion, a phrase which here means 'put on a specific outfit in an attempt to impress them.' She was dressed in a long, white gown, so long that it passed her feet and lay around her as if she were standing in a large puddle of milk. Embroidered on the front of the gown in glittery thread were the words I LOVE FREAKS, except instead of the word 'love' there was an enormous heart, a symbol sometimes used by people who have trouble figuring out the difference between words and shapes. On one of the shoulders of the gown, Esmй had tied a large brown sack, and on her head she had an odd round hat, with black thread poking out of the top, and it had a large, angry face drawn on the front of it. The children knew that such an outfit must be very in, otherwise Esmй would not be wearing it, but they couldn't imagine who in the world would admire such strange clothing 'What a lovely outfit!' Hugo said.
'Thank you,' Esmй said. She poked Colette with one of her long fingernails, and the contortionist stood up so Esmй could sit down in her chair. 'As you can see from the front of my gown, I love freaks.'
'You do?' Kevin said. 'That's very nice of you.'
'Yes, it is,' Esmй agreed. 'I had this dress made especially to show how much I love them. Look, there's a cushion on the shoulder, to resemble a hunchback, and my hat makes me look as if I have two heads, like Beverly and Elliot.'
'You certainly look very freakish,' Colette said.
Esmй frowned, as if this wasn't quite what she wanted to hear. 'Of course, I'm not really a freak,' she said. 'I'm a normal person, but I wanted to show you all how much I admire you. Now, please bring me a carton of buttermilk. It's very in.'
'We don't have any,' Hugo said, 'but I think we have some cranberry juice, or I could make you some hot chocolate. Chabo here taught me to add cinnamon to the hot chocolate, and it tastes quite delicious.'
'Tom ka gai!' Sunny said.
'And we also have soup,' Hugo said.
Esmй looked down at Sunny and frowned. 'No, thank you,' she said, 'although it's very kind of you to offer. In fact, you freaks are so kind that I consider you to be more than employees at a carnival I happen to be visiting. I consider you to be some of my closest friends.'
The children knew, of course, that this ridiculous statement was as fake as Esmй's second head, but their coworkers were thrilled. Hugo gave Esmй a big smile, and stood up straight so that you could barely see his hunchback. Kevin blushed and looked down at his hands. And Colette was so excited that before she could stop herself, she twisted her body until it resembled the letter K and the letter S at the same time.
'Oh, Esmй,' Colette said. 'Do you really mean it?'
'Of course I mean it,' Esmй said, pointing to the front of her gown. 'I would rather be here with you than with the finest people in the world.'
'Gosh,' Kevin said. 'No normal person has ever called me a friend.'
'Well, that's what you are,' Esmй said, and leaned toward Kevin to kiss him on the nose. 'You're all my freaky friends. And it makes me very sad to think that one of you will be eaten by lions tomorrow.' The Baudelaires watched as she reached into a pocket in the gown and drew out a white handkerchief, embroidered with the same slogan as her gown, and held up the word 'freaks' to dab at her eyes. 'I have real tears in my eyes from thinking about it,' she explained.
'There, there, close friend,' Kevin said, and patted one of her hands. 'Don't be sad.'
'I can't help it,' Esmй said, yanking back her own hand as if she were afraid that being ambidextrous was contagious. 'But I have an opportunity for you that might make all of us very, very happy.'
'An opportunity?' Hugo asked. 'Why, Beverly and Elliot were just telling us that an opportunity could come along at any minute.'
'And they were right,' Esmй said. 'Tonight I am offering you the opportunity to quit your jobs at the House of Freaks, and join Count Olaf and myself in his troupe.'
'What would we do exactly?' Hugo asked.
Esmй smiled, and began to accentuate the positive aspects of working with Count Olaf, a phrase which here means 'make the opportunity sound better than it really was, by emphasizing the good parts and scarcely mentioning the bad.' 'It's a theatrical troupe,' she said, 'so you'd be wearing costumes and doing dramatic exercises, and occasionally committing crimes.'
'Dramatic exercises!' Kevin exclaimed, clasping both hands to his heart. 'It's always been my heart's desire to perform on a stage!'
'And I've always wanted to wear a costume!' Hugo said.
'But you do perform on a stage,' Violet said 'and you wear an ill-fitting costume every day at the House of Freaks.'
'If you joined, you'd get to travel with us to exciting places,' Esmй continued, glaring at Violet. 'Members of
