Count Olaf's troupe have seen the trees of Finite Forest, and the shores of Lake Lachrymose, and the crows of the Village of Fowl Devotees, although they always have to sit in the back seat. And, best of all, you'd get to work for Count Olaf, one of the most brilliant and handsome men who ever walked the face of the earth.'
'Do you really think that a normal man like him would want to work with freaks like us?' Colette asked.
'Of course he would,' Esmй said. 'Count Olaf doesn't care whether you have something wrong with you or if you're normal, as long as you're willing to carry out his orders. I think you'll find that working in Olaf's troupe is a job where people won't think you're freakish at all. And you'll be paid a fortune — at least, Count Olaf will be.'
'Wow!' Hugo said. 'What an opportunity!'
'I had a hunch you'd be excited about it,' Esmй said. 'No offense, Hugo. Now, if you're interested in joining, there's just one thing you need to do.'
'A job interview?' Colette asked nervously.
'There's no need for close friends of mine to do anything as unpleasant as a job interview,' Esmй said. 'You just have to do one simple task. Tomorrow afternoon, during the show with the lions, Count Olaf will announce which freak will jump into the pit of lions. But I want whomever is chosen to throw Madame Lulu in instead.'
The freaks' caravan was silent for a moment as everyone digested this information. 'You mean,' Hugo said finally, 'that you want us to murder Madame Lulu?'
'Don't think of it as murder,' Esmй said. 'Think of it as a dramatic exercise. It's a special surprise for Count Olaf that will prove to him that you're brave enough to join his troupe.'
'Throwing Lulu into a pit of lions doesn't strike me as particularly brave,' Colette said. 'Just cruel and vicious.'
'How can it be cruel and vicious to give people what they want?' Esmй asked. 'You want to join Count Olaf's troupe, the crowd wants to see someone eaten by lions, and I want Madame Lulu thrown into the pit. Tomorrow, one of you will have the exciting opportunity to give everybody exactly what they want.'
'Grr,' Sunny growled, but only her siblings understood that she really meant 'Everybody except Lulu.'
'When you put it like that,' Hugo said thoughtfully, 'it doesn't sound so bad.'
'Of course it doesn't,' Esmй said, adjusting her false head. 'Besides, Madame Lulu was eager to see all of you eaten by lions, so you should be happy to throw her in the pit.'
'But why do you want Madame Lulu thrown in?' Colette asked.
Esmй scowled. 'Count Olaf thinks we have to make this carnival popular, so that Madame Lulu will help us with her crystal ball,' she said, 'but I don't think we need her help. Besides, I'm tired of my boyfriend buying her presents.'
'That doesn't seem like such a good reason for someone to be eaten by lions,' Violet said carefully, in her disguised voice.
'I'm not surprised that a two-headed person like yourself is a little confused,' Esmй said, and reached out her long-nailed hands to pat both Violet and Klaus on their scarred faces. 'Once you join Olaf's troupe, you won't be troubled by that kind of freakish thinking any longer.'
'Just think,' Hugo said, 'tomorrow we'll stop being freaks, and we'll be henchmen of Count Olaf.'
'I prefer the term henchpeople,' Colette said.
Esmй gave everyone in the room a big smile and then reached up to her shoulder and opened the brown sack. 'To celebrate your new jobs ' she said, 'I brought each of you a present.'
'A present!' Kevin cried. 'Madame Lulu never gave us presents.'
'This is for you, Hugo,' Esmй said, and took out an oversized coat the Baudelaires recognized from a time when the hook-handed man had disguised himself as a doorman. The coat was so big that it had covered his hooks, and as Hugo tried it on, they saw that it was also big enough to fit Hugo, even with his irregular shape. Hugo looked at himself in the mirror and then at his coworkers in joy.
'It covers my hunchback!' he said happily. 'I look normal, instead of freakish!'
'You see?' Esmй said. 'Count Olaf is already making your life much better. And look what I have for you, Colette.' The Baudelaires watched as Olaf's girlfriend reached into the sack and pulled out the long, black robe that they had seen in the trunk of the automobile. 'It's so baggy,' Esmй explained, 'that you can twist your body any which way, and no one will notice that you're a contortionist.'
'It's like a dream come true!' Colette said, grabbing it out of Esmй's hands. 'I'd throw a hundred people into the lion pit to wear something like this.'
'And Kevin,' Esmй said, 'look at this small piece of rope. Turn around, and I'll tie your right hand behind your back so you can't possibly use it.'
'And then I'll be left-handed, like normal people!' Kevin said, jumping out of his chair and standing on his two equally strong feet. 'Hooray!'
The ambidextrous person turned around happily so Esmй could tie his right hand behind his back, and in a moment he became someone with only one useful arm instead of two.
'I haven't forgotten you two,' Esmй continued, smiling at the three of them. 'Chabo here's a long razor that Count Olaf uses when he needs to disguise himself with a good shave I thought you could use it to trim some of that ugly wolf hair. And for you, Beverly and Elliot I have this.'
Esmй removed the sack from her gown and held it out to the older Baudelaires triumphantly. Violet and Klaus peeked inside and saw that it was empty. 'This sack is perfect to cover up one of your heads,' she explained. 'You'll look like a normal one-headed person who just happens to have a sack balanced on their shoulder. Isn't that smashing?'
'I guess so,' Klaus said, in his fake high voice.
'What's the matter with you?' Hugo demanded. 'You've been offered an exciting job and given a generous present, and yet both your heads are moping around.'
'You, too, Chabo,' Colette said. 'I can see through your fur that you don't look very enthusiastic.'
'I think this might be an opportunity that we should refuse,' Violet said, and her siblings nodded in agreement.
'It's nothing personal,' Klaus added quickly, although not wanting to work for Count Olaf was about as personal as things could get. 'It does seem very exciting to work in a theatrical troupe, and Count Olaf does seem like a terrific person.'
'Then what's the problem?' Kevin asked.
'Well,' Violet said, 'I don't think I'm comfortable throwing Madame Lulu to the lions.'
'As her other head, I agree,' Klaus said, 'and Chabo agrees, too.'
'I bet she only half agrees,' Hugo said. 'I bet her wolf half can't wait to watch her get eaten.'
Sunny shook her head and growled as gently as she could, and Violet lifted her up and placed her on the table. 'It just doesn't seem right,' Violet said. 'Madame Lulu isn't the nicest person I know, but I'm not sure she deserves to be devoured.'
Esmй gave the older Baudelaires a large false smile, and leaned forward to pat them each on the head again. 'Don't worry your heads over whether or not she deserves to be devoured,' she said, and then smiled down at Chabo. 'You don't deserve to be half wolf, do you?' she asked. 'People don't always get what they deserve in this world.'
'It still seems like a wicked thing to do,' Klaus said.
'I don't think so,' Hugo said. 'It's giving people what they want, just like Lulu says.'
'Why don't you sleep on it?' Esmй suggested, and stood up from the table. 'Right after tomorrow's show, Count Olaf is heading north to the Mortmain Mountains to take care of something important, and if Madame Lulu is eaten by then, you'll be allowed to join him. You can decide in the morning whether you want to be brave members of a theater troupe, or cowardly freaks in a rundown carnival.'
'I don't need to sleep on it,' Kevin said.
'Me neither,' Colette said. 'I can decide right now.'
'Yes,' Hugo agreed. 'I want to join Count Olaf.'
'I'm glad to hear that,' Esmй said. 'Maybe you can convince your coworkers to join you in joining me joining him.' She looked scornfully at the three children as she opened the door to the caravan. The hinterlands sunset was long over, and there was not a trace of blue light falling on the carnival. 'Think about this, Beverly and Elliot, and Chabo, too,' she said. 'It just might be a wicked thing, throwing Madame Lulu into a pit full of carnivorous lions.'
