He shrugged. ‘As you say. Let it go. What difference can it make now?’
She rose from her chair. The movement brought her slight swelling into focus, and he took her hands to help her the rest of the way.
‘There’s one thing you wanted that you’re going to have,’ he said. ‘I’m glad about the baby, Kelly. Glad for your sake. That’s something I don’t want to spoil for you, and I promise that I won’t.’
‘Thank you,’ she said in a strained voice. ‘Goodnight, Jake.’
She had to get away from him before he suspected that she was on the edge of tears. If she hadn’t stopped him he would have destroyed all her memories of their marriage. Bit by bit he would have gone through it, putting his own behaviour in the worst, unloving light. She’d always known that he didn’t love her as she loved him, that he had married her to secure their child. But still she’d cherished the belief that he’d loved her a little. Without that belief the last eight years would be reduced to rubble. For a moment she almost hated him for trying to do that.
She was doing what she’d warned against: raking over the past. She’d taught herself to be stronger than that now. She took a deep breath, pulled herself together, and got into bed.
Jake also went to bed, moving slowly, partly to counter the dull ache in his insides that troubled him these days, but mostly with the crushing effects of disappointment.
Hell, what had he expected? That she would fall into his arms just because he owned past mistakes? She didn’t need him to admit he’d been a lousy, selfish jerk of a husband. She already knew that.
But somehow he’d persuaded himself that her kindness might be more than kindness, which just showed what a fool he was. She hadn’t even let him finish. His ‘dear sister’ was clinging to him for support because that was what she needed. And he, who’d sworn to give her whatever she needed, would have to be satisfied with that.
But still, he felt as though she’d slammed a door in his face.
It was good to see Carl’s bronzed face on the first day back at college. In fact it was good to see everyone. Jake had ruined the morning by being in a foul temper from the moment he awoke. Nothing she’d said had been right. Everything she’d done had provoked his criticism, until he’d finally said, ‘Don’t be late home,’ and she had grown cross.
‘I’ll come home when I’m ready. Stop smothering me, Jake.’
‘Just trying to take care of you,’ he’d snapped.
‘Well, I feel as if you want to tie me down. Do this, don’t do that, get home when I say.’
‘All right, all right!’ He’d thrown up his hands as if to fend her off. Later she was to remember that gesture with torment.
‘I’ll leave you alone then,’ he’d growled, and slouched back to his room.
To her dismay she found it was a relief to get away from him to the safety of college, where she felt at home. Carl waved from a distance and mouthed ‘See ya!’ before vanishing into the crowd. She spent the day catching up with friends, checking timetables and getting lists of books to read. At the end of the day there was a reunion in the pub at which she became very jolly on orange juice. Just when she’d given up hope of seeing Carl, he appeared.
‘Come and have a pizza with me before you go,’ he said.
‘Lovely. I’ll just let Jake know.’
But when she called she got the answer-machine. She left Jake a message, saying she’d be late.
‘He’s probably slipped out to get a Chinese meal from the place on the corner,’ she told Carl. ‘Let’s go.’
Over pizza he described his Italian trip. He was a good talker and his descriptions made her feel that doors and windows were opening for her. In this way the time slipped by without her noticing, until she looked at her watch and realised that she’d been there for three hours.
‘Jake will wonder if I’ve been abducted by aliens,’ she said, taking out her phone and hastily dialling.
But again she got the answer-machine.
‘That’s strange,’ she mused. ‘He can’t have been out all this time.’
‘Why not? He was well enough to go out that night I came over. He must be even better now.’
‘Actually he’s not. In fact he seems a little peaky-’ She stopped and a horrible fear rushed over her. ‘Carl, I’ve got to get home quickly.’
He didn’t argue, but hurried out with her and sped her home in his car. As she got out she looked up to her own windows and saw a faint light, which increased her apprehension.
‘Kelly, there’s nothing to worry about,’ Carl urged as they went up in the lift. ‘He came home from wherever he was and forgot to switch the answer-machine off before he went to bed.’
‘Yes, of course,’ she said eagerly, but she still ran out of the lift to her front door.
The flat was very quiet. There was no sign of Jake, but there was a light under his door. Quietly she pushed it open, and was briefly reassured by the sight of him lying in bed. She went to him and touched him on the shoulder, making him turn to face her. What she saw made her hurry out to Carl.
‘Call an ambulance, fast,’ she said tersely, and ran back at once.
Jake’s face was a horrible greyish colour, much as when she’d first seen him in hospital. His eyes glittered as if with pain, and he stared at Kelly as though wondering who she was.
‘Jake,
She took his hand. It was dry and hot.
‘Kelly?’ he whispered.
‘What happened to you?’
His lips moved painfully. ‘I’m all right. Did you have a good day at college?’
‘Damn college!’ she said violently. ‘And damn you for not telling me you were ill! You weren’t well this morning, were you?’
‘Bit grim,’ he admitted in a harsh whisper. ‘Your first day back-didn’t want to spoil-’
‘Shut up!’ she said. ‘Shut up, shut up! How could you have been so stupid?’
‘Just comes naturally, I guess.’
She was torn by self-condemnation. If he’d been stupid, so had she, to be fooled by the mask he presented.
‘How long have you been bad?’ she demanded fiercely.
‘A few niggles for the past few weeks.’
‘But why didn’t you say?’
‘We were having such a great time-I looked forward to your vacation-just us-no college. Didn’t want to miss it.’
‘I should have seen it this morning,’ she said bitterly. ‘But I was so full of myself-’
‘But that’s right,’ he said, grasping her wrist with a hand that felt alarmingly hot. ‘You ought to be full of yourself. It’s your turn. That’s what we said.’
‘I don’t care what we said any more,’ she told him passionately. ‘Do you think any of that matters? Jake, I lov-’
‘Kelly,’ Carl’s voice came urgently from the door. ‘They’re here.’
And suddenly the paramedics were in the room, taking over, lifting Jake onto a stretcher, hurrying him away to the waiting ambulance. And the dangerous moment was past.
She went with him to the hospital, not daring to speculate on what might have happened. She caught a brief glimpse of Dr Ainsley, but he was gone in a moment, hurrying to Jake’s side. Carl, who’d followed the ambulance, had joined her by the time Dr Ainsley returned, smiling and reassuring.
‘He’s got a massive infection. That’s not good, but it’ll be OK now I’ve pumped some antibiotics into him. What puzzles me is that he must have been feeling grim for a while and said nothing. He should have been back in here before this.’
‘Did you ask him why?’
‘Yes, but he only muttered something about Easter that I didn’t understand. He’s too fever-ridden just now to make sense. Maybe he’ll tell you later.’
‘Can I see him?’
‘Just for a minute.’
She went quietly into Jake’s room. He seemed to be asleep, so she sat beside him. Only now could she relax enough to consider Jake’s astonishing words.
