'That won't do at all,' he said. 'Far too large. Fetch a smaller uniform.'
'There's only one in there,' I said.
'Damn!' he said. 'We simply can't send her up into the house like this. She looks more like an entrant in some village sack race. Anyone will notice in an instant.'
'What shall we do?' I asked.
'I shall think,' said Holmes, puffing once more on his pipe.
'If you please, Sir?' said Megan, 'I have an idea.'
'Don't interrupt,' I said. 'Mr. Holmes is thinking.'
'Don't be rude!' she said. She turned to Holmes. 'The young gentleman is the nearest in size. He can put the dress on.'
'Certainly not!' I said, 'I shall do no such thing.' I waited, confident that Holmes would come up with a more suitable scheme.
'That is not a bad idea,' said Holmes to my horror. 'He only has to escape the close attention of the rest of the household and make his way up to the drawing room. As long as Lady M-is alone, he should be able to creep quietly in and make himself known to her without causing her any great alarm.'
'But, but,' I stuttered, feeling that events were slipping beyond my control.
'Be quick,' said Holmes. 'Help him into the dress,' he said to Megan. 'But you'll have to get rid of his own clothing first.'
Megan wriggled out of the over-large garment and, naked once more, began to undress me. I surrendered to my fate. Once again Mr. Pego rose up so that she had some difficulty in pulling my trousers down over his aroused projection. Quickly she took my balls in one hand and gave a sharp squeeze. I squealed with the pain and as Mr. Pego drooped for a moment, she had me trouserless before her. I drew in a deep breath and as I tried to regain my composure, she dropped the dress down over my head, pulling the skirts right down and smoothing it into place.
'That's it,' she said with a mocking look. 'A much better fit. Now, turn round and I'll do up the back.'
I obeyed, still preoccupied with the ache in my balls. She busied herself with the fastenings and when all was to her satisfaction, stepped back to inspect her handiwork.
'He needs a cap,' she said. 'There must be one in the cupboard to go with the dress.'
A cap was found and placed on my head.
'What do you think, Sir?' she said to Holmes.
'He'll pass muster,' he said. 'Anyway we really have no other option. At least his shoes are hidden. Now,' he said to me, 'remember to take short steps and maintain a posture of deference. Take a turn about the room while I have a look at you.'
'Let me get into my own dress again,' Megan said, 'And we'll coach him.'
I tried to walk like a woman.
'Not very good,' said Holmes. 'You'll never make a detective if you cannot master the arts of disguise. Why I remember I once had to play the part of a nursemaid for several days while solving the Case of the Kidnapped Heiress. I flatter myself that I became remarkably adept at the changing and bathing of infants, although it is not an experience I would choose to repeat. At least you only have to pass as a maid for a short while.'
I struggled manfully to perfect my impersonation.
'That will have to do,' said Holmes impatiently. 'Just try to keep out of sight until you find Lady M — .'
'Off you go,' said Megan, patting me on the bottom. 'And try not to clump as you walk.'
And so I was sent out on my errand.
As I crept towards the servants stairs, I took stock of the situation. Somewhere in the house were the two maids. Since they had fled without their uniforms, which were still in the laundry along with Holmes and Megan, they would be immediately pre-occupied with finding some alternative clothing. Also possibly in the house was the well-dressed stranger, although if he were simply in the habit of calling at the house in order to fuck the maids he had doubtless slipped out again into the evening. If on the other hand he was indeed the blackmailer's emissary, he would have sought out Lady M- in order to deliver his message. On balance, this was the more likely situation since Holmes had clearly worked out that some member of the household was in league with the blackmailer and was supplying details of who was entertained in the absence abroad of Lord M-. It was therefore safer to assume that the well-dressed man was part of the plot. I had to keep out of his sight. I had no knowledge of how many other staff might be kept apart from the two who had been surprised by Holmes. One could assume at least a cook, possibly a housekeeper, a lady's maid and a manservant. I had to take care.
I further recalled that the arrangement had been that a servant would make a signal from an upstairs window on behalf of Lady M-when the message arrived. Clearly Lady M-had one trusted confidante among her staff. Unless she had mistakenly relied on one of the two denuded maids in the basement, this was a certain argument for at least one further domestic somewhere in the house.
At the top of the stairs I looked round cautiously. All was clear. I moved into the hallway. There was no sound. At the front of the house were doors to the left and the right. One would be the drawing room in which I might hope to find Lady M-. I looked into the room on the right. It was a dining room and empty of people although a cold meal of substantial proportions was laid out on the side. I thought again.
The signs suggested that this was cook's night off. This would account for the cold cuts that had been left. At least that was one less unwelcome surprise in waiting. However the quantity of food made it plain that guests were expected. I would have to hurry. I looked into the other room. The drawing room. Then I breathed a sigh of relief. Over by the window was Lady M-. She was alone, looking thoughtfully out into the street.
I entered and coughed. Lady M- turned round.
'What is it-' she began. Then she looked more closely at me and started back.
'Who are you?' she said imperiously. 'Where is Esther?'
'Don't be alarmed, Lady M-' I said, it is I, Andrew Scott, Mr. Holmes' assistant.'
'Good God!' she said. 'You gave me a terrible start. Why on earth are you dressed like that?'
I began to explain as well as I could. However I was barely halfway through the story when to my horror a door at the far end of the room opened and there stood the well-dressed stranger. 'Ah, Dear Lady,' he said, addressing himself to Lady M-. 'I think I have found the papers that your husband asked me to collect, so my business is completed.'
He looked in my direction. Luckily he seemed not to notice anything untoward about my appearance. Then he looked back towards Lady M — , plainly waiting for her to react to his statement.
'Ah, er, Hetty,' she said to me, at the same time screwing up her face and generally making it clear to me that I would have to act out my part for the moment. 'Hetty, would you serve drinks?' Then she walked over to me and said in a low voice, 'I've no idea what is going on. The butler's pantry is at the foot of the stairs. You will have to carry out Esther's duties.'
Downstairs, no-one was to be seen and there was no time to go looking for Holmes and Megan and find out what they were doing. I returned with glasses and a decanter of what looked like sherry. Lady M-was in deep conversation with the stranger.
'Put them down over there, Hetty,' she said.
I did as I was bid and withdrew. I must own to the fact that I was becoming considerably hot and bothered. As I stood in the hall wondering what to do next, to my alarm there was a ring at the front door.
'Answer it will you, Hetty,' Lady M-called out. 'John has the evening off and Esther is busy upstairs.' At least she had managed to pass on much-needed information about the disposition of the other members of the household. Nonetheless I had been placed in the awkward position of having to cope with whoever was on the steps outside. With lowered eyes and ready to bob demurely, I opened the front door.
Two women stood there, dressed in the height of fashion.
'The Honourable Gwendolen Fairfax and Miss Cecily Cardew,' said a familiar voice. 'Lady M-is expecting us.'
I leaped backwards in surprise. Gwendolen and Cecily! Two of my dearest and most intimate friends.
'What is it, girl?' said Cecily sharply. 'You look as though you've seen a ghost.'
'It's Andrew,' I hissed, knowing that I could not escape recognition and hoping to get the surprise over with there and then without any exclamations that would draw attention to us. 'It's me-' Unfortunately I was so overcome by the surprise of our encounter that I choked and began to cough.
