neighbors and I did and I got her whiskey and I ran like he told
me to in the dark at night and I took care o f her and made her
drink it even though she was on the floor dead and the doctor
said i f not for how calm I was she would have died but I w asn’t
calm and I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I thought she was dead
and I stopped breathing. I had already lived in lots o f different
houses and you can’t act like some normal child even though
everyone wants you to be just normal and they don’t want you
to feel bad but you have to be grown up and not give them
trouble and they never know what is in your heart or what you
really think about because their children are normal to them
and you aren’t their children and their children don’t know
about dying or being alone so you have to pretend. So I was
grow n up inside and acted grow n up all the time except when
m y mother was around because she wanted to have a child, a
real child, and got angry i f I didn’t act like a child because it
upset her to think I had got grow n up without her when she
w asn’t there because she wanted to be the mother o f a real
child. When I forgot to be a child or didn’t want to be I made
her very mad at me and very unhappy and she thought I was
trying to hurt her on purpose but I w asn’t because I loved ju st
being near her, sitting near to her when she drank her coffee,
and I was so proud once when I had helped m y daddy shovel
snow and she let me drink some coffee ju st like her. I loved her
hair. I loved when she talked to me about things, not telling
me what to do but just said things to me about things not
treating me like a baby. I loved when she let me go somewhere
with her and her girlfriends. I loved even when she was sick
but not real sick and was in bed for many days or sometimes
many weeks and I was allowed to go in and visit her a little and
sit on the bed and watch television with her and we would
watch “ The $64, 000 Question, ” and we were both crazy for
Charles Van Doren because he was so cute and so intellectual
and we rooted for him and bit our lips waiting for him to
answer and held hands and held our breath. Then I had to leave
her alone because I had tired her out but I felt wonderful for
hours after, so warm and happy, because m y mother loved
me. We held hands and we sat. But I couldn’t stand the stuff
she made me do. She made me sew and knit and do stupid
things. I was supposed to count the stitches and sit still and be
quiet and keep my legs closed when I sat down and wear white
gloves and a hat when I went out in a dress. She made me close
my legs all the time and I kept trying to get her to tell me w hy I
couldn’t sit how I wanted but she said girls must not ever sit so
sloppy and bad and she got mad because I said I liked to have
m y legs open when I sat down and I always did what I wanted
even if I got punished. She said I was a relentless child. But if I
