it. I asked him if his books were dusty and he said his wife
cleaned them and he blew on them. I didn’t go to God with the
problem o f the books and the dust but I didn’t think it was fair
either. I asked my mother and she said he was my teacher and I
should listen to him but I decided not to anymore. N o w I had
another problem on my mind. Why was what the man did less
bad if I wasn’t a child? If I was a grown-up and went to the
movies and wanted to see the movie, w hy would it be less bad
if the man stopped me and if he scared me and if I had to run
away and i f he hurt me and if he made me cry and i f I didn’t
want him sitting next to me and whispering or anything. I
wanted to know if God thought it was less bad; and I hated the
adults for saying it was less bad. I wanted to know where God
was when the man was there and w hy God didn’t make the
man go away. I wanted to know if God was there too. The
Hebrew School teachers said God knows everything and can
do anything and H e’s always there, everywhere. I believed He
could do anything and knew everything but I didn’t think He
was always there because too many bad things happened and if
He was there they couldn’t ju st happen; how could they? I f I
see someone do something bad I’m not supposed to ju st
watch. M om m a says call the police or an adult. H ow could He
be in the movies with me when the man came? He w ouldn’t
even come to m y room after because He knew all about it and
felt ashamed for making such a horrible man. I knew He could
do anything and made us all so w hy did He make that man?
Was God there like the teachers kept saying and the rabbis kept
saying and did He look or was He looking somewhere else
because He could have turned to look somewhere else because
it didn’t take so long and time for God must be different and it
must have been just a small minute for Him to turn away. O r if
He had to go to India or somewhere maybe He w asn’t there. I
sort o f thought He was there but I couldn’t believe that H e’d
ju st sit and watch because that w ouldn’t be right and God has
to do things that are right. M aybe He turned aw ay but maybe
He was there. M aybe He looked. I thought He was there, I
didn’t feel alone, but I couldn’t stand to think He had ju st
looked so I stopped thinking it but the only w ay I could stop
thinking it was to think that probably God didn’t exist anyw ay
and was only a superstition and there was no God the same
w ay there were no space creatures. I lectured m yself that I was
a child and I was going to grow up even though I didn’t want
to anym ore and someday I would understand w hy it was less
bad if I w asn’t a child unless the adults were just lying, because
adults lie a lot to children I had found out. M aybe they were
lying about God too and maybe there wasn’t one. I sort o f
thought God had been there though. The theater was em pty
