secretive because no one wants to be accidentally overheard by
Jill or Paul and while Jill is staying one place, dead center in the
room, just standing there by a particularly big painting, Paul is
all over, behind people, in conversations, introducing people,
the real host, the scout leader; and he chats with me awhile too.
But I’m scared, because I know this will end and real life will
come back. I know the trick’s not to look desperate. I know
the trick’s to seem as if there’s nothing wrong; w hy the hell do
you need to sleep on someone’s floor if nothing’s wrong? I
can’t think o f any plausible reason but I figure it’s not rational
as such, you know, reasons, it’s attitude, you have to have a
kind o f calm as if it’s just normal so no one thinks they’ll have to
give you anything; or care for you. So I make m yself steady
and I think this is normal and I ain’t so scared as actually I am
and I think well Jill knows everyone here and she’s m y friend
so I’ll ask her and I take her aside, meaning just a little o ff her
mark, and I say I need a place to sleep and is there anyone here
who might put me up ju st for one night, and she says she’ll
think about it, and I smile and act as if it’s okay one w ay or
another and I drift o ff and more time passes, and I’m drinking
soda and thinking, every second thinking, m y heart beating
too fast in fear, but outside I’m calm and simple, and Jill comes
up and says, listen, I’m going home with Paul so w hy don’t
you stay at m y loft, and I say that’s great, because it is, and I am
fucking happy, I think even it will be nice, it’s a big place, it’s
sort o f dark but it’s fine, you know, with a bed on a kind o f
platform, a mattress really, and it’s really nice, you know, so
I’m at ease, I mean I am really happy, and I pour m yself a stiff
drink, a real fine drink, and I’m chatting aw ay like a real
person, you know, I can’t emphasize enough how m y heart
slows down and how m y blood stops racing and how inside
m y head calms down and I’m just a person, not so shiny as the
others but not scared no more, more like a happy girl o f the
regular kind, and then, once the adrenaline has subsided
altogether, I feel how tired I am, I feel how it’s worn me out, I
feel how cold I got and how I’m just dragged out and
enervated, weary, and it’s midnight by now , I been at the
opening a long time, and I think it’s decent to leave, so I go to
Jill, and she and Paul are holding hands and they are looking
happy and I am glad there’s a truce and I ask if I could go to her
loft now , and she’s upset or confused or something, and m y
heart sinks, but he says, look, I’m going to stay at Jill’s loft
with her, it’s ju st easier, so w hy don’t you go to m y place, it’s
empty, there’s no problem, I’ll give you the keys, okay? I say
things like I don’t want to put you out and arc you sure it’s
okay and he says what is obvious, I ain’t putting him out
because it’s a big night for Jill and he’s staying with her at her
