anything because you are stupid or crazy and so you don’t
know how to say what happened and you say he kept saying
just let me. . . . and I tried to get away and he followed me
and he. . . . followed me and he. . . . and then they say,
thank God nothing happened. So you try to make them
understand that yes something did happen honest you aren’t
lying and you say it again, strained, thicklipped from biting
your lips, your chest swollen from heartbreak, your eyes
swollen from tears all salt and bitter, holding your legs funny
but you don’t want them to see and you keep pretending to be
normal and you want to act adult and you can barely breathe
from crying and you say yes something did happen and you
try to say things right because adults are so strange and so
stupid and you don’t know the right words but you try so hard
and you say exactly how the man sat down and put his arm
around you and started talking to you and you told him to go
away but he kept holding you and kissing you and talking to
you in a funny whisper and he put his hands in your legs and he
kept rubbing you and he had a really deep voice and he
whispered in your ear in this funny, deep voice and he kept
saying just to let him. . . . but you couldn’t understand what
he said because maybe he was mumbling or maybe he couldn’t
talk English so you can’t tell them what he said and you say
maybe he was a foreigner because you don’t know what he
said and he talked funny and you tried to get away but he
followed you and then you ran and you didn’t scream or cry
until you found your m omma because he might hear you and
find you so you were quiet even though you were shaking and
you ran and then they say thank God nothing happened and
you don’t know w hy they think you are lying because you are
trying to tell them everything that happened ju st the right w ay
and i f you are a stubborn child, a strong-willed child, you say
the almost-ten-year-old version o f fuck you something happened all right the fuck put his hands in m y legs and rubbed me
all over; m y legs;
and he rubbed me; his arm was around m y shoulder, rubbing,
and his mouth was on m y neck, rubbing, and his hand was
under m y shirt, rubbing, and his hand was in m y pants,
rubbing, and he kept saying ju st let me. . . . and it was a
creepy whisper in some funny language and he was saying
sounds I didn’t understand and then they say the child is
hysterical, something must have happened, the child is
hysterical; and they want to know i f anything came inside or
was outside and you don’t want to tell them that he took your
hand and put it somewhere wet on him in his lap in the dark
and your hand touched something all funny and your hand got
all cold and slim y and they say thank God nothing happened;
and they ask i f something went inside but when you ask inside
