Beautifully Awake

into his pockets.

“You lived through the unthinkable and you’re nothing but pure sweet. You’re everything I’m not. I had to leave you, Lili.”

He reopened his eyes and the compassion and almost love I thought I saw vanished. Blank. What the fuck did I miss? His demeanor changed in a blink.

“I don’t know what you mean, Chase,” I snapped with confusion, wrinkling my brow.

“I’m not good enough for you, baby.” His voice was lamenting. My breath seized and tears welled in my eyes. “I’m just going to disappoint you over and over again. Just like this past week. I can’t make you happy forever. Trust me, if I thought for just a fucking millisecond that I could, I would die trying.” A single silent tear wet his face.

A chill passed through me. The trembling was involuntary.

“Chase, what are you doing? What are you saying?” I cried. “You aren’t making any sense.” I ran my hands along his cheeks, searching for the Chase from two minutes ago. Please. Where was he? “I ... I trust you, I trust you with everything. Every part of my being.” I wanted so much to say I love you that it hurt. But I didn’t. “You make me so happy.”

The moisture built in his eyes while mine poured. Silence. His strong hands palmed my cheeks and he brushed his lips against mine, soft and gentle, soothing and comforting. A goodbye kiss.

He stepped back, slowly capturing my watering eyes. “I can’t, Lili. I can’t be with you. I need you to leave.”

His words ripped my heart out of my chest. I was speechless. A rewind. I needed a rewind. No way he meant what he was saying. I knew he felt it. There was something else, something he wasn’t telling me. My gut was screaming it.

“I’ll call Pete, he will take you home.”

Desperate for him to hear me, really hear me, I lashed out. “No. No. Why are you doing this? We fit together and you know it. If you would just trust me, tell me your secrets. Truth, Chase. Please. Truth.”

But he said nothing. He didn’t think we were worth it. The storm inside me kept brewing.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” I screamed.

“I’m sorry, Lili. You should go.” Monotone and devoid of emotion, he repeated himself. Nothing more.

I wanted to slap some sense into him. I was back to swapping between anguish and fury. My tears abruptly stopped. I was pissed. “I’m not your sweet anymore, not as pure as you thought. Maybe you can find solace in your new case manager, the two of you looked awfully cozy this afternoon,” I hissed. “You know what, Chase? Fuck you!” I grabbed my bag and fled his apartment.

I stood in the pouring rain outside the Franklin Towers. The cool water dripping down my face and body did little to tame the flames radiating from my body. I hated the rain.

His black town car pulled to the curb. I hadn’t intended on getting in. Pete jumped out to open the back car door. “Ms. Porter, Dr. Colton insisted I find you and take you home.”

“I’m sure he did,” I hissed under my breath. I slid inside and slunk back into the seat.

“I assume you want to go home?”

“Can you take me to Walnut and Rittenhouse Square, please?” The clock on the dashboard read a little before ten.

“Sure thing.”

I needed Sierra. I had no one else. I sent her a quick text saying I was on my way over. Her response was instantaneous, of course.

That’s why you have a key, asspuck :)

I quietly snuck inside as she rounded the corner.

“Holy shit, Lil. You look like a drowned rat ... what the hell happened to you?”

I shook my head, unable to speak. My lips quivered.

“What the hell? You’re shaking, let me get you a towel and some new clothes.” She disappeared into the laundry room, returning with several towels, a t-shirt and pair of sweats. I was chilled to the bone, trembling uncontrollably. “What the fuck is going on, why are you drenched?” I draped the towel around my shoulders, rubbing my arms to warm my flesh. “Lili, go change ... when you’re done you better start talking, otherwise I’m about a minute away from calling that Dr. Fucker myself.”

I padded down the hall and slipped into Sierra’s dry clothes and returned to curl into a ball on her cozy couch. Sierra had tea waiting for me.

“He broke up with me tonight, told me he wasn’t good enough for me. He said he couldn’t make me happy.” I was oddly calm when I spoke.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” Sierra, not as calm, plopped down next to me. “He broke up with you because of your past? You’re shitting me. He’s right, he isn’t fucking good enough for you.”

“No, Sier. He’s hiding something, he’s not telling me something—I saw it in his eyes tonight. Something I’ve never seen before. He’s scared.” But of what?

“I don’t get it. Why won’t he talk to you?”

“I don’t know! I’m so fucking furious with him. I’m seriously tittering on the edge of insanity. I love that fucked up man so much it hurts.” There it was. I said it. I loved him.

“Oh, sweetie.” Sierra hugged me. “I still want to mutilate that fucker for hurting you.” She sat back. “What are you gonna do?”

“Give him some time, give me some time. Our relationship is NOT ending like this. The last month has literally been the best of my life. Ever. He went from a stranger to someone I can’t stop thinking about overnight. I’m not going to throw that away without some type of explanation.” Somehow I would get him to open up to me. I got up from the couch and started to pace. “It’s bull, Sier. I finally trusted someone again, opened up to someone. I thought I would never ever do that again. I’ll be damned if what we shared was for nothing. We’re amazing together and it’s not just the sex.” Sierra smirked. “Okay. Yes, of course the sex is amazing, but it’s more, way more. We just work together. We fit. It’s like nothing I have ever known.”

“Lil, he’s got to come around ... he’s not gonna give up that easily. That man is head over heels for you.”

“But what if he doesn’t? What if he doesn’t come find me? What if that was it? What if it’s over for real and his new case manager can keep him company?”

“What?”

“Oh yeah, he has a new me this month, and they looked pretty comfortable with each other this afternoon.”

“You can’t believe that shit, Lil. If your connection is as fucking nuclear as you say it is, there is no way in hell he’s going to give that up and cheat on you. Listen to me, if he does he’s a fucking fool and you don’t want him anyway. You will be fine. You hear me? You will be fine. You are strong—the strongest person I know—and we’ll get through it together.”

“I don’t want it to be over,” I choked. Sierra grabbed my hand.

“Let’s not jump to any insane conclusions yet.” Sierra raised her eyebrows a little. “I’m gonna rally the troops for a night out, you need a distraction. Take your mind off of it for a couple of hours. When is this watermelon coming out?”

“Don’t talk about your daughter like that.”

“Whatever, you would think I was a raging alcoholic, but damn … a night out drinking and dancing sounds great.”

I chuckled. “Typical, Asspuck. Always something sassy to make me smile.” I sounded like Chase commenting on my mouth. God, I missed him.

18 Rain