Beautifully Awake

streams mixed with mascara to stain my face. So much for holding it together. I stopped at a red light and glanced in the rearview mirror. Chase was following me. His headlights reflected in my rearview mirror, but I saw the fire in his eyes.

“Calm down, Lil.” Now he had me talking to myself.

Luckily there was a parking spot right in front of my apartment. I parallel parked while Chase swerved two cars ahead in front of the fire hydrant.

“Have you lost your fucking mind?” He sprung from his car, slamming his car door so hard I thought the glass was going to shatter into a million pieces. Holy shit.

He aggressively flung my door open to help me out. My insides were on fire. His trembling hands gently caressed my face, wiping my stained cheeks. The look in his grey eyes seared my soul. It was a look I never wanted to see again. Ever. It was ... fear.

He clenched his eyelids closed and pressed his damp forehead against mine. His breathing was labored and I felt his heart beating out of his chest. He chanted to himself, just above a whisper, “Fuck ... fuck ... fuck.”

I stood there. Still. My pulse beating in time with his, giving him the pause he needed. The night air was heavy and humid; it was going to rain at any second.

Rain again. I hated the rain. Especially night storms. The sounds, the smell, the crackling in the air—it all reminded me of that night in my bedroom. The rain pelted so hard against the windows it drowned out the sound of fuck-face’s boots coming up the squeaky stairs. Unfortunately, it wasn’t loud enough to drown out the satisfied noises he made when he pinned my face against my desk and forced himself on me from behind. The rain pouring down in sheets had curtained the windows. All I saw when I had no more fight and my body went limp was a blurry prism of color from an outside light. I hated night storms.

A cold raindrop hit my shoulder. One must have hit Chase too, or he felt me shiver, because he suddenly stopped chanting and removed his head from mine.

“Why would you do that?” His voice was low and gravelly, the anger clearly audible.

I stepped back, needing to put some space between us. It was impossible to think clearly when consumed by his intoxicating smell. I was still mad. Did he really think I would drink and drive?

“I’m not drunk, Chase.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Don’t lie to me, Blue. I saw you fucking fall in the parking lot!” He raked his hands through his hair like a crazy man and let out a growl. A fucking growl. Then he squatted down, taking in deep breaths. I suddenly felt awful for whoever had been in the ring with Chase the past few weeks. But he didn’t scare me. I knew he would never hurt me like that. Instead I was scared for him.

“I’m not lying!” I screamed. “That’s your MO, remember? I had two sips of a margarita.” I was still angry as all hell, but seeing him like this killed me more. He lifted his head and we connected. I knew he believed me, but his confusion still resonated. “You try walking in these freaking things!” In my fury, I kicked my foot out to gesture my ridiculously expensive heel. The sexy Jimmy Choo went flying and missed Chase’s face by a millimeter. Shit. My mouth dropped open. Flying shoes didn’t really help my I swear I’m really sober argument.

Chase grabbed my shoe and stood straight up. He closed the short distance between us and handed me my shoe. “Why would you let me believe you were drunk? Why didn’t you just say so in the parking lot? Do you have any idea?”

I was getting really tired of him saying that. “NO! I have no fucking idea about anything. Because you don’t tell me anything!” I pushed hard against his chest. He didn’t budge. I felt like my neck veins were going to explode. I guess I could rest assured that I didn’t have a brain aneurysm because I was pretty sure my blood pressure at that moment would have ruptured it. Rain started to fall. Hard, big drops.

“I lost my twin sister because of a drunk driver.”

I held my breath.

“She was pissed off at me. She made the stupidest decision of her life and got in the car with a drunk eighteen-year-old who thought he was invincible.” His body went rigid as the rain fell harder. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. “Blue, I swear, when you got in that car. All I could think about was losing the most important person in my life again.”

He swiped at the rain falling against his face. I hated the pain I saw in his eyes. Memories came flooding— all the times Chase commented about drinking and driving, Pete always driving us home after every outing with alcohol (no matter how little), Chase’s overreaction the night at Rosa’s when I said Guy would drive me home. Asher never told me what happened to his sister, but how did I not put two and two together?

Letting out my breath, I cupped his wet face this time. “Hey, I’m right here, I’m fine. Oh Chase, I had no idea about your sister. I’m so sorry. I should have never let you think I was drunk. I was ... just mad and hurt and confused.”

He was distant; his eyes were empty. He broke our connection and paced back and forth. The rain was pouring down his face.

“Aaaahhh!” he shouted up toward the sky. “That night...” He dropped down to a squat and raked his hands through his wet hair again. His elbows rested on his knees as he gripped his forehead. “It was just so fucking stupid. I was so selfish. All I was thinking about was my goddamn self. I should have been watching out for my sister. FUUUCK!”

I dropped down in front of him on my already scraped knees. “Chase, look at me.” I removed his clenched fists from his forehead and made him look at me. Again I saw nothing.

“Goddammit, Chase, fucking look at me.” I needed him to return to this moment.

He blinked several times, and then I saw guilt, regret, and sadness roll through him. As mad as I was, he needed my comfort.

“You were young, Chase. She was young, and people make decisions that can change lives forever. It wasn’t your fault your sister got into that car.” I went into social worker mode. “You can blame yourself all you want, but it was never your fault. You said you should’ve been there for her, but you know what? She might have gotten into that car anyway. It wasn’t your decision to make … it was hers. You lost your sister, your twin. To lose someone you love—that deeply alters your life forever. I realize the pain never stops. Not ever. And the gap in your heart never closes, but it’s okay. That hole in your heart is a shape that no one else will ever fit. You don’t want them to. It’s the place where you can reminiscence and cherish your happy memories.”

The tears began somewhere in the middle of me talking. Chase sat on the ground and pulled me onto his lap. He gripped me so tight and buried his head in my chest so deep, while a sob tore through his body. His warm tears soaked my already wet body. I stroked his hair and clung to his back as I tried to calm him with my gentle words. We sat like that, holding each other for a long time. Nothing but the rain filled the air.

Finally he broke the silence and simply said, “I need you, baby.”

And all I wanted was to give him what he needed. I knew we had a lot more to talk about, but in that moment I needed him just as much. Our mouths collided with such a hungry desperation. Groaning in unison. Like this was the last kiss we might ever share. I stroked and sucked on his tongue, straddling my legs around his waist. My hands tugged on his drenched silky strands, drawing him closer. I couldn’t get him close enough. His hands greedily roamed my slick wet body, running up my legs and thighs, gripping my butt and drawing me into his straining erection. With too much fabric separating us, I released his hair and clawed at his soaked shirt.

“Oh Chase, please, I need you too, so bad.”

In one swoop he lifted me from the ground, and I instinctively encircled my legs around his waist. He strode directly for the small alleyway separating my building from the next. I moaned as my back slammed against the cold wet brick. In moments my lace thong was in shreds, and I felt his warm tip at my entrance. This man had the power to consume me, complete me and melt away everything surrounding us. He thrust inside me, fulfilling my weeks’ long emptiness.

“Chase, you feel so good.” I arched and cried out in pure and utter ecstasy as he settled into a deliciously wicked pace. He was lost inside me. He abandoned his control and gave himself over to me. To us. And I loved that I did this to him. I loved every second of it.

“Oh shit, baby...” He hesitated and slowed his pace, with a look of concern in his eyes. “Am I hurting you? Shit.”

“No, please don’t stop, I need this,” I pleaded. “I need you to take me hard, please, fuck me.”