Beautifully Awake

interviewed was an old school neurologist, and he offered to mentor my research on the spot. So I was able to get started right away. But my parents didn’t want me to waste my trust fund money financing research, so I had to wait until I turned twenty-one to really get it rolling.” He looked down and shook his head. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He couldn’t save the one person that mattered most to him in the world.

“Look at me, Chase.” His eyes were so heavy and sad it crushed me. It was hard to breathe. “You’re doing everything you can, everything but forgiving yourself for something that was never your fault. You think your sister would want you to feel like this, live like this? You can’t heal until you forgive yourself. Let me help you.”

His eyes welled. My damaged, heartbroken man was really finally letting me in. He was trusting me. He pulled me tight to his chest. Our hearts and breathing synced, I waited.

“Will you come somewhere with me? I need to go to Boston. Soon.”

“I have Sierra’s baby shower in Cape Cod this weekend, come with me. Then we can stop in Boston on the way back.” I ran my hands up and down his chiseled arms.

“Baby, you have no idea how much that would mean to me. Thank you.” He kissed me so tenderly I moaned at the loss of his lips. He glanced down at his watch. “Fuck, I have a case in thirty minutes, I need to go.” Both of us still such an emotional mess I didn’t want him to go.

“I know I fucked up, Blue, but I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try not to hurt you again.” I watched his shoulders slightly relax, like part of the heavy weight had been lifted. Something shuddered inside me. I repeated his words, I’m gonna try not to hurt you again. The relief from moments ago was gone. Somehow during my last breath I was more agitated. I stared at him, and like always, his eyes were his story. There was something else. My gut told me there was another part to that weight.

20 Color

“You’re here.” Sierra threw her arms around my neck. “See, baby girl? Aunt Lili wouldn’t miss your party.” Sierra rubbed her belly.

I rolled my eyes. “Like I would ever, drama.”

“Well, I didn’t know if Chase was going to steal you and fly you into the sunset.” She was actually dead serious.

I had not expected her to be over our conversation this morning. At an ungodly hour, I pounded my semi- cold latte for any type of liquid courage. I knew she was going to freaking kill me. I knew she was only protecting me. She had watched me suffer; she saw when I was empty. She was the only reason I kept going. So I knew she wasn’t going to be happy when I didn’t leave with her and Dodd on the Acela train at nine in the morning. The train she insisted on. Sierra, being Sierra, had crazy visions of delivering mid-air and some nonsense about her daughter and statelessness. She was way too nervous to fly. And the rest of the crew was flying to Providence around noon, renting a car and driving the last hour or so to beat the Friday night traffic. I wasn’t going to do either. I couldn’t leave Chase after our emotional morning. I didn’t want to. So he picked me up at one with sushi take-out. Pete whisked us to the airport for our very quiet one hour and eight minute flight into Providence. Both of us too drained for much talking, it gave me a lot of time to think. The lyrics to Daylight flashed back to mind. What if this was my last glance and soon it would all be a memory? I wanted to slow it down. I needed to pause. I needed some time to process my feelings, his feelings and how our screwed up lives could mesh. Once we landed at four I knew the Route 6 Cape Cod traffic was inevitable. Chase continued to insist we would arrive by dinner. Well, after our forty-minute helicopter ride, he was right. His exact words had been: “Baby, I can’t change the traffic pattern, but we can fly over it.” Now, why didn’t I think of that?

“You, stop it.” I pulled her aside. “Are you mad at me? I hope not because I love you and I love him and I really, really want you to love each other. Please give him another chance,” I whispered, wondering to myself if my heart could give him another chance. I hadn’t told her much from the morning, just that Chase was working through something from years ago. Shockingly, she hadn’t pushed me on it and I was appreciative.

“Holy shit! How’d you not tell me you told him you loved him?” she hissed.

“Shhh. I haven’t. I’ve only told myself ... and you. I don’t know if we’re ready for that yet.” I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.

“Fine. I’ll try.” Moisture glistened behind her lids. Sierra NEVER cried. “You look so beautiful, Lil, I’m so happy for you.” After the day I had, hell, after the week I had, I was exhausted. Beautiful was a definite stretch, but I smiled at her anyway.

“Damn this baby and my damn hormones.” I smirked. How could I not? Sierra was a hormonal hot mess. “Get the fuck away from me, please, before I lose it. Go get you and Dr. Personality some bubbly.” She pushed me toward the bar. “I ordered the yummy one you suggested,” she said blinking away her unshed tears to give me a sly smile.

“You’re bat-shit crazy, you know that, right?” I walked back, kissed her cheek and rubbed my niece. “But I love you.”

“Get your Asspuck ass away from me now.”

I laughed for the first time all day.

Chase stood at the bar alone. The hospital gang was stunned, to say the least, when we walked through the door together. You could have heard a pin drop. After a few awkward hellos and a “hey boss,” Leanne broke the tense silence and suggested a stroll down to the water. Jackson seemed the least fazed by Chase’s surprise arrival and probably would have stayed behind to talk shop and grab a drink, but it was obvious wherever Leanne was going, Jackson was going. They were turning out to be a cute couple. I totally called that one. Kate and the other two nurses Sierra had grown fond of during ladies’ nights at Rosa’s, conveniently decided they wanted a better look at the beach as well. I couldn’t blame them. Not for nothing, they were on a mini-vacation. Who wanted to hang out with the boss? A boss who had a tendency to run hot and cold. And, as of late, all hot. Kate had given me her feeble attempt at eye daggers before walking off, quietly whispering in my ear, “You go, girl!”

Standing there drawing on his beer, he was breathtaking. I wanted him to be all mine, but I was hesitating. He was right. He worked at crumbling my wall, but that protective barrier was back, surrounding me. I leaned against the bar.

“Hi, baby.” He kissed my temple and handed me a glass of champagne “You tired?”

“Mm-hmm,” I moaned. “Think I’m going to finish my champagne and then head up, I’m really tired.” I was circling, spinning, twirling around that empty dark hole I knew so well. My brain and my heart were once again facing off. I wasn’t sure what I felt. But I knew I wanted him to stay and give me something to hold on to. I never wanted to see the bottom of that hole again.

“Okay, baby, whatever you want to do.” He looked down at me with a soft melancholic smile. “Sierra has good taste in champagne.”

I smiled at him. “I’m gonna head over there and say hi to some of the girls, if you want to go to the room now I don’t mind.”

“I’m okay, baby, I’ll wait for you.”

The Wychmere Beach Club was gorgeous. And our suite had a breathtaking view of the Nantucket Sound. The resort was situated just so, allowing the ocean to lap up on two sides. I stopped at the open French doors and stared out into the blackness. The repetitive crash of the gentle waves hitting the shore was the most peaceful sound in the world. It had more soothing power than Xanax and Zoloft combined. I should know. After my miscarriage, when it was clear that staying in Wrangel was not an option and before I had a chance to work out the logistics of moving to Philly, I retreated to this very beach. Sierra’s family owned a house a mile down the road. Their place, and more importantly, this beach was my safe haven. Just like I did now, I would clench my eyes shut and pace my breathing to the beat of the soft whoosh of the waves. I thought of nothing. Felt nothing. I barely recognized that debased heartbroken girl anymore. But what had I replaced her with? An unsettling pit formed in my stomach.

Chase was on the balcony with a bottled beer, waiting for me. He looked relaxed sitting in a wooden