Adirondack chair, with his feet crossed against the balcony railing. His white shirt that fit across his muscular chest perfectly was now unbuttoned and hanging wide open, exposing his perfectly sculpted abdomen. He was still wearing his grey slacks that hung low on his hips, but he was barefoot. I’d been in awe of his body since the day he unknowingly ripped his bloody scrub shirt off in front of me. I would have been blind to not be enamored by his physique; it was the perfect blend of a jacked NHL forward and a Calvin Klein underwear model. Staring out at him now, after he bared his soul to me earlier today, I was sad to think of the steep price Chase paid for that chiseled perfection—years of intense physical training, trying to literally fight the demons that haunted him. All of a sudden his need to step into a ring and fight made sense. How else could you exorcise the vision of your defenseless twin sister getting brutally defiled from your memory? It was his escape. Was it all that different from my need to run?
A soft breeze bathed my face, bringing me back to the moment. I knew I should step out onto the balcony … that Chase was waiting. But I had no energy left. I wanted to sit on his lap and let myself mold into his warm embrace. I wanted to let him know how much his being here with me meant. How much his trusting me with his demons meant. How much
“No. No. Fuck, stop!” The shrill shouting in the background of my dream scared the crap out of me. My heart hit my throat. I jumped straight up. I was wide awake. It was Chase; he was thrashing around the bed. Sweat was dripping from his brow. His t-shirt was soaked.
“Chase!” He was still asleep. Dreaming. His lids were closed, but I could see his eyes pinballing back and forth. “Chase!” I shook his shoulder a little harder. He was ice cold and clammy. “You’re dreaming, baby, please wake up, please wake up. Chase, you’re dreaming.” I couldn’t wake him up.
He continued to shout, “No, no … stop.”
I ran to the bathroom and soaked a washcloth with cold water. I wiped his forehead and shook him hard. “Chase, please, you’re scaring me, please wake up.” His eyes flipped open, and I watched his body continue to tremble from head to toe.
“Fuck.” He looked terrified. His eyes were so wide I thought they might pop out. “Blue.”
“I’m right here, Chase,” my voice cracked.
“Fuck, I scared you.”
He had. I was trembling. He reached for me and I instinctively backed away slightly. I needed a minute, or maybe an hour, or a day, or a year, or maybe a lifetime. Confusion pummeled through me like a two-ton truck. Was I the cause of all of his demons resurfacing? We had slept together so many times and never had he had a dream like this. Maybe the combination of everything we both suffered through was not going to work.
“Um ... I’m ... um ... I’m just gonna go for a run,” I stuttered, climbing off the bed. I fumbled in the dim light for my sports bra and shorts, slipped on my sneakers and left.
“Lili, please, baby, come back.” I heard his voice from the other side of the door. It was tense, he was pleading.
I hit the beach and started running. I wasn’t even sure what time it was, but it had to be very early. The sun was just coming up over the horizon. The pink and yellow hues should have been beautiful, but all I saw was grey. Every shade of grey flashed before my eyes. The looming black hole in sight. I couldn’t go back there. I couldn’t go back to a world of no color. Chase gave me color and I wanted to keep it that way. What was I running from?
Sweat beaded at the nape of my neck and dripped down my back. I ran harder and faster. The spray from the crashing ocean waves was not cooling my inferno. My calves were beginning to cramp from gripping the uneven sand, and my lungs were burning. I didn’t care. I pushed through the pain. If pain was what I needed to feel, so be it. I never wanted numb and empty again.
Those weeks after I was raped, hell, the years after I was raped … hell, up until a mere six weeks ago, I felt nothing. And I hated it. And now after finding someone worth loving and knowing what it felt like to be loved, or so I hoped, I was questioning it. I thought back to a book my dad read to me as a kid ... sometimes when you love something so much you have to let it free. Was that what I needed to do? Maybe I couldn’t handle Chase and the nightmare that had him thrashing around in a cold sweat? Or was it that I couldn’t handle that I just might be the reason for his nightmare? I feared our combined heartaches were just too much. I clutched my sides as a sharp stabbing pain shook me. Was love supposed to have this much turmoil?
The resort was a mere speck in the far distance when I finally stopped running and laid my back in the sand. My calf felt like a pit bull had gnawed through my muscle. I attempted to massage the tightening knot, while gasping to expand my burning lungs. What the fuck was I doing? I finally loved someone for the first time in my life and I was running away like I had for the past three years. What was I so afraid of?
A muffled voice came from the distance. I would know that voice anywhere. “Fuck, Blue. Are you training for a marathon?”
He came for me.
How long was I gone? No doubt my body was going to be pissed tomorrow after the damage I just inflicted upon myself. The sun was up now, and at the sound of his voice, the reds and yellows bounced around under my lids. I took a deep soothing breath. He really was my color. How could I not fight for us? Yes, I was scared. But scared was something, a feeling. Scared was better than feeling nothing.
“Baby, you ran for-fucking-ever.” He was getting closer. “You scared the hell out of me, I could barely see you. Those damn rock jettings were in the way.” He collapsed next to me, immediately pulling me against his chest. His heart was pounding as fast as mine. “You’re crying?”
I forgot I was crying. But it was okay, because my mind was a tornado swirling with emotions. Emotions he was responsible for bringing back to me.
His breath was forced and ragged from running. “Fuck. Don’t do this, baby, please. I need you. Don’t shut down, not now. Talk to me. Fuck, Lili, look at me.” His heart slammed against his drenched chest. “Tell me what I need to do.”
I sat up and opened my eyes, squinting against the sun, wishing it were that simple. His disheveled wet hair looked almost black against his perfectly tanned skin. His bare rippled chest reflected the sun, accentuating the dark ink down his taut ribcage. His eyes were wide open. The intense softness behind them told me without a doubt, this man would never intentionally harm me. Guilt rippled through me when I remembered how I withdrew when he asked if he scared me. I wished I could take that back, erase that part of the scene.
Chase ran his warm fingers under my puffy lids, wiping away the last of my tears. His touch calmed me from the inside out. Our eyes locked, and suddenly, the last thing I ever wanted to do again was run. I had been running away for three years. Shit, I’d been
“I don’t want to run anymore, I’m just so tired of
“I want you to be my constant. When I open my eyes in the morning I never ever want to wonder where you are, if you ran away from us. The thought that I was the reason for your nightmare this morning scared the shit out of me. You’ve been through so much, and I’m so scared that our combined heartaches are just going to be too much.”
“Baby…”
I hushed him because he needed to hear me out.
“Until I met you, Chase, I was drifting in a sea of nothing. I walked around in a world of grey. I literally built a shield, blocking out every penetrable emotion. I didn’t let anything through. And then you came along and crumbled my wall.”
“Baby, first of all, you did not cause my nightmare. I’ve had them for years, but less frequently lately. They’re the reason I never slept with a woman ... before you.” My eyes widened. Confused. “Not that you want to hear this and not that I’m proud of it, but I’ve never been one to share my bed, uh-um, after ... until I met you.
