Beautifully Awake

with the decision. I was keeping the pregnancy. It was my baby—conceived from a nightmare, but still my baby. I wasn’t going to hold the sins of a worthless man against an innocent child. That’s why I pressed charges, even though I knew I couldn’t win. But I needed to try. To do anything to make sure that bastard could never come near us, never have any claim to my baby.” I angled myself closer to him and watched the questions scroll across his eyes.

“I’m not judging. Fuck knows I’m in no place to judge anyone. But why did you wait to press charges? Why’d you think you would lose?”

“I’m a social worker, for god’s sake. I know how the system works. There was no physical evidence. I screwed up. I was in shock and humiliated. All I wanted to do was forget, block out the world. I showered for so long that night, the water was colder than this ocean.” I kicked at the wave rolling over my toes. “I knew better, but I did it anyway. I literally scrubbed the evidence away. On top of that, I stupidly forgot to lock the front door that night. No forced entry. It was my word against his. No witnesses. Everyone knew he was my ex, who I had willingly been intimate with for years. And after the little scene he made the night before in the bar, making it look like he broke up with me ... it would have taken a defense attorney all of two seconds to establish reasonable doubt. Hell, you were there. You saw the faces of those jurors in court that day. They all believed I cried rape.”

“I didn’t.” The words rolled off his tongue without hesitation, while his eyes told me he meant it. He believed me.

“When I found out I was pregnant, I knew I had to do the right thing. Not for me, but for my child. Even if the charges got dismissed, even if it made me look like the bitter knocked-up ex-girlfriend lashing out at the guy who dumped me. Even if he followed through with his threat to sue me for defamation of character. I needed the truth on record. My baby needed the truth on record. But when I miscarried ... everything changed. Everyone’s body language screamed you lucked out; you dodged a bullet. But it didn’t feel that way, not to me. When I got back from the hospital that night, fuck-face’s cousin showed up at my house and rudely reminded me how weak my case was, especially since fuck-face had a credible alibi—him. He promised to not sue for defamation if I dropped the charges. As much as I hated him, deep down I didn’t believe he would ever be a risk to another woman, and my own desire for justice was not worth bankrupting my father. My dad would have spent every last dime defending my honor if they wound up suing me. I would never do that to him. I dropped the charges the next day.”

“Fuck, Blue. It kills me to think of what you had to go through.” Chase softly held my cheek. I pressed my face harder against his palm in response.

“Thanks.” Thank you for looking at me like you are, right this second.

“I’ve always known you were strong. You’re pure steel, baby. I’m in awe of you.”

“I think ... I kind of like pure sweet better.” I quietly chuckled. Because this man did that for me.

We stared into each other’s eyes for at least a minute. A minute was amazingly long. Our connection had the fine hair on my arms standing. I knew he would gladly take on the burden of my memories if he could, adding to what he already carried on his broad shoulders. To give me peace. Because that’s what you did when you cared for someone. When you loved someone.

But those were not the words Chase spoke when his lips parted. Instead he said what I never had the courage to admit to anyone. Not even myself. “You loved your baby. Don’t be ashamed to admit it. You put your unborn child’s needs ahead of your own grief. That’s what a real mother does. You’re going to be a wonderful mama, Blue. You ... are amazing. You’re everything I’m-” Chase looked back down at the at the sand. He never finished that sentence, but my gut told me it was more about him than me.

His words repeatedly crashed over me, much like the waves now crashed closer to our bare feet. I’m gonna be a mama one day, I can only hope. The tide began to change.

I lifted Chase’s chin to look at me, like he had done to me a million times before.

“Thank you for saying that. Do you have any idea what your understanding means to me?” I used his words. “But there’s something you’re not telling me.” I paused. “Truth?”

Chase deserved to feel a little lighter. To drop some more of the weight. He’d just allowed me this; I wanted to do the same for him.

“Trust me, Chase. Please ... truth.”

“I don’t deserve your trust, Blue. I don’t deserve you.” His vulnerable words stunned me, but I was not letting him run away again ... not from this conversation ... not from me … not from us.

“Don’t you dare.” I used more of his words. They were my weapon until he saw the man I saw. “Stop putting me on a damn pedestal. I do trust you. I need you. Why can’t you see that?” I kicked the sand. I needed him to realize how much I trusted him. Why couldn’t he see it?

“Because I’m a selfish fuck-face, too.”

What? That was so far from the truth. I didn’t believe it for one second.

I grabbed his shoulder and turned him to face me. “No. You. Are. Not.” There wasn’t a question in my mind. Not possible.

“Stop, baby. Listen to me. No. I’d never rape a woman. Not like that sick fuck, but I’m far from a fucking saint. The night of the accident, when I was too busy getting laid, I was also too goddamn selfish to stop when I didn’t have a condom.” My stomach sank. “I convinced Talia it’d be okay, I’d take care of it, I’d pull out. Because a fucking horny drunk eighteen-year-old, who happened to get lucky a handful of times, had any control over shooting his load. I was such a selfish fuck.” Now he kicked the sand, disgust in his eyes. “Fuck. She was Kimi’s best friend—hell, she was one of my best friends. And you want to know how I took care of it? The man you trust? When she came bawling her eyes out to me a month later, scared shitless because she was pregnant ... how I took care of her? I tossed her a few hundred bucks and told her to get rid of it.”

My eyes widened and the sick feeling in my stomach began to rise. All I pictured was a scared shitless kid who just lost his sister and now had to deal with another sad mistake.

A mistake. Why couldn’t he see that?

“Hell, I even had the balls to be pissed at her. Told her I couldn’t believe she didn’t just handle it herself, that she had the fucking nerve to put this on my plate after everything my family was going through with Kimi. The girl was fucking terrified ... terrified, Blue. Damn, she lost her best friend too, and worse, fuck—she told me she was in love with me. Instead of stepping up and supporting her to make her own decision, I used her feelings for me. Told her if she really loved me, she would get an abortion and never bring it up again. Fuck.” He forcefully raked his hands through his unruly hair. “I didn’t even go with her. I never even saw her again after that conversation.” He pulled his knees up and tucked his head between his legs. I saw the weight on his shoulders. “I took her choice away. That makes me no better than selfish fuck-face.”

His guilt on so many levels all made sense. Even Asher’s response, after I went all filter-less and spewed about my unplanned pregnancy, made sense now. He told you? Our fucked up pasts shared so many commonalities, no wonder Chase feared our relationship. That we were unhealthy. I was the reminder of everyone he felt he failed all those years ago. Hell, he went as far as to parallel himself to a rapist. But he was the furthest thing from a selfish fuck-face. He was just a kid who had to live through some really shitty, sad and unfortunate events. And spent a lifetime beating himself up, literally, trying to make up for what was out of his control.

I straddled over Chase’s legs to face him. My hands rested on the sides of his abdomen. Over the characters that sent a chill down my spine. First do no harm. His reasoning replayed in my head— it’s a reminder.

“You are nothing like that bastard. Do you hear me? You are a lot of things ... generous and sweet, sexy and playful. You are intense and bossy, possessive and jealous, but you are not selfish. And you are not dangerous. You were a kid and really shitty things happened. None of which were your fault. And I’m sure, without a doubt, that Talia eventually realized how much pain you were in when you acted out. You were just as scared and lost as she was. And no matter how bad you feel about your behavior, it was still her choice. You didn’t take that away. You need to forgive yourself. Trust me ... if she loved you like she said she did—she forgave you years ago.” I should know, because I love you.

“It doesn’t matter if I spend the rest of my life making up for all of it, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the