I don’t know when it happened but next thing I knew I was cradled in Jade’s arms while she tried to calm me down. Running her fingers through my hair she said, “Ashlynn, we don’t know if you’re pregnant yet, so please calm down.”
Calming down was the last thing on my mind. I immediately got out of the warmth I felt being embraced in Jade’s arms and word spewed everything I had running through my mind.
Looking at her I said, “But what if I am pregnant? Jason’s already said that he doesn’t want to have children. He doesn’t want to mess up their lives the way your dad messed up both of yours. I feel like as soon as Jason and I are okay something comes along and just messes it all up and I don’t know what I’m going to do. What am I supposed to say to him? I mean I told him I was on birth control and I was but I might be pregnant. Oh my god, he’s going to think I lied to hi-”
“You stop right there Ashlynn Paisley Miller! Yes, you guys didn’t use a condom the first time but certainly Jason carried condoms in his wallet or his pocket or glued to his motherfucking hand the other times after that. This is not all your fault! Yes, Jason and I had a messed up childhood but if you are pregnant I know my brother will take care of that child. Ashlynn, he loves you and if you can’t see that yet then you are seriously messed up.”
Taking a few calming breaths I said, “I know Jason loves me but it just seems like we can’t catch a break. As soon as we find happiness it just all gets messed up again and I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to tell him.”
Wrapping her arms around me Jade kissed me on the cheek and said, “You take a nice long bath and I will be back with the essentials. No matter what Ashlynn, it’s going to be okay.”
Giving her a squeeze I said, “Thanks Jade, I love you.”
Kissing me on the cheek she said, “Well I love your dumb ass too,” which got me to smile just a tiny bit. Releasing one another I looked at her. She must have sensed me staring at her because after she got off the bed she looked at me and asked, “What?”
Tilting my head to the side I asked, “How’d you come to the conclusion that you thought I was pregnant?”
Looking into my eyes she said, “We don’t know if you’re pregnant yet but when mom was pregnant with Jason and I she couldn’t stand the smell and look of meat, especially chicken. It just really grossed her out and she’s been a vegetarian ever since.”
I must have had a worried look on my face because Jade walked over to me and tilting my chin up she said, “It’s going to be okay, Ashlynn. Everything will be okay. Now smile that beautiful smile you have going on and show your bestie all those pearly whites you’ve got going on there.”
Giving her a halfass smile she left my room and said, “I’ll be back.”
As soon as I heard the front door close my heart dropped and I started crying. I just couldn’t believe the mess I got myself in now and I didn’t have the slightest clue how to get out of it. There was just something in me telling me that I already knew the answer, that I was pregnant. Getting up off the bed I walked over to the nightstand table and turned my phone off. I just needed my own time to think about what I was going to do and how I was going to tell Jason.
I decided to take Jade’s advice and take a warm bubble bath to just try and calm myself. After starting the bath and adding the bubbles I went back into my room and got my Kindle because I definitely needed an escape from my life right now.
I needed to read about people who didn’t get pregnant even though the girl was on birth control. I needed to read about nonfictional characters who could mess up beyond repair and somehow the author thought it was humanly possible to not have to face the consequences because right now I wished I was one of those characters.
Unfortunately, real life isn’t like that. It’s not a place where you can mess up and get away with it. Every day we gamble. We are given decisions and we make our choices. But it’s because of those choices we are where we are and we can’t blame anybody for that besides ourselves when we royally fuck up.
I turned on my Kindle and started up where I left off on the last book in the
Throwing my Kindle on the floor I pulled my legs up to my chest and cried because I didn’t know what else to do. Not even reading could help me escape. As if I couldn’t feel worse the memory of Jason and I making love in the bathtub at the hotel drifted its way into my mind.
The way he held me so close to him and looked into my eyes whispering words like:
“I’ll never leave you.”
“I love you, Ash.”
“Forever and always.”
A little while later I heard the front door open and close and then there was a knock on the bathroom. “Ashlynn?”
Not taking my head out of the crook of my legs I mumbled, “You can come on in Jade.”
With a twist of the knob she peaked in and said, “I’ve got some pregnancy tests, crackers, and some more ginger ale. So whenever you’re ready.”
I still hadn’t moved my head. Again I mumbled, “I’ll just be out in a minute.”
I heard her put a bag on the floor and once the door was closed I rinsed myself off and got out of the tub and wrapped myself up in a towel. Going back into my room I dried off and put on some yoga pants and a t-shirt. Taking a deep breath I walked back into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. Jade had left the bag of pregnancy tests in there. As if I didn’t already know my fate.
Opening the box I pulled out the stick and read the instructions. Following the instructions I set the stick on the side of the sink, washed my hands and dragged my pregnant ass out into the living room where Jade was sitting quietly waiting for me.
I fell down next to her and held her hand while I waited for the answer I already knew the test was going to give me. We both sat there and stared at the blank television for the two longest minutes of our lives. Once the timer went off we both got up off the couch and, never releasing the hold of our hands, walked back into the bathroom. Even though I knew the answer my heart was still beating rapidly. Picking up the stick, I looked down and read the single hardest word out there for me at this moment.
Pregnant.
It had been two days since I found out I was going to be a mom and Jason was going to be a dad and I still didn’t have the slightest clue on how I was going to tell him. I decided today was going to be the day that the truth was going to come out; that we were going to be parents in eight and a half months. I just needed two days to maybe come up with some kind of miracle way of telling him but of course no miracle had fallen into my pregnant lap.
Some may think it was childish of me to ignore his text messages but every time I read words like:
… I love you baby.
… can’t wait to hold you in my arms baby.
… you okay baby?
… my heart dropped, my stomach tightened and I threw up. Of course the throwing up was not only from nerves but morning sickness as well.
Getting my purse from my room I started to open the front door when Jade said, “Give me the keys; I’ll drive.”
I turned and looked at her. “You’re coming with me?”
Jade shrugged her shoulders and said, “Yeah, I’m coming with you. Did you think I was not going to?”
Shaking my head back and forth I said, “I didn’t expect you to. That’s all.”
Grabbing me in a hug Jade whispered, “Like I said before. I’m going to be here every step of the way; no matter what the outcome is, Ash.”
