Winston so Haley could stop on the way and say goodbye to Kendall, and then to my mother. We’d stop at a post office somewhere along the way to ship this stuff to California.
Leaning against the back bumper, I felt my chest tighten, my eyes close from the pain. I felt so lost already, my heart broken, what felt like, beyond repair. Then I felt the familiar stinging behind my eyes. I had done so much of this lately.
Taking several deep breaths, I tried to get myself under control. I didn’t want to fall apart in front of Haley.
I headed back into the house, seeing Haley gathering stuff from the dining room table, putting it in boxes. She looked at me. I could see how red her eyes were. From fresh tears. I smiled at her, she smiled back, then turned back to what she was doing. I turned my attention to the few things that hung on the walls. I’d always wondered why this place looked as though she hadn’t fully moved in.
I smiled ruefully. Now I knew.
She had more boxes stacked, ready to be labeled and loaded. Without words between us, we made a quick, efficient team. Times like this I wished I were an incompetent dolt.
Dutifully I carried box after box out until the Jeep was completely loaded, even with one of the back seats folded down. I had to make enough room for Kendall to be able to sit, but other than that, we were full.
I headed back into the house, looked around.
'Is that it?'
'Yeah.' Haley stacked a few boxes next to the door. 'All that’s left is my bed, and what’s going to my parent’s house.'
'Okay, that’s good. We’re full.'
Haley sighed, tired, just like me. She looked at me, her hands in the back pockets of her shorts, hair bound up on top of her head.
'Are you ready?' I nodded, leading the way out to my car. I felt like I was leading a funeral march, burying that part of me that had effectively been killed. You don’t know how often I thought about the fact that we could be packing my stuff right now, too, and this could be a happy time; a time of new beginnings.
But, I’d made my bed, and it was time to lie in it. I just hoped none of the nails would leave scars.
We piled in, the slamming of the doors reminding me of that of a prison cell door. Yeah, I knew I was being pretty dramatic, but that’s how I felt; everything was exaggerated right now. Every sense, every feeling, every pain.
The drive toward Winston was very quiet, subdued. I wanted to believe that it was equally hard for Haley. She leaned against the passenger door, watching the scenery fly by, her hand resting on my leg. In the last few weeks, it was rare when we were together for her not to be touching me in some way. I had reveled in it, needing the support and connection as much as she did, yet I had began to pull away, too. I had started to notice it one night about two weeks ago.
Earlier I had not really allowed myself to think about Haley’s leaving. After the initial pain and shock of hearing it, I had successfully pushed it out of my mind. I was good at that. But soon there was just no way of doing that, anymore. It was real, it would happen, and it was coming.
So, what better way than to just start steeling myself for it now.
'Andi?' I glanced at Haley, shaking myself out of my melancholy thoughts. Might as well save some for later.
'Yeah?'
'Thank you,' she said, her voice quiet and gentle.
'For what?' She smiled, shrugging.
'Just for being you. For helping me. For not hating me.'
'I don’t hate you, Haley. Quite the opposite, really. I hurt, as I’m sure you are, but I do understand. Were I in your situation, I imagine I’d be doing the same thing.'
'Really?'
I nodded. 'Yes. We both have responsibilities, and though I think our priorities could use some serious work, we do have separate lives.'
Haley said nothing, but did squeeze my thigh, running her fingers over the skin there.
Soon we reached the Torrini’s place. Kendall knew we were coming, but didn’t know why. I had already talked with Michelle and Vince, asking for permission to take Kendall with me to California over the summer.
The front door opened as we made our way up the path. Michelle appeared in the door, a smile on her face. She reached for Haley, hugging her, and patting her on the back.
'Good luck, Haley.'
'Thank you. And thanks for letting Kendall come visit.' Michelle squeezed Haley’s hand and smiled.
'Andi! Haley!' Small but loud feet came tearing down the staircase, and then one excited little girl appeared.
'Hey, you!' I knelt down, taking her into my arms, and gave her a monster hug. Then the girl turned to Haley, who hugged her tight, blue eyes closed. I figured this would be painful for Haley, as well.
Vince shook Haley’s hand, then we were off. We managed to fit my daughter, who questioned the reason for all the boxes, into the back, and headed for her favorite place to eat.
I sat across from Haley and Kendall, wanting to give Haley as much opportunity to be with her as possible. I truly believe that she loved Kendall as if she were her own daughter. That was enough to make me love Haley that much more.
They chatted a little about school, and what Kendall planned to do over the summer, and if she was excited for school to end. We ate in peace until finally, all of us finished, Haley turned to the girl.
'Kendall, um, honey, I need to tell you something.'
'Okay,' Kendall said, happily sucking her thick, chocolate milkshake down.
'I’m moving.' The girl looked at her.
'What?'
'I’m going back to California, honey. That’s where I came from, where I lived before I came here last summer.'
'You’re leaving?' I could see Kendall was deeply upset by this, her green eyes beginning to fill, her brows knitting together so much like my own when I was upset. 'But why? Don’t you want to be Andi’s friend, anymore?'
'Oh, sweetie. I’ll always be Andi’s friend, and yours, too.' Tears began to stream down Kendall’s face. She turned to look at me, and I smiled at her, then she turned back to Haley.
'I don’t want you to go, Haley. I don’t want you to leave me.'
That was all I could take. I stood, and quickly headed for the bathroom. I always knew that even though me and Torrinis tried to do the absolute best for Kendall, there was still going to be some damage there, and I had always wondered about her feelings of abandonment. God, when was I going to stop hurting my daughter?
I leaned against the sink, my head hung as I held my breath, trying to get my emotions under control. There was no way in hell I was going to let Kendall see me upset. She was already in enough pain, and confused, as it was.
Kendall was quiet as we drove back to the Torrini’s. Every once in a while I could hear her quietly sniffling. I would glanced at her every once in a while in the rearview mirror, sometimes she’d meet my gaze, but often, she was leaning on her hand, staring out the window as night began to fall.
We reached her house, and she quietly got out of the car, walking around to my side. I got out, and knelt down, holding her to me tightly, my hand on the back of her head, caressing her hair, and then kissed her cheek.
'I’ll talk to you later, kiddo. Okay?' She nodded at me, then turned to Haley who had also gotten out, and stood nearby. I got back into the car, giving them some time. I could see Haley’s mouth moving, Kendall nodding once in a while, a tear sliding down her cheek. Haley wiped it away, then hugged her.
Finally I had to look away. I heard Haley get in the Jeep, but didn’t look at her.
'Post office it is,' she said, her voice quiet, shaky. I looked at her. She had a hand over her mouth as she stared out into the early dusk.
'Are you okay?' I asked. She nodded, taking a deep breath, and removing her hand.
