Yeah, for me too, I thought. But not in the way that you mean.
One late Saturday afternoon in October, when it was already dark, we only had candlelight and the air in the flat’s main room was thick with the scent of incense. We played Ghost Dance at a low-ish volume. It felt like the presence in the room was so close I felt I could reach out and touch it, so solid I half expected it to speak to me.
Zoe ended every ritual with the words: ‘And please. Get rid of her.’ At first, I’d always assumed she was talking about Kerry. But I started to wonder. Zoe would rather spend cold, damp nights on a mattress in the empty flat than go home. And although we both had cuts on our hands and arms from the blood part of the rituals, I’d noticed, when we got changed for games at school, that Zoe’s bruises had all but gone.
I sat staring into the candle flames. Zoe blinked and gazed out of the big bare window at the black sky with its odd, sparse star. And there was a loud thumping at the door.
My heart quickened. I was about to get up, but Zoe shook her head at me. ‘No one knows we’re here,’ she whispered. ‘We shouldn’t answer it. They’ll have to go away.’
But the knocking went on. Then a voice shouted through the letterbox. ‘It’s only me, Jodie,’ she said. ‘Answer the door, you two. I know you’re in there.’
Zoe sighed and hauled herself up, while I made a grab for the skull and the bowl of earth and shoved them behind a cushion. And when Zoe opened the door, Jodie was there. With Kerry. They walked in without being asked.
‘Kerry didn’t know you used this place,’ Jodie said. ‘And then she was too shy to come up and see you on her own, I don’t know why. I said you wouldn’t mind.’
I tried to smile at Kerry, who stared around the room, taking in the posters on the walls, Zoe’s drawings, the mugs we’d left lying around.
Jodie laughed. ‘They’ve made themselves quite at home, haven’t they?’
Kerry said, ‘Yes,’ in a quiet sort of a voice.
‘You know,’ Jodie went on, ‘I don’t mind you being here. Better than the place being empty, I think. But I should warn you – someone came around to read the meters the other day. They were knocking at all the doors. It’s only a matter of time before someone switches your power off again. And your water. So don’t get too comfortable, you lot.’
She went to get ready for a night out. And we were left with Kerry. Zoe hadn’t said a word since she’d arrived.
‘Kerry,’ I said, jumping up, ‘Want a drink?’
‘What kind of a drink?’ Kerry looked around, as if she expected someone or something to jump out at her.
‘Absinthe,’ said Zoe, folding her arms and glaring at Kerry. ‘Mixed with puppy’s blood.’
I tried to laugh. ‘Take no notice,’ I said. ‘Hot chocolate, as usual. Or mint tea.’ I hurried into the little kitchen then popped my head back round the doorway. ‘Biscuit?’
Kerry followed me. ‘How long have you been coming here?’
‘Oh,’ I said, busying myself with the shiny kettle and keeping my face turned away from Kerry, because I always think people can tell when I’m fibbing. ‘Not long. Week or two, or something like that.’
Kerry’s expression was sulky. ‘Jodie says you’ve been coming here since the summer.’
I took a breath. ‘I don’t think it’s that long,’ I said, as vaguely as possible. I could sense Zoe’s fury, as if it was rolling at me in waves.
‘But you never said.’ Kerry looked down her nose at the mug I’d just slid along the kitchen bench. ‘You never asked me to come along.’ She paused for a minute as if she was daring herself to ask. ‘Why not?’
‘We –’ I tried waving a packet of chocolate biscuits at Kerry, but she shook her head. ‘We thought we’d get it all nice first.’
I heard Zoe make a small, explosive, spluttering sound.
Kerry looked watery-eyed. ‘It feels like you were just keeping me out of things,’ she said. ‘Again.’
‘Yes, well,’ Zoe started, but I interrupted. ‘No, it’s just you were away at the end of the summer, weren’t you? And then we thought, let’s get it looking really good and give you a bit of a surprise.’
Kerry looked as if she wanted to believe me, but Zoe ruined it by shaking her head.
‘Does Luke know about this place?’ Kerry asked.
I swallowed. ‘No.’
‘Why not?’
I couldn’t find a reply. The real answer was: because he would have told you. And we didn’t want you to know.
‘I wanted it kept a secret,’ Zoe said, suddenly. ‘We’re not really supposed to be here, right? I said that the fewer people know, the better.’
‘Oh.’ Kerry nodded. She flicked on the light switch in the main room, and looked around it. In the full glare of the bare electric lightbulb, you could see where Zoe’s paint had smeared a little across the floor and the dusty skirting boards. You could see where a damp patch had made its way back through the fresh paint, in a dark grey bloom. You could see how sad the place really was. Kerry was silent for a few beats. Then she said: ‘I like your drawings, Zoe.’
Zoe nodded. But she looked like she wanted to strangle Kerry. I knew that now, our special place wouldn’t be the same.
19
Caught
The day before my birthday Dad said he would take me into town and buy me something, if I could decide what it was I wanted. But I couldn’t – all I really wanted was some cash so that we could get more stuff for the flat and so Zoe would stop walking out of shops with things she hadn’t paid for. And also, so that we could get some clothes from Dead Bouquet.
