“I wish I could go to the park with you guys. I’m so sad.”
Liz has filled in the grandmother role that Alex does not have. Not that she is old at twenty-five, but my mother hasn’t even talked to me since she kicked me out over fifteen months ago. I have called my mother and even gone by her house, but she doesn’t answer the phone or the door even though I know she is home. Liz and George have done anything and everything for Alex and me, including making him a room at their condo for the nights he stays over when I work late. I don’t know what I would do without these two people who have become my family.
“It’s okay, Liz, we are taking him to the fun center on Saturday. George has covered all of our shifts that afternoon and we can celebrate then.” This earns me a dirty look from Jerry and I know I will hear about it as soon as we leave here.
After living with Jerry for three months, I regret ever having made the decision to move in with him. With the bar changing locations, the studio was no longer available, so I was forced to move. Jerry had begged me to move in with him and I was not in the financial position to pay rent, utilities, and a car payment and still go to school. Any money I had saved went pay for a growing nine-month-old baby. I took him up on his offer with the condition that there was to be no pressure for a sexual relationship. I didn’t expect him to wait forever, but certain characteristic traits have me nervous about taking our relationship to the next level. Liz thinks I’m crazy for baiting the bear, her terminology not mine. “You can’t expect to live with the guy and share couples responsibilities without putting out. He is going to lose his patience. Then where will you be?” I am seeing signs of that loss of patience in him almost daily.
It doesn’t take long for Jerry to start in about his role in this relationship. As soon as we are in the car on the way to the park he starts yelling.
“Olivia, I can’t help but feel like you are trying to push me out of every family decision you make. I am your boyfriend. Shouldn’t I have a say of when and where we celebrate Alex’s birthday? You are constantly putting the needs of George and Liz above mine. You know I have to work on Saturday afternoon, but you planned a celebration for Alex anyway. How is that supposed to make me feel?”
He pulls into the parking lot and slams the gearshift into park. He turns toward me and grips my arm hard enough to bruise.
“I am not going to wait forever for you to consider me as part of your family. We have been together for the last six months, and I think it’s time for you to start sleeping in my bed.”
This is only the second time Jerry has mentioned me sleeping in his room instead of Alex’s, and both times have caused a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know that if I take this relationship to the next level, I will never be able to get out. Not only does Jerry’s behavior make me uneasy, but thoughts of Alexander invade my mind daily. How can I commit myself to one man that I don’t love when I am always thinking of the man I do. I know it seems crazy to hold on to the hope of ever finding Alexander, but I just don’t know how to move on when our son is a constant reminder of my one true love.
“Jerry, please, you’re hurting me.” His grip loosens a little, but he keeps his hand in place to remind me who is in charge. “We have only been together for six months and three of those were spent sporadic dating and socializing at the bar. I am a single mother because of a spontaneous decision and I refuse to put myself in that position again.”
“Don’t you dare compare me to your son’s sperm donor. I’m not just going to sleep with you and leave, Olivia! You live in my goddamn house for hell sakes. I’m invested in this relationship; it’s you who’s not. How long do I have to wait for you to love me back? How long will I have to wait for you to get over a man who didn’t care enough to give you his full name?”
Alex starts to whimper, so I know I will have to placate Jerry just to get him to calm down. The violence in him simmers just below the surface and I know it’s a matter of time before he becomes more physically aggressive. “You know I care about you, but it’s my childhood that has me hesitant. It’s very hard to erase twenty years of chastisements and warnings about men in a matter of a few months. And you are right, Jerry, making a spontaneous decision left me pregnant and alone. Can’t you see why I would be reluctant to put myself in that position again? Please just be patient with me. I promise that you won’t have to wait forever.” That statement seems to calm him a little, and he releases my arm.
We spend a few hours at the park watching Alex struggle to walk and try to chase birds. Jerry doesn’t participate in our play and just watches with a scowl of resentment. I know I’m going to have to leave him but the timing will need to be perfect, plus I don’t have enough money stashed away yet. I give Liz thirty dollars every night and ask her to keep it for me because Jerry takes all of my tips
