I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you sooner, but let me take this opportunity to address some of your questions about the love of your life, Joy Rebecca Bernstein.
Well, first of all, have you ever had sex? Are you a virgin? What bases have you gone to? I need hard information in order to be the best big sister possible. What kind of kisser are you? Aggressive or passionate?
And NO, YOU CANNOT TAKE JOY TO CAMEL LOT! How dare you even suggest that. Camel Lot became my secret place after that day at the reservoir. And I will gladly write out directions to that place for you! Just remember . . . never call it “the rez.” Only low-class people say that, Matthew.
Write me back ASAP.
Oh, and I’ve calmed Christopher down. He is not mad at you right now.
Big Sis,
Tara
Dear Tara,
I’m really sorry I suggested asking Joy out at Camel Lot. I will never do that again. My bad. Will you maybe show me it one day? We can lay on a blanket and talk about life and our dreams.
I would say I’m a passionate kisser. I love kissing slowly and then a little faster. You might think this is weird, but girls like to bite on my lips, I guess ’cuz I have big lips. I haven’t done too much, but I’ve felt girls up and dry humped Jill Kablotzky at overnight camp. I am a virgin, but don’t tell anyone ’cuz it’s kinda embarrassing. But if I ask Joy out and she says yes, I think I will lose my virginity with her.
I didn’t think you had a crush on me. That would be crazy anyway ’cuz you’re going out with Chris and he’s my neighbor.
Anyway. See you at rehearsal later, and THANK GOD IT’S FRIDAY!!
Your Bro,
Matthew
Matthew,
So you’ve felt girls up? I’m assuming that you’ve done so over the shirt, correct? So basically in reality you’ve never felt breasts before. I have very, verrrrry big breasts so it takes some big hands to cup mine. Do you have big hands? I’ve never looked at them. Do you even have hands, Matthew? I guess I’ve never really looked at you like looked at you looked at you, you know what I mean?
It’s not embarrassin’ that you’re a virgin. It’s kinda sweet. I really suggest you lose your virginity to someone who cares deeply about you. Someone you can trust. Someone who loves you. You deserve to be loved. Do you know that?
I lost my virginity to Kev Brandolini. He didn’t even go to South High. He went to boarding school, but he was from here. I was a Freshman (seems like light years ago), and Kev was home for Christmas break. I was with my mom, pickin’ up last-minute ornaments at the Christmas Tree Shop. It was sooooooooooo cold outside. You know how winter can be. I could smell hot cocoa in the air, and wanna know why? Because Kev Brandolini was drinkin’ hot cocoa, and he was standin’ right next to me. He was there pickin’ up tinsel for one of his Christmas trees. His family lives up by Faffard Lane. You know those mansions? They have horses, too. And they have tons of Christmas trees. Imagine that. Bein’ so rich you have tons of Christmas trees. His house was so pretty. All those twinklin’ lights. Anyway, Kev was there, and he was so hot and tall. He had one of those preppy haircuts where it’s, like, longer on the top and shaved around the sides and back. He was wearing a baseball hat, but his long hair in the front was sticking out. And he said, “You’re Tara Murphy, right?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “I saw you in the newspaper for cheerleading.”
The squad had just come back from Nashville, where we came in second at Nationals. And there was a huge picture of us on the front page. Kev asked me if I liked Christmas and I told him that I lived for Christmas, and he asked me if I wanted to see all their trees and I said YES. Kev picked me up that night. Oh my god, Matthew, he drove the coolest jeep ever!!
So, he took me to his mansion and the trees were gorgeous. And Kev showed me his room, and it had tons of trophies from lacrosse, and he asked me if he could kiss me. And I was tremblin’, but I let him. And we sort of hung out for the rest of Christmas break and ended up having sex in the horse stables. And then, like a flash, Kev Brandolini was gone, back to boarding school. Like he just sorta disappeared. He never called me after that, and now he’s in college somewhere, but I will never forget him.
To be loved has gotta be the most incredible feelin’ in the world. Real love. True love. I don’t know that I’ve ever been loved like REALLY LOVED. Have you? Did Jill Kablotzky LOVE you? Or any of the other girls you’ve hooked up with?
Don’t get me wrong, Christopher Caparelli and I are one of the greatest Supercouples this town has ever seen, but somethin’ is missin’. I long for the day when I feel so in love that my heart bursts like a firework on the Fourth of July.
Hang on a sec. I’m gonna brush my hair with my new brush. My hair is so long right now
