‘So looking at these measurements, it seems you’re about fourteen weeks pregnant.’
‘What? Four . . . teen?’
The sonographer nodded. ‘Your notes say you can’t remember when your last period was so I guess that explains why.’
When I got back to my car, I sat for a while allowing my whirling thoughts to settle. If I was fourteen weeks pregnant, I’d drank, I hadn’t taken care of myself. I racked my brain trying to remember whether that would have been when I was taking conception vitamins and folic acid. I didn’t know. I felt panicky and breathless again. ‘Fourteen weeks,’ I whispered. That meant, when things started to fall apart, when I was desperate to conceive and thought there was a missing piece in my near-perfect life, I already had everything I wanted. I just didn’t know it.
‘What’s this?’ James came in from the office waving a small black and white photograph. I’d left it on his keyboard when he’d taken a phone call outside earlier.
I bit down on my lip. ‘What do you think it is?’ I replied with a niggly feeling in my stomach. Guilt? Irritation? I wasn’t sure.
His face broke into a smile. ‘This is wonderful, but Charlotte, I would have taken time off and come to the hospital with you. We should do these things together.’
‘Yes, sorry. I assumed you were still snowed under.’ I instinctively froze as he came over, wrapping me in his arms, and then allowed myself to relax. Small steps, Charlotte.
Waking up next to him the following morning, I realised his arm was snaked around my waist, lying protectively across my stomach. The warmth of his body suddenly felt all homely again, and the hairs on his chest tickled my back in a way that was familiar and comforting. Maybe it was the reality of the scan, the time that had passed, or something else, but I actually snuggled into him without any ugly images sneaking into my mind. Perhaps time is healing.
After a while, I left him sleeping to go downstairs, and for the first time in ages, I prepared breakfast. The sweet smell of pastry baking roused him shortly after and he came down in his pyjama bottoms like he used to. ‘How about a walk after breakfast?’ he asked, and my chest fluttered a little.
‘I’d love that.’ I smiled warmly, handing him a cup of coffee.
By ten o’clock, the sun was shining and the sky was cloudless overhead as summer dawned. We walked through the isolated grass and woodlands of The National Park silently, hand in hand. I hadn’t been sure I could forgive James before, but in that moment I felt like I could. I was forgiving him. The memory of what he did still stung, but in the grand scheme of things, maybe it didn’t matter.
He’d handed large parts of his case over to another solicitor who now went to work at the chambers with Samantha when her input was needed, and I could just about cope with that – until the case was over, at least. I stole a glance at his handsome features and my chest felt all light and jiggly. The gorgeous man beside me and I were building a family together. I stopped in my tracks, stood up on my tiptoes, and kissed him on the lips. It was just a peck, but I lingered. He raised his eyebrows, grinning. It was the first time I’d kissed him since ‘the incident’, but it felt right.
‘Does this mean what I think it means?’ he said and I nodded, unable to keep the grin from spreading across my face. He pulled me in close and kissed me properly. I felt like my heart might explode.
As the days rolled on, I became acutely aware of the little human growing inside of me, and the more focused I became on the little peanut in my tummy, the less I cared that James had fallen back into the old routine of working long hours in the study, and that suited me fine. I enjoyed my own company, and I was still coming to terms with what he’d done so the space didn’t hurt. I assumed that once the baby arrived, we’d fall back into our old ways and the whole sorry matter would blow over. Since becoming pregnant, the overwhelming sense of love for my child overshadowed everything else and I wanted James in the wings.
I’d continued chatting to Andrew, mostly via text and sometimes over the telephone, and whenever he’d mentioned meeting up, I’d managed to make an excuse. I knew I needed to do it, I just didn’t want to lose him. I realised that since going to that private school I’d been surrounded by shallow, fake friends and it was no different in the social circles I’d been part of in Cheshire. Meeting people I really connected with was new to me and I know it was selfish to put off telling him the truth but I needed him and I couldn’t help but wonder whether we could have built a friendship if I’d been honest from the start. Fortunately, he’d been in the throes of report writing and sports day planning and didn’t have much free time either.
The last message I’d read from him had sent little tingles through my stomach. It had ended with:
It’s so odd: we haven’t even met but I feel such a strong connection to you. It’s like we’ve known one another for years.
And after I’d read it for the second time, my eyes lingered on his photo for just a little too long.
***
‘Is that a teeny tiny tummy I see there?’ Megan asked when she turned up for my next Pilates session.
I grinned and nodded animatedly. ‘Everything is coming together, and my life’s plan is back on track!’
‘I take it things have progressed with James then?’ She sat down on the
