Of course x
What the hell was I doing?
Chapter Thirteen
‘After everything that’s gone on, you want to do pregnancy Pilates?’ Megan asked when she arrived the next day.
I shrugged. ‘It’s good for keeping muscle tone, and it will apparently help me get back into shape once the baby is born.’
‘What I meant was, how can you think about muscle tone when you’ve had two huge surprises in such a short space of time?’ She set off towards the gym and I followed.
‘Megan, I have to move forward. It’s no good feeling sorry for myself, and wallowing in self-pity has never made anyone feel better. Ever.’
‘I’m worried about you.’ She placed a hand on my shoulder. ‘I know what it feels like to find out someone you love has betrayed you, and it’s not pleasant. I’m still not over Mike yet, not properly! Every time I think I’m doing okay, I crumble.’
‘It wasn’t really an affair,’ I said quickly. ‘It was work stress.’
She raised her eyebrows in a look that said she wasn’t buying a word of what I had to say.
‘Fine,’ I continued. ‘Of course, I don’t condone what he did, but we’re having a baby and that’s a massive life change. Much bigger than one bad decision.’
‘But it still hurts, Charlotte,’ she said, more softly this time. ‘How have things been?’
I sighed. ‘Fine, really. He’s thrilled about the baby and thinks this could be the fresh start we need to get back on track.’
‘But you’re not sure? You’re just talking about James being happy.’
‘We slept in the same bed last night for the first time since . . . you know. It just didn’t feel the same. I didn’t feel the love and warmth that I usually do. It could have been just anyone lying there.’
‘It’s still raw,’ Megan said. ‘You’re trying too hard to move on too soon. You need more time.’
‘It’s not so easy to bide my time when his baby is growing inside of me – I feel like there’s a time limit on making things work.’
‘You have nine months.’
‘Probably eight,’ I replied automatically, like it made a difference.
‘Still, you’ve got enough time to slow things down. Let him sleep in the spare room a bit longer, make him earn your love back. Then you’ll start to feel it again.’
She was right, of course. I just don’t do beating around the bush; I’d rather get things done and draw a line under them and since I’d already planned to stay with James, there was little point in making him stew. There was something else I had to draw a line under. ‘Megan, there’s something I have to tell you.’
She was kneeling down, rolling out a mat, and looked up at me like a worried puppy. ‘What?’
My mouth suddenly felt dry and my words jammed a little in my throat as I paused, trying to think of a way to get out of the whole mess, looking somewhat better than awful. I could just delete the Me & You account and forget it existed. But that wouldn’t be fair to Andrew, and that aside, he could bump into her somewhere. I cursed myself for setting the radius so local.
‘I was wondering if you’ve thought about dating anyone?’ I went for a gentle lead-up, giving myself time to come up with a good reason for what I’d done.
To my surprise, Megan’s face broke into a grin; she was still on all fours on the mat looking up at me like a happy puppy. ‘As a matter of fact, I have,’ she said. A flicker of hope filled my chest. Perhaps she’d see the good in my intentions. She let out a small laugh but then looked a bit sad again. ‘It’s silly,’ she said.
‘Go on,’ I prompted.
‘I’ve really enjoyed having Sam around the place. I think we’ve got . . . I think there’s a connection.’ Her cheeks flushed.
My body became leaden. ‘Oh?’ No, no, no, not Sam. It was all so wrong. Andrew was broken and patched up, but Sam wasn’t fixed; he wasn’t even sure if he’d forgive Samantha the last time I spoke to him. My face must have said enough as she continued without awaiting a reply.
‘I know, I know. It’s too soon, neither of us can possibly be ready for a relationship, especially not with each other, blah, blah, blah. But it feels like there’s something there. I don’t know. He’s easy company and pretty easy on the eye too. Without Sam around, I’d still be pining for Mike.’
I gulped. ‘And you think Sam feels this . . . connection too?’ I hadn’t seen that coming. In fact, I hadn’t imagined either of them had done much more than mope since Sam started staying there.
‘I don’t know. I hope so.’
I decided I had to go ahead and tell her about Andrew – to try and convince her to meet him, mostly to appease my conscience, and also, to distract her away from Sam.
‘Don’t get mad.’ Her eyes darted towards me. ‘I thought you might want to start dating people at some point, so I set up a profile for you on a dating website – Me & You.’
I held my breath, awaiting her response. Slowly, she rose from the floor to face me square on, her arms folded. ‘What? Why?’ Her eyes narrowed as my chest tightened. I panicked, worried I’d lose her. Part of me thought I should have just kept my mouth shut. But if I’d learnt one lesson in the past few months, it was that deceiving my real friends was not a good idea.
‘It was when you were upset. I thought if I had some interested parties, and you felt ready or low or whatever, I could show
