James slept in our bed that night. It was the first time since it had happened, and it was odd, like a stranger was lying next to me. There were moments where I thought I could move past his affair, like I could lock it up in a box and toss it out to sea, but the image of them together always escaped and crawled back to me.
As I lay there, watching the rise and fall of his chest I tried to force myself to feel love again and I did feel the swell of love in my chest but I couldn’t attach it to James, it was for the baby inside me.
The next morning, I was awoken by severe discomfiture and went downstairs, leaving James asleep. Needing something to take my mind off him, I logged into the Me & You website. There was a red prompt, reminding me to check my Me & You inbox. With everything that had happened, I’d completely forgotten to reply to his last message – the one where he’d opened up to me – to Megan – and I felt terrible. Megan was right when she’d said I treated people like puppets. I was a puppeteer with too many puppets.
I clicked open.
Hi Megan,
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lay it on heavy so soon. I just thought I should explain myself a little. I didn’t want sympathy or anything like that – I just wanted you to know I’m not single because I’m an oddball with a dark side or anything like that. Anyway, I won’t contact you again unless I hear from you first because I don’t want to come across stalkerish.
It’s over to you.
Andrew x
My chest panged. I was making a pig’s ear of everything, and my victims were amassing at an alarming rate. I had to put it right.
Andrew,
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. Believe me when I say that your awful news wasn’t the reason I didn’t reply. My life has been somewhat chaotic recently and I’ve had some personal matters to deal with. I just didn’t get a chance to log in.
The truth is, I’m not Megan. I’m Megan’s friend, Charlotte, and I set up this dating page for her after her fiancé cheated on her. I wanted her to find someone who cared.
No, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t come clean.
The lies I’d carved were too deep for everything to be okay. Instead, I’d make a new plan.
I’d come clean to Megan and hope that she’d forgive me, like the look of Andrew, arrange a date, and keep my secret. Admittedly, it was a tall order but the barrel of choice wasn’t exactly brimming. I placed my fingers back on the keyboard, deleted the last three lines and started typing again.
It must be so hard for you. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. My fiancé had an affair (hence my single status) and that was painful enough but he’s still here at least.
I’m here if you need to talk.
I love visiting Italy too, and France. Lake Garda is one of my favourite places to stay in Italy, but I do love Venice and Rome. The French Riviera, Normandy, Brittany and, (of course), Paris are my French favourites.
Do you have any children?
Megan x
I wasn’t sure why I asked that. I think given my own predicament I was particularly interested.
The reply was almost instant, which made me feel worse.
I’m glad you haven’t been put off. Thanks for the offer of talking, but I’ve done plenty of that over the years. My mother insisted on counselling, and mine and Beth’s friends wouldn’t leave me alone until I convinced them I was okay. Beth was my wife, by the way. Like I said, I’m okay now – time is a great healer and now I’m grateful for my many happy memories.
Those are some great places. We did a Year 6 trip to Paris one year but I doubt Disneyland was what you had in mind.
We never had children of our own but worrying about the progress of my class full of seven- and eight-year-olds often keeps me awake at night if that counts. How about you?
Andrew x
I started to type straight away, smiling at the thought of that robust man I’d seen at the gym being given the run-around by a class full of children.
Not yet. I’m pregnant, though.
I caught myself and hit delete straight away, sitting back in the chair to take a breath. For a brief moment, I’d forgotten my reasons for talking to Andrew and felt compelled to share my news with him. I put it down to a bad week and a sprinkling of extra hormones.
I don’t have any children but I hope to have one day. I’ve not met a primary school teacher before – not since I was eleven at least.
I knew the part about wanting children was true as Megan had said several times in the past that she wanted two.
I’m glad you’re focusing on the happy times.
FYI, I’m not averse to Disneyland – there’s a big kid in all of us!
I was terrible at advice. I could fix a problem for someone, but I couldn’t talk them into feeling better. I needed to talk to Megan and hand Andrew over before things got any weirder. I hit send and just as I was closing my laptop lid, it pinged again. I knew I should slow things down – Megan wasn’t near ready yet – but unable to resist peeking, I opened my laptop back up to the Me & You inbox.
Would it be okay to have your number? Normally I discourage my students from handing their numbers to strangers, especially ones they’ve met online, but now we’ve spoken a little, I feel one hundred per cent certain that you’re not an axe-wielding maniac. x
My stomach flipped
