‘Well I won’t forgive him this time.’
***
After reassuring Kate that I’d be okay, she finally went home to prepare dinner for Carl. It was nice to see her thinking about him and not just herself for a change. It seemed the recent breakups had hit home for her, though Kate couldn’t cook so I assumed by ‘prepare dinner’ she meant ‘pop to M & S for the three-course meal deal’. Shortly after she left, James returned home.
‘Your dinner is there.’ I pointed to a pre-packaged chicken Caesar salad on the table with a yellow reduced sticker on, and he looked up quizzically.
‘Is this a pregnancy thing? Are you feeling off today?’ I didn’t reply. ‘I’m going to take this up to the office.’ He turned to walk upstairs.
‘Much work to do?’ I asked, knowing full well he’d have seen the email on his phone and would know he had something up there to look forward to.
‘Yes, still lots on I’m afraid.’ He walked over and planted a kiss on my head and I froze. I hadn’t planned what to do or say. Kate had rambled on and on; I’d not listened. Should I let him go upstairs and get down to business before bursting in to catch him? I’d wondered. I couldn’t. What would I find? Him with his trousers around his ankles staring at the computer screen like a pubescent teen? I shuddered. I had to confront him, and I had to do it now.
‘I’m leaving you, James.’ I didn’t want to ask why he’d carried on with her. I already knew why. Greed. It was everything he was. If he liked it, he usually got it.
He looked taken aback. ‘Charlotte, I thought we’d made progress. We have, haven’t we?’ He stretched out a hand towards me, and I took a sidestep away. ‘Would you care to explain what brought this on? Hormones?’
I let out a dry, humourless laugh. ‘Perhaps it’s your hormones!’ I said.
He furrowed his brow, confused.
‘I decided to make a start on the nursery planning today.’ I let that sink in, but he still looked puzzled. ‘The interior designer sent some brochures over last year. Do you remember them?’ I was enjoying watching him search for clues.
‘Not really, why?’ He was getting impatient.
‘Well, I had to search for them.’
‘Did you try the filing cabinet?’ he asked slowly.
‘They were emailed, James. Don’t you remember? They were emailed to you.’ I saw the flash of guilt appear on his face while his brain was still registering what I’d said.
‘So you accessed my email?’ He was nodding slowly, thoughtfully, now.
‘I accessed your email.’ I glared at him, watching as the colour drained from his face.
‘I can explain,’ he said, and for the first time, a hint of desperation penetrated his usually steady voice.
‘Save it,’ I said bitterly. ‘I’m just sorry I gave you a second chance last time. We—’ I pointed at my stomach ‘—don’t need you.’ I spat the words out and prodded at him sharply.
I didn’t know what I was doing but I knew I had to get away. I stormed upstairs, vaguely aware of footsteps following behind me.
‘Charlotte, look at me,’ he said, following me into the bedroom.
I ignored him, storming into the wardrobe. I snatched clothes from the hangers without looking at them and piled them on the chaise longue in the centre, eyes darting around as I looked for a holdall.
‘Charlotte,’ he said more loudly this time. ‘You’ve been so distant. I didn’t know if you were ever going to be able to come back to me.’
‘Well, you have an amazing way of assuring I do, James. Sleeping with the chambers’ slut. Why the hell am I not throwing myself at you?’ I placed a sarcastic hand on my heart.
He exhaled heavily. ‘I understand you’re angry. Let it out. I’ve been an idiot.’
‘Unequivocally,’ I snapped.
‘I felt lonely without you, Charlotte.’ His eyes were wide and pleading.
I shook my head and yanked the holdall down from the shelf above the hangers.
‘Samantha means nothing to me.’ Hearing him say her name sent a jolt through me.
‘I’m pregnant, James – you haven’t just betrayed me this time, you’ve betrayed your unborn child too. You’ve no respect for either of us.’
I could see the hurt well up in his eyes. ‘I know, I’ve been stupid and selfish. I just . . . had needs, and Samantha was throwing herself at me. We don’t have a connection, me and her, not like we do. It was just sex.’
The words stung. ‘It was “just sex” to you, James. What do you think it is to me?’ I continued without giving him chance to speak. ‘We were making progress! You weren’t sleeping on the sofa any more, we’d started to move back towards one another . . . You needed patience and you couldn’t wait, could you? You’re right about the selfish part. You just wanted the best of everything. Always have.’ I threw my arms about, gesturing to the lavish walk-in wardrobe and en suite. ‘But the difference here is, James, that I have everything. I’m complete.’ I shoved the clothes into the bag and stormed past him.
‘Charlotte, wait!’ he called, but I ignored him.
When I got into the car I was shaking. He stood on the doorstep, just staring at me. I shifted the car into drive and didn’t look back.
Chapter Seventeen
Alone and pregnant was not where I’d imagined I’d find myself at thirty-six. I’d had it all apart from that one missing puzzle piece, and then suddenly I had the puzzle piece without the jigsaw and I wouldn’t have changed that for the world. James was gone and Andrew was gone but for some reason, losing Andrew was all I could focus on, and I wondered if that made me odd. The man I’d given nineteen years of my life to, eleven years of that as his wife,
