‘I never got to do that with Beth,’ he said, jolting me.
‘Oh, of course not. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,’ I said softly and my stomach almost cramped with pain. The orange glow from the streetlights reflected off his watery eyes as he stared straight down the road ahead.
‘No, don’t be sorry. I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I just meant that it was probably something we would have done if cancer didn’t steal our future away.’
My eyes burnt and an involuntary sniff escaped. We both sat in silence awhile, me with nothing soothing to say, and him probably thinking of what should have been. I wondered if while I’d been enjoying the feel of his touch, he was resenting the fact I wasn’t Beth.
‘I’m glad I came,’ he said eventually. ‘It was nice to share that with someone and I don’t know if I’d have had the chance otherwise.’
I didn’t reply but my chest tightened and I hated myself for not having anything comforting to say. ‘What was she like? Beth?’ I said eventually. I was relieved to see his mouth lift up at the corner.
‘She was fun, never took life too seriously. She was a firm believer in the “you only live once” mantra and in some ways, after she’d gone, I wondered if she’d always known she would die young.’
‘She sounds perfect.’
‘She was.’
His hand was resting on the gear stick and I placed mine on top, just for a moment. He turned his attention from the road for a moment to smile.
When we pulled up outside my house, the road was quiet and still. ‘Thank you again for coming,’ I said and reached for the handle.
His lips parted like he was about to say something but his phone buzzed in the cup holder and cast a bright unpleasant light across us both. I didn’t mean to but I glanced at the screen, out of habit. It was from ‘Luce mobile’. There was a thud in my chest.
Where the hell are you? Xxx
He glanced at it too before turning to me. ‘Er, it was nothing. I’m glad I could help,’ he said, and I climbed out. Deflated. I could’ve sworn he was about to say something else.
***
Megan had been at my house since four o’clock, badgering about going out for a meal.
‘Plenty of divorcees let their friends throw them a “just divorced” party once their divorces are final. You can buy a “just divorced” sash and a black veil and everything.’ She’d been on at me for well over an hour.
‘That’s great, Megan, but I don’t want that. I’d barely acknowledged the divorce other than checking the letter to make sure my marriage was definitely over. ‘I wish I hadn’t put it on the WhatsApp group,’ I huffed, just as there was a knock on the door. I glared at Megan, knowing full well who it was.
‘Come in.’ I sighed at Kate and Sam when I’d opened the door.
‘Happy divorce day!’ they sang in unison.
‘Here,’ Kate said handing me a black ‘just divorced’ badge. ‘Put this on. We’re taking you out for dinner. It’s booked and we’ll drag you there if we have to.’
Despite their enthusiasm, I was feeling tired. I don’t know if it was because I was in the later stages of my pregnancy or because I was emotionally drained after the ups and downs with Andrew. I’d managed to convince myself any spark I’d felt was all in my head. That I’d built up a fantasy because he was so wonderful, kind, and handsome. You couldn’t blame me really. The things I felt when he touched me, I’d thought he felt too but that was silly. Of course he hadn’t. I’d mutated his kindness in my head. It was one-sided and I blamed hormones. The rational part of my brain, fortunately, came back to save me and whoever ‘Luce’ was, probably deserved him more than I did.
I eventually managed to get ready with all the excitement of a vegan in McDonald’s.
‘You look . . . nice,’ Megan said as I sloped down the stairs in maternity jeans and a blouse resembling a blue whale. My un-styled hair hung around my shoulders shapelessly and my face was all potato-like. At least Kate stayed silent.
Eight months ago, I’d never have gone out like that. I’d have been so worried about what people would think. Did I look fat? Could you see my roots? Why am I wearing something that looks like a tent? But those things didn’t seem important.
I’d come to realise that I couldn’t control everything. That much was obvious, looking at how my life had changed. But strangely, it didn’t seem to matter.
As my tummy grew, so did my love for the little body inside of my own. It felt enough, and I knew that once the baby arrived, I’d love her unconditionally in a bubble so thick, no other love could penetrate it anyway. I would be okay. We would be enough.
I felt my daughter kick as if she were telling me that we would be okay too. I placed my hand on my belly. It’s going to be me and you, kid.
‘I’m ready. Let’s go.’
The dinner was pleasant enough but my mind wasn’t in it until Kate perked up, clanging her spoon on her Prosecco flute.
‘I’ve got an announcement to make.’ She waited for silence before continuing. ‘As you know, I’ve been a bit hard on poor Carl recently because quite frankly I’ve had nothing better to focus on. Now I’m in the throes of working on my own business, I realise just how busy Carl must be. I was a cow basically. So, the other night, I asked Carl if we could start again, and renew our vows.’ She smiled and turned to me. ‘Charlotte, will you plan our ceremony?’
There were coos of congratulations and I realised my hand was clasped over
