Voices in my head startled to prattle. Images of all my dreams started to project inmy head. I had to give myself a time out. Oh why did I say that I wanted to go back toschool? Did I really think that I could do this? I just couldn’t pretend to be like everyoneelse because I was really fucked up in the head.
I looked up and realized that everyone was staring at me. Oh my god. They knew.They knew everything. They knew about my momma, about my daddy not loving me.They knew about the dreams, the awful dreams that I had at night. They knew about Nicoand what he made me do. I flushed from both shame and embarrassment. I felt like aninsurgent Islamist with a package bomb strapped to my chest. I visualized standing up,ripping my shirt open, revealing the sticks of dynamite while screaming to everyone thatI was armed and dangerous and working for a madman.
I wanted to threaten everyone in the room. I wanted to make them feel fear like I feltfear. I wanted to make them feel shame like I felt shame. They wouldn’t peep a word ofwhat they saw to their friends and families after I was done with them. The teachercleared her throat and picked up a clipboard.
“Nelandez Reyes. Is that your name?” she asked. I shook my head. Suddenly, I wasrelieved that I didn’t have to say anything.
“Welcome,” she said with a half smile.
The kids in the room snickered. I hunched down low in my desk, realizing that I hadjust made a total ass of myself. For the rest of the day, I walked through the hallways in adaze. My head felt like a computer that had been infected with malware. My thoughtswere dysfunctional and all over the place. I wondered how long it would be before mymind crashed.
The worst part of the day was lunch. I held my tray as I scanned around the roomlooking for some place to sit. Unfortunately, there were no single seats. I cursed tomyself. I had been here an entire day, and I had only managed to speak two words. Howwas I supposed to make any friends? Then my worst nightmare came true. There was avoice behind me.
“Ch, Ch, Ch, Chia.” I turned around to see Blazen sitting at a round table with sixother girls.
“Ch, Ch, Ch, Chia,” she chimed again, smiling as she licked pudding off her plasticspork.
The other girls tittered and nudge each other.
“Hey Chia, why don’t you come over here and sit with us,” Blazen said, a little tooloudly.
My ears started to burn, and my heart pounded as I walked over to the table. I placedmy trey down and mentally prepared myself for a public roast.
“Hey Nelly,” Blazen said between bites of her hamburger.
“I think that we are going to call you Chia, for Chia pet. That fits you better, youknow.”
I looked down at my plate. I had lost my appetite, but I decided that I would still eatmy food. I shoveled the food down my throat, chewing and swallowing virtually at thesame time. I figured that if my mouth was stuffed with food I would not have to speak.
“Hey Chia, did you hear what I just said to you?” Blazen said, leaning forward.
I shook my head and pointed my finger to indicate that I could not talk because mymouth was full.
“Oh I see, so now you are not going to talk,” she said, nodding her head. I lookedover at her and painfully swallowed a huge chunk of macaroni and cheese.
“Hey, Chia,” Blazen said, pushing her tray away and sitting back in her seat.
“How is your momma? “
I stopped chewing and stared at Blazen. Was there ever an end to her cruelty? Iwanted to jump across the table and rip her extensions out of her scalp. I raised my halfpint of milk to my mouth and took a long gulp. A voice in my head began to prattle. Doit. Do it. Kick her in the head. Slam that tray into her face. Why are you scared? You gotnothing to lose. No, if I do that, then I would get kicked out of school and would have tospend all day in Nico’s house. I couldn’t do that. I could deal with Blazen for forty-fiveminutes.
The school bell rang; I ran into the bathroom stall and locked the door. I sat on thetoilet. I didn’t want to go back out there. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it.
I looked under the stall and saw a pair of feet, wearing white orthopedic shoes.Instantly, I knew who it was.
“Nelly, what are you doing in there? Come out now.”
“No!” I said. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to speak to her. She was never aroundwhen I needed her. She wasn’t around when Nico came to my room at night. I didn’twant anything to do with her. She didn’t love me. Nobody loved me.
“Nelly, you can’t let Blazen get to you,” she said from behind the door.
Blazen? That bitch is the least of my problems. It was the voices and the nightmares,and the dreams that were driving me crazy.
“Nelly, stop acting like a victim and take control of your life,” she demanded. Ishook my head. I was confused, alone, and helpless. Take control? I didn’t know how todo that.
“Remember, the power is in you. It’s always in you,” she said.
“I want my momma,” I cried. I collapsed onto the floor and balled up into the fetalposition, secretly wishing that I were back in her womb, where I was warm, safe, andprotected.
When I got
