“Get up!” he yelled as he forcefully yanked me up into a standing position. All theblood in my body seemed to rush to my head and my stomach, revolted by vomiting rightnext to his foot.
“You filthy little animal,” he retorted angrily, as he shoved me back down to theground.
I landed on the ground face first, my knees were weak, and my arms ached, my legswobbled as I struggled to stand up. He looked down at the vomit that had splattered overhis foot and grimaced with disgust.
He reached over and pulled a black leather whip from his holster. He growled, raisedthe whip well above his head and thrashed it down on my naked back. The pain traveledthrough my body like an electrical shock. I winced from the agony as I felt huge chunksof my skin being ripped off by the whip’s recourse. It came down again. Only this time itwas followed by my ear-shattering screams. My back arched awkwardly as I moved mybody in the most grotesque positions. My breath was raw and short as I struggled todigest the pain.
“Get up!” He screamed as he forced me to my feet. His large white hand was claspedaround my arm. My legs were wobblier than a foal that had just been born. There wassomeone behind me.
“Brother. Brother. Are you alright?” he said. I could understand the warmth in hisvoice and summoned all the strength in my body to nod my head. We were led to the topof the deck. There was no land. Ceaseless waves rocked the boat to and fro. My lips werebloody and as swollen as a water balloon; I tried to move my mouth to speak, to remindmyself that I was still alive, that I was a human being and not a worthless filthy animal. Iwanted to scream out to nature to save me, rescue me from the terrains of death. But mytongue couldn’t move. It was thick and dry and hung out of the side of my mouth like adehydrated hound.
Patches of my skin were raw from being rubbed against a wooden floor, and thelashes on my back stung like hell. My spine drooped and I focused on the water. Thewater. The water. The water. People had weak bladders and couldn’t wait to be escortedto the resting area, so they peed right where they stood. There were logs of human fecesall over the deck. The chain rattled and I felt myself being pulled forward. I was attachedto three other men; we worked together, like prisoners in a chain gang, making our wayto the edge of the deck. The water. The water. The water. I peered over the edge of theship, my heart was pounding but I knew that I had no choice. I had to move forward. Istole one last look back, scanned the crowd and spotted my brother. I needed him toknow that I could help him; I could help everyone. He nodded his head, understandingthat this was my fate.
I jumped. The chains broke and splattered like a bug against a car screen. I plungedto the bottom of the sea like a sinking ship. I tried to fight against it by moving my handsand feet, but the force of the water sent me tumbling about. The waves ripped away mychains, with pieces of it floating away like debris. I needed to surrender, to stopstruggling. Then, there will be no more pain, just peace. I sunk deeper and deeper into thedark belly of the sea, until my soul was free, and I was nothing more than an emptycorpse.
~ ~ ~
Chapter Twelve
Earlier you mentioned that you thought that your brain had been infected withmalware. Why?” Dr. Ontarian asked.
“I don’t know. I just did,” I said while shrugging my shoulders. “It’s very interestingthat you said that because we can actually use the metaphor to understand schizophrenia,”she said. “What?” I was totally completely lost.
She narrowed her eyes as if she was thinking of how to explain her concept in idiotterms so I would understand it.
Schizophrenia simply means split mind. Your thoughts and emotions becomemismatched, resulting in responses that are disproportionate to your thoughts, she said.
“Yeah! I feel like these thoughts just jump into my head like annoying pop-ups. I xout of one and a million more come up, and it drives me fucking nuts,” I said leaningover in my chair.
“But in your case it is more than just pop-ups. It’s that you have so much negativeemotions and pain buried in you. By not dealing with it, or suppressing it, it grows andbegins to infect the other parts of the mind,” she said.
I shook my head and leaned back in my chair.
“Certain thoughts trigger certain responses, but if you have a lot of built up anger, orpain in your case, then that pain and anger is going to work to release itself,” she said.
“Release itself? You mean through violence?” I said.
“That certainly is one way, other ways are self-inflictions like feelings ofunworthiness, shame, anger, and in more severe cases drug and alcohol abuse,” shecontinued.
“Will my brain crash, or just stop working?” I asked.
“No. Of course not, but you may continue to have illusions and hallucinations,” shesaid.
“Is that really how schizophrenia works?” I asked.
“More or less, our treatment is all about organizing the thoughts in your mind, so youuse it more as a tool. So you’re in control and not the other way around,” she said.
“I just want them to stop. Sometimes, I just wish that it all could end,” I said.
I turned
