When I got back to Maria’s home. She ordered me to strip down to my underwear. Ibashfully covered my small breast as my abuela shoveled my dirty clothes in a garbagebag. I secretly hoped that she wasn’t going to ask me to spread em and bend. She led meinto the bathroom where a white marble tub was filled with water. I lowered my bodyinto the tub and flinched as the hot water seeped into my skin.
Maria, in a cold voice, reassured me that the water was fine and that after a couple ofminutes I would get used to it. I wanted to scream, the water was too hot, and the mixtureof perspiration and steam caused me to feel woozy. I felt like I had lowered myself into abed of hot coals. My body movements caused the water to wave up and droplets that feltlike hot embers speckled the crease of my spine. After the tub incident, Maria gave meapproximately three minutes to towel off. She burst back into the bathroom door withoutknocking. I modestly wrapped the blush white towel around my body.
“Hey, your momma is going to come in and talk you,” she said trying to inject somesoftness into her voice.
I nodded and placed the cover of the toilet set down and sat on it. My mother walkedin. She looked more beautiful than ever. Her hair was longer and brushed back from herface. Her eyes were big and clear and she didn’t have a stitch of makeup on. She kneeleddown in front of me and smiled.
“Sweetie, I missed you so much,” she said while stroking my hair.
“I missed you too momma,” I said.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you and your brother when I was in jail. I couldn’tstop thinking about how I failed you, as a mother.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Your abuela told me that she saw you and your brother on the day that I gotarrested, but you ran from her.”
I shook my head.
“You ran from her to Nico’s house?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off.
“Why did you do that? I worked so hard to protect you from him and from theshadows. Why did you run to him?”
I looked at her puzzled and then I got angry.
“You just don’t get it. We didn’t have anywhere else to go. We lived as squatters,half the time we didn’t eat. We didn’t have any money so we went to go work for Nico,”I said.
My mom leaned forward and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Worked for Nico? Whatdid he make you do?” She said.
My mouth snapped shut. I realized that I had said way too much. I was safely awayfrom Nico’s house, but I was still afraid. I was ghastly afraid of the dreams and thenightmares. And he warned me, he told me not to tell anyone. If I did, then I would regretit.
“What did you make you do?” she asked gently.
“He wanted me to, travel with him,” I said, looking away from her while readjustingthe towel around my body. My eyes began to water, like icicles melting. I wiped my noseand felt the drop of one tear. More soon followed. I couldn’t look at her. I felt soashamed. I never wanted to tell anyone about Nico and me, because if I did that, then itwould be real. All of the dreams, nightmares would be real.
“And what did you see?” My mother asked.
“I saw death,” I said while inhaling, there was a dull pain in my heart. I closed myeyes and more tears dripped from behind my lids.
“You saw the shadows?” she asked. I shook my head. She pulled me into herembrace.
“Nelly, I’ve done awful things, evil and wicked things,” she said.
“Mom stop,” I said as I struggled to escape. She was making me feel worse.Thinking and talking about the shadows was like watching a horror movie in 3D. It wasthree times as scary and felt way too real. It was best to just pretend that none of ithappened. I was away from Nico’s house now. I was with my momma and my family andin time, I’d forget about them. I was sure of it.
She had her arms wrapped around me like an octopus. I forcefully pushed her away,but her hands grasp my forearms. Her fingers sunk into me like tentacles. I wanted her tostop. It was over now. She was out of jail, and we were a family again. Let’s just focus onbeing happy.
“They are the spirits of the dead. They are buried souls of our past. Their pain is ourpain,” she said.
All of my thoughts stopped dead in their tracks. I looked at her aghast, wonderinghow she knew.
“How did you know?” I asked with exasperation.
“I know, because the same thing happened to me and your abuela,” she said.
“What? What’s happening to me momma?” I wondered.
“Nothing, you’re going to be okay,” she said convincingly. If nothing was wrongwith me, they why would I need to be okay? I looked at her quizzically. My mom pulledme toward her.
“Mom!” I yelled as I struggled to get away from her.
I felt like a moth that had been caught in spider lace. She was holding me way tootight. She released her grip and looked at me, snapping out of her trance. Her eyes wereclear and as big as a full moon.
“I need to take you to get help,” she said.
“What?” I couldn’t believe it. We were together again. We were a family again. Icouldn’t bear the thought of losing her or being separated from her.
“Don’t worry, I’m not sending you away. I could never to that,” she said whilecombing her fingers through my hair.
I just looked at her. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I felt
