“It rips your heart out, right? Shatters all you thought you had; destroys the way you see your life. The way you see yourself. I couldn’t even look at her after she told me. And here, I’d been faithful to her the entire time. Do the math, Ellie. We’d been together since middle school and I’d been faithful to her the entire time. I’m twenty-three years old and until last month, I’d only been with one woman. And apparently—as I’ve recently come to find out—she’d been with more than her share of men.” Bitterness wreaked havoc on his face, twisting his features with pain. “What kind of man am I? Blind and inexperienced, that’s what.”
“I’m here to tell you that being with one woman didn’t hinder your ability in the sex department.” Ellie smiled and shifted in her seat, leaning into the arm of the couch. “You gave me the best orgasms I’ve ever had in my life. Three of them in one go, if I remember correctly.”
James shrugged and ducked his chin.
That explains all the sleeping around, Ellie thought to herself.
He was embarrassed by his fidelity. Well, not the actual fidelity, but the lack of experience that came with it. And the drinking? If he admitted to mourning the loss of his home, she couldn’t help but wonder if it meant he actually mourned the loss of the family he hoped to build there. Was James a closeted family man?
“Who betrayed you, Ellie?” She looked up, surprised by his question and found his eyes trained on her face. She didn’t talk about the betrayal. Ever. Hadn’t even told Tessa. She didn’t want to give it power over her, by acknowledging the pain. It was hers and she controlled it by locking it away and keeping it hidden deep inside.
But James needed her to tell him. She could see it in his eyes. And if her honesty could help him, even a little, then maybe it would be worth opening that particular door, the one she’d locked so long ago.
“My mom.” The words scraped their way out of a black pit in her belly. “My dad died when I was six. An accident at work. My mom loved him with her entire soul.” Ellie watched her fingers twine together as if they were someone else’s. “She combusted. Disappeared. I spent three days alone because I didn’t know what else to do. I just kept waiting for her to come home. The woman who finally did wasn’t my mom. She was hard and cruel.”
Ellie’s mouth clamped down on the rest of the story. The abuse that followed. The day her mom gave up for real and dropped her off at the foster center and disappeared.
The years of foster homes with the entire rainbow of fruit flavors for parents.
Talking about it made her feel twitchy and open, vulnerable in the worst possible way. Like she was still that helpless little girl.
James sat up and pulled her into his arms. Kissed the top of her head, then her forehead, then each of her closed eyes, swiping away the tears that were her first indication she had started to cry.
“It’s a scary business,” he murmured. “Caring for someone.”
Ellie twisted so she could look into his eyes and she felt like she saw him. All of him. The hurt in his soul. The ache in his heart. The sweet man who felt like he needed to build a cage around himself so no one could ever hurt him again. And for an instant, it felt like he could see the echo of all that in her. The two of them sitting together, clear of all their armor, pain recognizing pain, and reveling in their sameness,
James kissed her. It wasn’t a kiss of passion or lust. It was communion. It was warmth. It was connection and empathy. Ellie closed her eyes and kissed him back.
When he finally pulled away she swallowed hard, still fighting tears.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t nice to you today,” he said, his forehead pressed to hers, his hands on her face, his thumbs caressing her cheek. “But you scare the hell out of me.”
Chapter Twenty
Ellie
Woken by her blaring alarm, Ellie tried to piece together how she ended up in bed. Alone. Rubbing her sleep laden eyes, she remembered drifting off on the couch, wrapped in James’ arms—the same place she expected to wake up. Stranger still, she was wearing the same clothes from the day before and her phone—still jangling away on her bedside table—had been plugged in.
She fumbled to turn off the alarm, then opened her eyes wide to remind her body it was time to be awake. After she was up and moving, she vaguely recalled James carrying her upstairs and tucking her in. But why hadn’t he just climbed into bed with her?
They’d shown their scars to one another. Bared their souls. Opened their hearts.
She couldn’t deny how good it felt to be honest like that with someone.
How good it felt, stepping out from behind the mask she always wore.
She stopped in the bathroom and washed out her mouth before padding downstairs to make coffee. Normally, she’d have prepared it the night before and set the auto brew, but nothing about the night before counted as normal. Considering her morning routine had been expertly whittled down to the essentials, and her alarm was set with exactly enough time to do what needed done, she knew she was gonna be late to work. Again.
James had been wreaking havoc on her schedule since that first night at Hurricane’s.
Stepping into the living room, Ellie was disappointed to find her couch empty. Her heart stuttered and her stomach hollowed out.
She knew that feeling.
She remembered when her mother used to stay out for days at a time, leaving her alone when
