“We need to act normal,” she said, with a nod behind her.
“No.” I wasn’t going to continue to live like our lives were separate any longer. “You’re my wife, Terra. It should be normal to hold you. I fucking need to hold you.”
“Umm…daddy said the f-word,” Lanie said as she and Noah filed through the door.
First things first, I thought, and pulled Terra to me. “I know we can’t talk now, but let me hold you for a second.”
She relaxed into me. Feeling her body settle into mine like a perfect puzzle piece highlighted just how long it had been since she and I had connected. Not just physically, like this, but emotionally as well.
“Are we still on for dinner?” she asked.
Jesus, I’d forgotten about that. I lifted my head to look at her.
“We can talk then,” she said.
“Yes, of course.” I caressed her cheek with my thumb noting how tired she looked. “Can I help with the kids?”
“Maybe you could take them out back and let them work off some of their energy while I make a snack.”
“Come on Burrow bugs, time to go out back to play,” I said.
“You said a bad word.” Noah’s serious face looked up at me.
“I’m sorry about that,” I said reaching down to pick up him and then Lanie.
“You shouldn’t use that word,” Lanie said, holding my cheeks in her tiny hands as she scolded me.
“You’re right.”
“You should go to time out,” she said sternly.
“I tell you what. Let’s go outside so you can play, and I’ll do time out there.”
“Okay.”
It was difficult to focus on the kids when I had a driving need to be with Terra and to find out what was going on. But I did my best to act like everything was fine until Emma showed up with Nina to babysit.
“You’re not wearing that, are you?” she said when she saw Terra. I wondered if she knew about Terra’s diagnosis. She didn’t seem to, but maybe she was covering because she didn’t think I knew. It was another source of hurt and guilt that Terra might tell Emma about her illness before me.
I looked over at Terra who wore basic black slacks and a white blouse. It wasn’t fancy, but there was nothing wrong with it either.
“I don’t have—”
“You have this.” Emma thrust a garment bag to her.
“What did you do?” Terra asked, unzipping the bag.
“I got you that dress you should have bought when we were shopping. You thought you wouldn’t have an opportunity to wear it, yet as it turns out, you do.”
Emma gave me a look that suggested I needed to do better in spending time with my wife. She wasn’t wrong about that.
“You shouldn’t have,” Terra said. “It’s too much.”
“Pah. Go put it on. You can’t leave this house until you do.”
Terra bit her lower lip, a sure sign that she wanted the dress but felt conflicted about taking it.
“Can I reimburse you?” I asked Emma.
“No. This is my gift to you…to both of you. Now go, Ter. I’ve got to round up the rugrats.” She left the kitchen to go find the kids.
“I guess I’ll change.”
“I’ll wait,” I said, feeling bad that she hadn’t bought a dress she liked because she didn’t think she’d have a chance to wear it. It was yet another reminder that I’d need to do better. How many reminders had I had lately?
A few minutes later, she walked out and my heart rolled in my chest. She looked stunning. It reminded me of the Terra I’d met and fallen in love with before life had worn us down. The dress was snug over curves she’d developed since having kids. The top accentuated the fuller breasts that I occasionally imagined fucking, but now, wondered if they’d be removed with her new diagnosis.
Before, her long brown hair had been pulled back in a loose tail, but now it hung loose over her shoulders. It even appeared that she put on a little more makeup.
“You’re so beautiful,” I said. Propelled by the need to kiss her, I stepped to her.
Her smile was lovely although a little self-conscious as well. “I’m bigger than I used to be.”
I rubbed her arms with my hands. “The curves are sexy.” I smiled at her and then leaned in for the kiss I desperately needed.
When I pulled back, she dipped her head, looking down. Again, I felt like she was putting up a wall.
“Don’t Terra. Don’t withdraw from me.”
She smiled, but it felt forced. “Shall we go to dinner?”
On the drive, I twisted my brain into pretzels trying to figure out what was going on with her. Why was she putting up a wall?
Instead of going to the restaurant, I drove to the lake and parked. The moon cast a beautiful glow over the water. It had all the makings of romance, but clearly, Terra didn’t want that.
“What’s going on?” she asked as I turned off the engine.
“That’s what I want to ask you.” I tried to keep my voice neutral even though I was feeling irritated and desperate. “Let’s go for a walk before dinner.”
She nodded and once out of the car, we walked along the water. We were silent as I waited for her to take the lead. When she didn’t, I jumped in.
“Tell me about the cancer.”
Her eyes closed for a second. She stopped and looked out over the water. “It’s stage three. I’m scheduled to start chemo next week to shrink the tumor.”
“No surgery?” It seemed to me cutting the thing out was a better option.
“After the chemo. My doctor is trying to save the breast, I guess.”
I took her hand and brought it over my heart. “So, it’s treatable?”
She nodded, but it didn’t seem like she believed it. “He says he feels good about the prognosis…”
“But you don’t?” That could explain some of her behavior.
“My mother died of cancer, after a lot
