My heart lurched to my throat as fear gripped me. But she was the one suffering the disease, not me. It was my job to be strong. So, I pushed my fear down.
I put my arms around her. “You’ll fight and win, Terra.”
She looked down. “I’ll need you and Emma to help. I know you’ve got a lot going on at work—”
“Fuck work,” I said. I dropped my forehead to rest against hers. “I know I’ve been a bad husband—”
“Not bad—”
“But I love you Terra. That hasn’t changed.”
“Cancer changes everything.”
I lifted my head. “You think I’m making an effort because of this?” That annoyed me a little bit. Sure, the urgency of our situation had picked up, but I’d been making an effort before this. “I’ve been trying to reach you even before this, but you’re resistant.”
She looked down again.
“Is the cancer why you decided not to divorce me?” Duel emotions of anger and hurt worked their way through my gut at this idea, but I pushed them away. Now wasn’t the time to get into a fight.
She hesitated, and I realized she was further away from me emotionally than I’d thought. I stepped back, releasing her.
“I’ll be here for you, no matter what—”
“Brayden. I didn’t want a divorce. Not really. I thought we were too far gone and—”
“And that I was fucking my administrative assistant.” Another shot of anger coursed through me.
“I thought it was possible.”
A part of me wanted to lash out at her for not trusting me, but considering the state of our marriage, I supposed it wasn’t so off the mark.
“I know things haven’t been great between us, but you have to know that I’d never cheat. I’ve never lied to you, Terra. Never.”
She finally looked up at me, into my eyes. “I’m sorry I doubted.”
“Are you just saying that because you need me?” I regretted those words, and yet I needed to know. Was she just relegating me to being a support person or did she still love me?
“I do need you, Brayden, but not just because of the cancer. I’ve always needed you. I suppose in some ways that was the problem because you didn’t need me. You were gone so much.”
Fuck. “I’m going to change that. I’ve been trying to change that, but I’m not sure you want to change.”
“I do, but maybe it would be easier to wait until we know I’ll be better.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“It won’t be so hard for you to lose me if we keep some distance.”
I stared at her like she’d gone mad. Because she had. “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. First, I don’t plan to lose you and I hope to hell you plan to fight. Second, losing you would undo me whether it was two weeks ago when I barely talked to you or right now.” I put my hand over my heart. I studied her for a moment. “Would it be easier for you to lose me or leave me if you kept your distance?”
“No.”
“Then why do you think it would be for me?”
She shrugged and I realized that my working a lot had given her the impression that I didn’t care about her anymore.
“Let me prove to you that you’re still my center,” I said to her. “Open up enough to let me show you that.”
She sniffed and I noticed a tear falling down her face.
I wiped it away. “Let me take you on a date.”
She gave me a small smile. “Okay.”
During the drive to the restaurant, Terra explained her cancer and treatment plan to me, and I made a mental note to redo my work schedule. She also said she felt the need to get her ducks in order, which I wanted to scoff at because the only outcome for me was that she’d beat this disease. But I held my tongue knowing it would give her some peace to know the kids would be taken care of.
Once at the restaurant though, we didn’t talk about the cancer. We agreed to have a normal date. I told her about the cloud security project. She asked me questions about it, something she hadn’t done about my work in a while.
We also talked about the kids, and how lately Noah seemed to be coming out of his shell.
“When my treatment is done, I want to sign him up for karate,” she said. “I’d do it now, but I’m afraid it will be hard to add something new to an already busy schedule.”
“Let’s sign him up now. I’ll rearrange my schedule to get him there. Plus, if we pull him from soccer, which he hates anyway, that’s eliminating the extra.”
“I don’t want this to impact your life or the kids.”
“Terra, it’s okay that your needs impact us. Don’t worry about that. Your only focus now should be getting healthy. And falling in love with me again.” I smiled, hoping she saw my comment as levity.
“I can’t do what I’ve already done.”
For the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe she was taking a step toward me, instead of away.
When we got home, the kids were in bed. I helped Emma get Nina to her car and thanked her for babysitting. When I got back inside, Terra was coming out of Noah’s room. I took that as a good sign that she wasn’t lying down with him.
“The kids are sleeping. I think Emma and Nina wore them out,” she said as she walked to our room.
The minute she was in the door, I closed it behind us and pulled her to me. “I want to make love to you.”
In the past, I’d just put on the moves to have sex, but it had been so long and there was so much going on, I felt the need to tell her.
She pulled back. “I’m not as attractive—”
“You are.”
She went to her dresser, taking off her jewelry. I stepped up behind her, putting my hand on
