Even though I was trying my hardest to be quiet, my little sister Melinda, we called her Lin, woke up anyway and groggily asked, "What you doing Angel?"
It always annoyed me when anyone other than my mama called me Angel. It always made me feel special when my mama called me that. I felt like it made up for so much in my life that was just . . . typical. I am Angela to everyone else.
I hushed her up quickly and said, "trying to go the bathroom, go back to sleep."
Lin always stuck to my side like glue. We were the youngest two at home, even though I was six years older than she was. I guess I was like a second mama to her, what with playing with her and sharing the same bed.
I could see her outline sitting up in bed, trying hard to see what I was doing. I quickly put the small mirror and flashlight back in my drawer and crawled back into bed. Lin snuggled up against me and like the Walton family on TV, said, "Good night, Angel."
"Hush" I said, "be quiet and go to sleep with your nosey self before I tell mama on you."
I lay in bed after that for what seemed like hours, but probably only about ten minutes before I finally went to sleep. Old Big Boy decided that he did feel like barking at something and started in.
I wanted to yell out loud myself. I felt like a fool for staying up all night long. I was confused and frightened and not exactly sure why. In my agitated state I ended up sleeping on my stomach. That was the first night I had ‘the dream.’
THE SUMMER OF 1976 had seen so many witches riding my back I felt I had a permanent dent there. Somewhere in the ‘in-between hours’ before dawn, I would have terrible dreams, actually looking back on it now, I had night terrors.
Were the night terrors really a big fat warty nosed witch with a pointy black hat and flowing dress riding my back, or something else? Was it something deeper in me, something that I was missing?
It always felt like someone was suffocating me and not just because Lin was stuck to my side like we were Siamese twins.
Too often I felt like I was awake and not asleep when these dreams occurred. The colors were so vivid, the sounds so crisp and clear, and the people I encountered so real I thought I had been transported into some other place and time.
I often awoke sweaty and scared, heart pounding, breath quick. Once I woke up standing in front of the wardrobe mirror reaching out to something or someone. I saw a dim reflection of my face, scrutinizing my face. Was that something over my shoulder or just too much blackberry pie late in the evening?
I had what I called "The Dream" . . . a giant chasm stretches out below me, but it's filled with beautiful colors of violet and rose, indigo, tawny gold, and deep dark chocolate.
A menacing sky was overhead, swirling with murky and dangerous looking clouds. I would find myself standing on the edge of the cliff ready to fall or jump off, I didn't know which. I also didn't know into what, but the sense of foreboding was overwhelming. At the same time I wanted to go there, I wanted to be part of the scene going on below.
I could see something going on far below. I couldn't tell if it were people or animals I saw, but something was moving around down there. I would stand there in the howling wind, but I could clearly hear a voice calling me over the wind. The voice was at once pleading, but also demanding. It seemed to want me to turn back or did it want me to move forward. But, even though I was afraid of what was off the edge, I wanted to step off.
I turned away from the voice which seemed to come from behind me. I put one foot out, toes jutting over the edge and balanced myself there for what seemed like hours. I had on some sort of pale blue top but there didn't seem to be a bottom. I found myself tugging at the top, trying to pull it down to cover myself more.
I wasn't naked, but I felt uncovered, unprotected, missing something too important to overlook. Just as my indecision grew overlong, I stumbled forward and the choice was made for me.
I started to scream, but no sound came out, in fact all sound ceased as if I was in a giant vacuum. I felt the air buffet me but instead of falling, I was floating for a moment, then suddenly I started to fall. I was falling so rapidly and so out of control that I knew if I hit the sides or bottom of the chasm I would not survive.
I awoke sweating and scared, I felt a heavy weight on my back, cutting off my breath. Lin had thrown one leg and an arm over me.
Mama told us if you die in a dream you die for real, how did she know? Was I going to die?
LIN SNUGGLED UP SO close to me in the bed, I could hardly breathe and certainly not sleep. It was the middle of August and of course way too hot and muggy.
All I could think of as I lay beside her and listened to the night sounds of my other two sisters' regular breathing, was this summer is a turning point.
I am going off to the big city of Atlanta in September to college. I am leaving this small country backwoods town behind me. I will meet interesting
