"Whoa—what do you mean whenI've messed up?"
"If you had just called me when you fucked upthe car, then none of this would have happened."
"Are you kidding me?" Now, she was pissed. "Youwere in Michigan. What would you have done?"
"I would have called a tow truck and you wouldhave been brought home. And none of this ex-boyfriend crap wouldhave happened."
"Yeah, and you would have reamed me outendlessly about what a careless driver I am, and how I'm incapableof even a brainless task of changing the tire. And then you wouldhave started in about how much money I cost you, as if I don't earna salary."
"You barely do."
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?"Elizabeth was livid. "I tell you that I was so miserable I wantedto die. I tell you that I almost died of exposure. I tell you thatI was saved by an old acquaintance, who then turned the experienceinto a seedy whips and chains story. I tell you that the whole townknows that I'm the female in the story and thinks that I'm somesex-crazed, deviant whore. I tell you that the whole town, crap,the whole world, actuallyknows what I look like naked. And you fucking bring up how muchmoney I make?"
"You'll see what really matters when you haveto support yourself."
"I fucking knew it."
"Knew what?"
"That you would do this. When the whole'incident' happened—"
"Oh, is that what we’re calling it now? Anincident?"
"I don't know what to call it. The night my carwent off the road, I was feeling so low. I really felt like ourmarriage was over. That we had nothing left. And being alone wasn'teven the thing that scared me the most. You're gone so much thatI'm used to it. Frankly, when you're here, you're so inattentivethat I feel alone anyway. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able tosupport the kids. You've never understood why it was important forme to be here for them before and after school. You've neverunderstood that I didn’t have kids just to leave them withstrangers to raise them. You've never understood what it means tome to be able to be here for our kids. You've never understood me.All you've ever understood was dollars."
"So all I am to you is a paycheck."
"Jesus, Peter, I didn't say that. I've beenfighting to save this marriage. I've been trying to change who I amjust to please you. To make you want me again. But it hasn't beenenough, has it? Because at the first sign of trouble, you pack yourbags."
"I just need a break. I need to think about allof this. You've thrown a lot at me tonight."
"Of course you need a break. You've been homefor all of a week. God forbid you actually stay and help me out,"she said bitterly.
"You got yourself into this mess, you getyourself out."
"Really? That's what you have to say? You'reall pissed that I didn't trust you to help me out in a crisis, andnow that I'm asking for your help, you're walking out?"
"Too little, too late."
"How can it be too little, too late? I onlytold you five hours ago?"
"But I don't know that I can get over thatyou've been keeping this from me for so long."
Elizabeth just shook her head. "What am I goingto tell Teddy and Syd?"
It was like Peter just remembered theirexistence. A look of concern briefly flashed over his face. "Tellthem that I'm away at work. I'll call soon to talk tothem."
"Are you going to see them? Are you reallygoing?"
"Elizabeth, I need some space to think aboutthis. You are obviously not the person I thought you could be. Ialways thought that this insecurity, this need for constantvalidation would go away. I thought you would finally realize thatthe only person you need to please is yourself. But I guess you’renot there."
"I guess that's where you and I differ, Peter.I may be insecure. I may need validation. But I want to please youand the kids. I want to make you happy. Even if it comes at my ownexpense. You don't give a shit about anyone butyourself."
And with that, he turned and was gone.Again.
Elizabeth had thought that the moment in thesnow and ice was rock bottom. She was wrong.
CHAPTER TWENTY: August 26,2012
Elizabeth thought she should be excited aboutheading back school, but the emotion of excitement was well beyondher capabilities at this point. She had checked out. On fightingfor her marriage. On her occupation. On her herself. The only thingthat still mattered to her was her kids. Teddy and Sydney were theonly reason she got out of bed in the morning. They were the onlyreason that she had not curled up into a ball and died.
However, she knew that that kind of intensefocus was not healthy either. It made for the smothering anddomineering type of relationship that Elizabeth had with Agnes. Thecontrolling, the micromanaging. Elizabeth had always vowed never todo to her children what had been done to her. Of course, she hadvowed to stay with Peter for better or for worse, too. Elizabethnow understood more of Agnes than she had ever imagined possible.She understood that her mother's need to be in complete and totalcontrol was in response to her own despair. Agnes was trying tomanipulate her environment to provide the happiness that waslacking from within. But that's not how it worked. At least not forElizabeth. While in the moment, the complete and utter control madeElizabeth feel better; when she reflected upon the event, she felthorrible.
Understanding why Agnes had been controlling tothe point of demoralizing her only daughter unfortunately did nothelp Elizabeth make peace with the past. It actually infuriated hermore. Elizabeth had been on this downward trajectory for ten longweeks, and she knew it had to stop. She just didn't know what todo. How to stop.
Her husband had left her. He hadn't filedformal papers yet, but he still said he didn't really want to speakto her or come home. She was still isolated from the people she hadthought of as her friends
