Finally, not able to stand the silence anylonger, Elizabeth said, somewhat more bitterly than intended,"Well, it's been great talking to you. As always." She started toget up.
"No, wait, Elizabeth! Don't leave."
She sank back in her chair and took a long sipof her wine. "I don't know."
"You don't know what?" He was lostalready.
"I don't know what I want, Peter. I don't knowif I still want to be married to you."
"Oh." He looked crushed and surprised. Like hetotally hadn't seen this coming.
"But I don't know that I'm ready to walk awayeither."
"Huh?" Now he was totally confused. That madetwo of them.
"I just don't know Peter. I don't know if Iwant to be married to you. I don't know if I want to end ourfamily. I just don't know what I want. I just know what we've hadfor the past several years isn't it."
"Several years? You've been that unhappy forthat long?"
"Peter, two years ago, I seriously contemplatedsuicide as a way to escape my life."
"But you never told me that."
"I shouldn't have had to. But that's a hugepart of the issue. You don't see me. You didn't realize that I wasmiserable in the first place. You didn't stop to think that mybehavior, my attitude, my appearance had changed. Because you neverthink about me." Elizabethpaused. "But that's not what the real issue is. I don't know howyou can love me."
"You know I love you."
"No, I don't. But I don't know how you can loveme when I don't love me. I'm trying to love me, but I'm not thereyet. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm here and I'mfunctioning, but I'm not living. I'm not alive on the inside. Idon't know how I can be. I don't know who I am and I need to figurethat out."
"That's ridiculous. You're my wife. You'reTeddy and Sydney's mother. You're ..."
"Stop right there. Tell me first, who areyou?"
Peter again looked confused. After a moment, hesaid, "I'm an engineer and an avid golfer. I'm an introvert, and Ilove the Red Sox more than life. I detest the color pink, and I cannever have enough pie."
"See what I mean?"
"No, I don't." He was befuddled.
"When you describe yourself, you are talkingabout you. The things youlike; the things you do; the things that describe your personality.When you describe me, it is in terms of my role in other peoples'lives. The kids and you. I'm not described as a person, merely myfunction."
"Oh, I never thought about it thatway."
"I can't say I blame you. I never did either. Ijust knew that I was lost and unhappy, but I didn't know why. Iknew that your incessant control of the finances was part of theproblem. You were always knit-picking how I did things around here.I felt like I was drowning in the household responsibility and thatyou were never there to help me."
"I thought we settled that after Sydney gotsick."
"Which we did, at least for a while. But thatwasn't the whole problem. It was more like a small symptom of alarger issue. I don't know who I am anymore. I haven't ever reallyhad the opportunity to figure that out for myself. I never hadenough faith in me to go with my gut decision and trust in myself.I think that's why I always need validation from an outside source.I'm not able to stand in my own truth. I doubt every instinct I'veever had."
"Every one you've ever had? Evenme?"
"Yes, Peter, obviously you. If I didn't doubtwhether we should be together or not, we wouldn't be sitting hereright now, having this conversation. I don't want to hurt you. Ireally don't, but I don't know how to explain it without beingbrutally honest right now."
"Okay then, just say it."
"I'm not sure if I married you because I lovedyou, or if I loved the idea of you. The idea of being married andhaving someone to take care of me."
Peter took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry to say it that way. You have tounderstand some of my frame of reference though. I spent my wholelife hearing that I needed to 'catch a man' so that I had someoneto take care of me."
"Agnes."
Elizabeth nodded. "My whole life, shecontrolled me with such tight reigns. I never felt like I learnedto think for myself. I thought I would never be able to take careof myself. That my innermost thoughts and instincts werewrong."
Peter laughed a small, tersechuckle.
"What's so funny?"
"Agnes. For someone so controlling, she had itso wrong. You are one of the most capable people I've ever met. Youdon't need anyone or anything. You just plow through, making thebest of what you have, making do with the hand you have. You haveeverything covered, all the time. You are the consummatecaretaker."
Elizabeth let a slow smile creep across herface. "If you value your life, you won't ever tell her she waswrong."
Peter returned her smile. "Frankly, she scaresme."
"She scares everyone. T.J. took off across theworld and never came back because he's so afraid of her. And thenthere's my dad—he can't even make eye contact with her. It's likehe's a eunuch."
"Oh, I'm definitely afraid she would remove mytesticles if I ever spoke against her."
"No doubt about it. Since I don't havetesticles, she's simply no longer speaking to me. I'm probably deadto her."
"Why? What happened?"
"I guess I never told you. When you were withthe kids at your parents', I went over for dinner one night. Ofcourse, she immediately starts in on me about getting divorced,what that would do to her, and how that would embarrass her. Shenot only told me that I needed to beg you to take me back, but alsothen accused me of having an affair. I had enough. I screamed ather and my dad for never supporting me. She was always too busybeing concerned about, God, I don't even know what. Throughout thiswhole summer, she never once asked if I was all right. Sheimmediately assumed that I had done something wrong to make youleave. She never once considered that you could be
