Kathy sat in silence. She’d often spoke to her therapist about healthy fighting. The thing was, she wasn’t sure she could distinguish healthy versus unhealthy arguing. All of it made her feel horrible.
Her mom’s stare weighed heavily on her and Kathy began to fidget while she waited for her mom to speak again. “You spoke rudely to me today. It made me very angry, just as it did the other day when we talked.”
“I know.”
“I got mad and I hung up on you.”
Kathy nodded. She didn’t need the play-by-play.
“What did you think was going to happen?”
Kathy shrugged. “After today? I was pretty sure I was never going to hear from you again.”
“What?”
Kathy stared at her.
“You seriously thought that the bit you said to me would do more damage than the crap I endured from your father over the years? That I would stop talking to you, my daughter, over it?” She laughed. “People fight, Kathy. Sometimes the fights are ugly and people need a break.”
“I was really surprised to see you today.”
“You said you were heartbroken. There is no place I belong but here.”
Even though she thought she was done crying, Kathy managed to find more tears that slid down her face.
After a good cry, the first thing her mother did was try to convince her that the cookie dough really was better if it was baked. Fresh, warm chocolate chip cookies topped cold dough any day of the week, or so she said. So while Kathy took a shower and put on fresh clothes, Darcy baked cookies. By the time she came back to the kitchen, cookies sat on a plate waiting for her. Chocolate melted on her tongue. Maybe her mom was onto something.
“Now tell me about this man who broke your heart.”
“He didn’t. I broke his.”
“Then why are you the one sitting around crying?”
Kathy sat at the table and played with a cookie. She explained her past with Kevin and what happened over the last few days.
“Do you believe nothing was going on with the blonde in the office?”
Kathy nodded.
“Then what’s the problem?”
“Now you sound like Kevin. The problem is me. I saw him with another woman and my immediate thought was that he was cheating on me just like five years ago. I don’t trust him, even though I thought I could. I want to, but I don’t.”
“That is a problem with you. It’s a choice you make. The problem is not in the thought you had, but what you did about it.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you go to him and ask him who the woman was? Did you spill a drink on him? Slap her and tell her to keep her hands off your man?”
Kathy snorted at the image of her mother doing any of those things. “No. I left.”
“That was your mistake. If you want him, you have to be willing to fight for him.”
“So every time I see him with another woman I should slap her?”
“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. You’re smarter than that. You shouldn’t be running away with your tail between your legs, that’s for sure.”
Kathy opened her mouth to argue and realized that her mom was right. She always ran away so she didn’t have to deal with any conflict. “I can’t. Just the thought of starting a fight ties me up in knots.”
“Get over it. You can’t live life without fighting.” She paused and looked at Kathy. “Well, I suppose you could, but it wouldn’t be much of a life worth living. Who wants a life where you’re not willing to fight for anything?”
“But you and Dad fought all the time. It was horrible. I can’t live like that.”
Her mother grunted. “You should know by now not to use us as an example of anything other than how not to do marriage.” She shook her head slightly. “We were a mess, but we kept trying to hold on. We weren’t fighting for anything, just against each other. All the time.”
“But where’s the line? How do I know when I’ve stepped too far in fighting for something I want that will ruin what we have? At some point the two of you did that and didn’t realize it.”
“I don’t have an answer. You have to pay attention. We didn’t.”
“That doesn’t help. I can’t spend my life wondering if this fight will be the one that sends him packing. That’s why I don’t fight.”
Her mother offered a mirthless smile. “If one fight can do that, he was never yours. That’s not love. If it’s love, he’ll be fighting to hold on. You’ll know he’s trying to hold on to you.”
Kathy wanted to believe her mother. She’d come back after all, even after Kathy had been mean and hurtful. But she was Kathy’s mother. It was probably in the mom handbook that she had to give Kathy countless chances. How many chances would Kevin give her?
* * *
Kevin worked through the weekend with a hangover and moved right into the week. He filled his days with meetings and memos and his nights with alcohol so that he wouldn’t think about Kathy. If he didn’t give his brain the ability to rest, she had no chance to invade his senses to remind him how lonely his days were or how cold his bed was. Jimmy and Moira had taken to nagging him via text incessantly every day.
When he stopped answering them, Jimmy sent their other siblings in his stead. He was half tempted to block all their numbers, but he couldn’t do that. He knew they were worried about him. Right now, though, he wished they understood that he needed to be left alone.
A sharp knock sounded on his closed office door. “Yes.”
The door swung open and Deb stuck her head in. “Hey. Long time, no see. I like the new digs,” she said with a smirk.
“It’s an office. And I don’t have to share.”
She let
