He takes a minute to suck in a deep breath, before saying, “I was livid, Trixie. You. Left. Me. It’s like I meant nothing to you at all.” He glances away for a moment, before he claims, “Once I realized you moved to another state, I convinced myself it was for the best. I literally convinced myself that it was better for you, so instead of immediately coming to bring you home, I let you go. But then, one day it hit me. I can’t just let you go, because I love you, and I still want you in my life.”
Gazing down at my feet, I try my hardest not to feel guilty about what I did. Needless to say, it isn’t working. I hate the rush of guilt that flows through me just as fast as my own blood. I hate with every beat of my racing heart, it continues to grow, unrelenting at the same time. Opening my mouth, I try to form words, an excuse, or anything to appease him. But it never comes, and Sebastian uses the opportunity to finish saying what he needs to.
“I know losing the baby was extremely hard for you, and I understand more now than I did before. But fuck, Trixie, I needed you, too. Did you ever once think about me, when you decided to shut me out? Did you once think that I was and still am hurting, too?”
Shaking my head, I desperately want to ignore his words and how much they hurt to hear. I don’t want to listen to how much he’s hurting and how much he needed me. “I can’t do this, Sebastian,” I plead, hoping he’ll just shut up and go.
It’s so much easier to ignore the pain and pretend everything is alright. The easy road is always simple and less complicated to go down, and I want nothing more than to take the easy route. I don’t want to face why I pushed him away, or why I kept myself in a state of numbness. I don’t want to admit why I had to do what I did.
“I’m not going anywhere, and I’ll be damned, if I let you do what you did before. I’m here because it’s time you finally tell me why, Trixie. I deserve to know why.”
“No, I can’t,” I say once more, begging him to drop it.
He steps closer, and I notice his jaw is clenching. He’s angry, and he has every right to be. I don’t blame him one single bit for his anger, because deep down, I deserve it. “Tell me why,” he demands, and a shiver runs down my spine.
God, I’ve missed that tone of voice, even if I don’t want to acknowledge it, and now that the command has been issued, it’s impossible to ignore. Before I can stop myself, I blurt out, “I wasn’t thinking about you that’s why.”
“You’re fucking right about that, but there’s more, and you’re going to tell me.”
Anger finally makes its appearance, and I’m thankful it does. Anger I can hold onto tightly, and it doesn’t hurt one bit. “I don’t have to do anything for you anymore.”
When he takes another step forward, I step back. He does it again, and then again, until I realize he’s forced me back against the wall. I have nowhere else to go, and I get the feeling he knew what he was doing. I can tell by the way one of his arms raises, blocking me, as the other cups my cheek.
For a single moment, I close my eyes, allowing the sensation of his comfort to fill me. It’s been so long, since anyone has touched me, so I let him, because I’m craving it. As much as I wish I didn’t want it, I do.
I still need him, even if I don’t deserve him.
Opening my eyes, I glance up, staring into his deep green eyes. I see his pain, gazing right back at me, and I’m sure he sees mine, too. As he uses his thumb to rub against my cheek, he demands, “Stop shutting me out, and tell me everything.”
Tears suddenly build in my eyes, as I beg, “Please, don’t make me.”
“Tell. Me.”
A single tear falls, but he wipes it away, as soon as it slides down my face. Unable to keep his gaze any longer, I suck in a deep breath, before I finally admit, “It’s my fault.” As soon as the words escape, more tears fall, and Sebastian can’t keep up with them. “It’s all my fault that our baby isn’t here anymore.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? Of course, it’s not your fault, Trixie. You did absolutely nothing wrong.”
“Then why do I feel like it is? Why do I always feel so much guilt for what happened?” Dropping my head, I let all the pain and all of the agony, wash through me, and I heave in a sharp breath, as it all comes rushing back.
This is why I left. This is why I stayed in my little bubble of numbness. I can’t bear feeling this way, and there is nothing Sebastian can do to ease it.
Pushing him away, I’m a little surprised he lets me go. Running a hand through my hair, I face him, showing him just how much I’m still suffering. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to wake up every single morning with this immense weight on your chest? It’s like I can’t breathe, and the pain …” my voice breaks, but I manage to get it out. “The pain is too much. I can’t take it. Sebastian, I can’t …”
I don’t get a chance to finish, since he rushes forward, and then pulls me to his chest. The moment he touches me, I let go. Sobbing uncontrollably, he doesn’t do anything other than hold me tighter,
