I knew I was holding it all in, but fuck, I was worried it would hurt even more to let go of it. I thought I was protecting myself by shutting Sebastian and everyone else out. Turns out, I’ve just been hurting myself even more.
After a long while, my cries slowly die down, but Sebastian still holds me close. He runs a hand down my back, offering all the comfort I could ever want. Pulling away from him, I wipe my eyes, using the palms of my hands.
“I’m sorry,” I confess, once I find my voice.
He lifts my chin with his finger, making me glance up. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I do.” He frowns, and I swallow hard, before saying, “I completely shut down after … after losing our baby. I didn’t know how to deal with it, and I honestly still don’t. I never once thought about how much it affected you, because I couldn’t even handle it for myself.” Looking away, I softly say, “I know it’s selfish to say that, but I couldn’t take your pain, too.”
“I didn’t want to think about what happened, so I pushed you away. I said hurtful things, because I blamed myself. That’s why I couldn’t bear to look at you. I thought, since it was my body that failed, it was somehow my fault. Every time I would look at you, it was like all the guilt would come crashing down on me, and I thought I didn’t deserve you.”
Taking a step away from him, I claim, “I still feel that way. Rationally, I know I didn’t physically cause the miscarriage, but that doesn’t stop the guilt and blame from coming anyway.” Pushing out a breath, I add, “It’s easier to not feel anything, so I left. I knew I wasn’t doing anything but causing you more pain, so I thought you’d be better off without me.”
His hard gaze stays on me for a while, as I wait for him to say something. I wonder what he’s thinking about, but then again, I sort of don’t want to know. I’m sure it’s something awful, because his jaw keeps clenching.
But of course, I should know by now, to never assume anything from Sebastian.
“You’ve been punishing yourself this entire time.”
“Yeah, I was. I deserve the punishment, so it seemed right.”
Before I realize what he’s doing, he’s suddenly standing right in front of me, cupping my face with his hands. “None of this is your fault. Do you understand me? It was never your fault.”
“But—”
“No fucking buts, Trixie. It was not your fault.” He claims in a harsh tone, and I know he’s trying to make his point very clear. “Say it wasn’t your fault. Fucking say it.”
More tears start to fill my eyes, and I wonder if I’ll ever stop crying. I know what he’s trying to do, and as hard as I try to fight his order, I want to utter those words.
So, I do.
“It wasn’t my fault.”
“Again,” he demands.
“It wasn’t my fault,” I say again, but this time, my voice breaks.
“Again, Trixie.”
“It wasn’t my fault.” The funny thing is, the more I say those words, the more I actually start to believe them. So, I repeat them over and over in my head, hoping and wishing that it’s true. I have to hold onto the mantra, because if I don’t, then I’ll fall right back down into the black hole of complete and utter darkness.
“Good. I don’t care how many times we have to say those words, but one fucking day, you’ll say them, and know without a doubt they’re the truth. I never once thought it was your fault, and I hate that you even considered it was.”
“I hate knowing you were punishing yourself for something neither one of us could’ve stopped. I’m so sorry you thought it was better to carry this pain alone. I’m so fucking sorry this happened to us, Trixie.”
“Do you remember the promise I made the night we left the hospital?” I nod, knowing exactly what he’s talking about. I never forgot that promise, even if I didn’t believe it at the time. “Well, I’m here to tell you that I’m going to be here again and again, even if you don’t want me to be. I’ll be the one you can come to, and the one person you can lean on, no matter what the problem is. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
My heart pounds in my chest, realizing what this will mean, but I’m finally ready now. I’m ready for the pain to ease. I’m ready to let myself live once more, especially if he’s by my side. “I do, but I want you to say it anyway,” I state, with a grin.
He smirks, and then says, “You’re fucking mine, Trixie. Don’t ever forget that again.”
“I won’t,” I say, and I mean it.
As long as I have him by my side, I know he’ll do everything in his power to keep me from falling back into that dark place again. I should’ve known this before, but I was so blinded by my own pain that I forgot just how much Sebastian loves me.
For the first time in over six months, I feel the sensation of happiness, starting to bloom in my chest.
I have Sebastian Matvei to thank for that.
One year later
As Sebastian pulls out a chair for me, I sit down, taking in the scene around me. I can’t believe we’ve been touring Paris for the past two weeks, and tonight, he’s planned the most romantic dinner for just the two of us.
We’re on the roof top of a restaurant, and with the lights, music, and even the candles, it all seems magical. He’s really gone overboard, but I don’t say a word, knowing he’s making the most out of our trip. Every
