Dawn pushed away from the railing and drew herself up straight. She took in a deep breath then let it out slowly before adding in a gentle voice, “This woman obviously means a great deal to you. The feelings are already there, all you need to do is find out how to properly care for them so they grow to their full potential.”
“She does,” Maria admitted. “I just hope the feeling is mutual.”
“I do, too,” Dawn said, then surprised Maria with a quick hug. “I’ll leave you alone now. I’ve intruded on your thoughts long enough.”
*
It was too warm in the apartment that night and Maria left the windows open to let in the breeze while she slept. She woke up just before dawn, sweating and still caught up in a memory residing inside a dream that wouldn’t quite let her go. It was frustrating, like the edge of a thought caught on the tip of a tongue, partially formed but fully unrealized. The curtains billowed in whenever the breeze caught them just right and she watched the hypnotic movement. She tried to find that place where sleep would find her again, hoping that the dream would begin again where it left off, but it eluded her.
Hot and thirsty, she threw off her blanket and padded into the kitchen for a glass of water, then changed her mind. She was awake now. She really had no desire to try and sleep again so she poured a glass of juice instead and headed for the living room just in time to catch the sunrise. A bank of low hanging fog hung low across the horizon, adding to the impressive morning spectacle. The sun glowed like a burnished disc of red gold behind that thin veneer for a few more minutes before burning through the mists. Maria leaned against the sliding glass door and closed her eyes against the sudden glare. The glass was cold but she could feel the warmth of the sun through it. She tilted her head back and cleared her mind, hoping to find a peaceful moment before her day had to start. The troublesome dream, the one that had woken her up earlier, flashed and stuttered back to life behind her eyelids.
She stilled her mind and quieted the eager thoughts trying to crowd in, all clamoring for her to pay attention but diluting the one voice she needed to hear. In her dream she had been a child again, and her grandmother was trying to explain something to her. She didn’t quite understand what she meant then—but she did now. She could sense her grandmother standing next to her.
Her nostrils flared, she inhaled and could smell the incense that seemed permanently imprinted into her shawl. She flexed her fingers and felt a familiar hand, rough and calloused, wrapped around hers. She knew every wrinkle and line that time had marked on her abuela, and she followed those cracks and crevices in her mind’s eye towards her voice and the past.
“Humans are such emotional creatures, Maria, yet we’ve forgotten how to appreciate what those feelings are telling us. We spend so much time trying to figure out why we feel the way we do, trying to measure how much and for what purpose does this or that happen for, that we’ve lost the meaning behind the experience. It is easy to look at this man or this woman hesitating to act and making excuses for their indecision and see how silly they are being. They worry so much about making a mistake that they never jump in and try. And why is this? Because we have learned to stop listening. We have lost the balance between the head and the heart. Let them speak to each other, Maria. They will have such wonderful conversations that it will surprise and enlighten you like nothing else in this world. Let them speak, but more importantly, make yourself listen.”
Maria bowed her head and let the memory wash over her, accepting the wisdom there. Would she ever be as wise as her grandmother? From the way she had been acting, she doubted it.
Balance. She had been letting her head dictate for her heart, rather than let them both speak. Like an old married couple who argued by never saying a word to each other, the two had withdrawn from each other. She drew herself up and took in a deep, fortifying breath. There would be no more waiting for a phone call that might never come.
There wouldn’t be any more excuses. She had told Stacie that there had to be more between them than just sex. She had asked for more than the woman could give her because she needed that reassurance, not because it was fair. No wonder Stacie had shut down.
She needed to fix this. To do that, she needed to talk to Stacie and since Stacie wasn’t talking to her, she needed to talk to Josie.
*
The yellow Bug was now thoroughly dirt colored after the last few weeks of coming out to the Flying S. There hadn’t been a repeat of nature’s car wash since the last time she had seen Stacie and taking it to a car wash just seemed futile. Turning off the main road and onto the dirt and gravel driveway only added more dust, but it was fun to gun the little car until it felt like she was sliding about with a huge dust storm trailing behind her.
She had made good time. All of the morning commuters were heading in the opposite direction while she only had to share the road with a few cars. She only had to slow down once for rubberneckers. An ambulance with its lights and sirens running had
